I didn't realize how much of a coward I was until I decided to try and take control of my happiness and I couldn't.

I have so much further to go...

I'm thinking about asking him on a date.

Strap it on babylove!

They run through my dreams, impermanent, laughing at me...

They say, "you will never have me, your fantasies will stay in your mind."

I wake up, sunlight glinting through the white blinds by my bed, groggy and afraid that their words are true:

I will be alone forever.

Some strange things about Arizona...

The water in the toilet bowl is warm and sometimes even hot. I know this because when you stick your butt on the seat you can feel the heat rising. Yuck!

When it rains your car gets very dirty because all of the dust falls on your car with the rain.

The taxes are rediculous, but the gas and houses are cheap.

All of the service people here are very honest about thier companies shortcomings.

Everyone drives like a maniac. I thought Cali was bad.

By the way...

I'm doing very well here. I've gotten used to the heat, I have an amazing staff at the school that I work at, I am never lonely because my cat and my kind neighbors take good care of me, and sleeping in a queen size bed is soooooo much better than sleeping on a twin!

On the bad side, my mom called me tonight and started crying 'cause she misses me. Oye!

Near death experiences on the freeway give you post traumatic stress disorder. Let's hope there will come a day, after this drive to Arizona, that a car passes me at 85 miles an hour and I don't flinch (or scream)!

To Uyen, Ann, and Sammi, who's current and future adventures are as life changing as mine right now, thanks for making me feel not so alone. Packing for a new life, you really can't even imagine, is difficult; and sleeping without thinking of everything that could go wrong before your eyes close is almost impossible...but then there's that feeling like, this is my new beginning...good luck girls, I'll certainly support you from afar, the best I can.

I hoped, when I woke up from my nap yesterday, that he would still be alive. That nineteen year old Julius Dawson was playing a very good, but totally "not-funny" joke on all of us. But when I woke up, nothing had changed. My heart was still breaking for him...he was still gone.

I'm feeling very inspired by the SGI national leaders and the new changes happening in the SGI these days. It's no accident that the "new departure" of the SGI is happening at the same time as my new departure to Arizona. I am praying that my move to Arizona will set me on the path of living to my fullest potential on a daily basis...and will be a catalyst for me to uncover some of my lost dreams.

"will you come back to me? Will you come back to me? Heaven only knows..."

I finally rode my bike to work! It hurt. I'm so out of shape that my thighs started burning after peddling for just one block. So sad...that's what happens when the only exercise you get for a year is walking up and down the house steps.

I also started writing in my journal again...I was like, oh yeah! I do have emotions...I swear, for the last ten months I've been in survival mode, which means, for me, that I tried to think and feel as little as possible...

For graduation gifts, I received a tea pot, a set of silver wear, and a measuring cup and spoon set. Opening up these gifts was both exhilarating and terrifying, because they are symbols of my impending independence. I've been an adult for a long time now, but I've been dependent on my parents since I was born. Are these mini panic attacks I've been experiencing, right before I drift to sleep, normal?

Next week:

Last class: Mon

Send in Teaching License paper work: Tue

Leave for Japan: Wed

Arrive in Japan: Thur

Mom picks up my cap and gown while I'm in Japan: Fri

Alumni meeting: Sat

Leave Japan: Sun

Arrive in the U.S. and graduate at 2:30pm: Sun

What was I thinking!

I went to the Oregon teachers job fair this week and had five interviews! I was offered a job in Arizona in one of the school districts in Phoenix. I'm very confused about whether I should move, or keep hitting the pavement here in p-town. Phoenix equals complete independence. Am I ready for that?

OK...so I don't mind being hit on by a sixty year old man...it gives my confidence a bit of a boost...but when that's the only guy who's hit on you in like three or four months, its worrisome.

I've definitely let myself go!

I'm on vacation, but I can't help but listen to the little voice in my head that says, don't relax...you've got to graduate in a month, and you're not gonna do it if you sit down and watch movies and eat chocolate for the next seven days...

Life has taken a turn for the better in the last two weeks. Things are going well enough at school, my family and I celebrated my 24th birthday on the 2nd at the cheesecake factory. We were the loudest family there and the waitress said she loved us. My house is finally clean for the first time in three months and Elsa and I are talking again...oh, you didn't know, well we didn't talk for six months or so because she was mad at me...but we worked it out yesterday and I'm very happy we did.

Today was probably one of the worse days of my life...I do not say that lightly, and it's not funny. Today was filled with screaming children and my supervisor watching it all in the back of the room. Oh my. All I can think about right now are all of the professions I should have chosen to pursue. Like waiter, or McDonald's hamburger maker. I could have done those jobs well. I have a feeling this throbbing in my head is not going away anytime soon...

So January Started off with a headcold and February started with a big bang of Norovirus: AKA diarrhea for four days straight. Am I going to survive 2007? That is the question.

Andy and Sammi, I hope your new blog titles give you pleasure.

And to Ryochan: You read my blog!!?? I had no idea.

To Uyen: School is slowly killing me...well my kindergartners germs are anyway, but I'm gonna make it. And when I do, I'll be immune to every illness known to little, five-year- old man!

I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
-Yeats

2007 has begun in ernest. I've been sick with a head cold for four days. I'm suffering massive anxiety about teaching kindergartners, and I've watched way too much television. Hmmm...imagine that. Well, all I can do is continue to chant, and have confidence that 2007 will get better.

So, I gave in today and actually decorated my myspace page. In doing so, I found some of you fools on myspace and I asked you to be my friend. So, you know, hook a sister up and accept me some time soon. I also visited my Hi5 account today and I had two messages from random guys who, "just wanted to chat." Well they were a little too buff and fake tanned for me, so I deleted them. Sorry boys!