Everything has changed.  I thought, that maybe, everyone had been waiting here, entombed in wax.  But they were moving forward, backward, fluid.  And everyone is different.  And that's the way it should be.  

It snowed today in Portland.  And I couldn't help myself!  I ran around outside, screaming at the top of my lungs, "It's snowing on Christmas!!  It's snowing on Christmas!"  It was too exciting!

I guess I could give you all of the details about last night. But then that might destroy, in your mind, the halo that has been firmly planted over my head all of these years. Let's just say my pure white snow has been tainted...just a little bit.

I'm disappointed in me. And that feeling I would get every time he would make a promise he couldn't keep is slowly creeping into the pit of my belly where all of the badness from the past I rarely talk about resides...and it's only a matter of time before that feeling reaches my heart, turns it black and paralyzes my whole body so that I'm useless.

He wears boxer briefs! End of story...

We played the deep question game, and he asked me what we were. I told him I was confused, because I couldn't read him...He said a lot of nice things to me/about me, and then he told me that he was happy to just "see where it goes."

I went into the conversation wanting clarity, but I left my bed, after cuddling for three hours, more confused than ever. If this isn't a relationship, what is?

A True Story

He got nervous, and wanted to back out. I told him, I'm twenty-four, I can do what I want. So he laid his head on my pillow and we slept apart, not touching, for an hour or two.

Is this what it's gonna be like, I thought. All night, him breathing quietly, so far away. But then, it happened, and he scooted just a little bit closer to me. Close enough so that I could feel his body heat under my covers. And so I took a chance and scooted a little bit closer to him...So he met me all the way until there was no space between us, and another first for Elizabeth Dawson was in the making.

Eventually laying there turned into more, but I shook my head against his, no, and he was respectful enough to stop. So we laid there, together now, and I pretended to sleep, and I willed the morning to come slower than usual, but it didn't...

Firsts

A boy that I like, likes me back.

We held hands.

He asked me if he could stay the night.

He came back when I said no.

We cuddled on my four foot couch and watched family guy.

He kissed me twice.

I trust him.

Fuck! He's intoxicating...My date went too well...And now I'm lost in territory where I've never been before...

I finally asked him on a date...except the "him" ended up being a different boy than I originally thought. It's OK, 'cause the other guy is a horny slut!

Anyway...the new boy said yes...and I'm much less worried, at this moment, then I've ever been, that I will be a forty year old virgin with fifteen cats.

I'm strapped babylove!

Drank a Mai Tai and got a contact high on Friday.

Was scared to death at the haunted house in Avondale and held hands with a new "boy" on Saturday.

Ate macaroni and cheese with lobster and bought new pots and pans on Sunday.

Felt much better about life on Monday.

This has been a hard month. I've been living vicariously through song. Here are some of my favorite lyrics:

Music to my melody. You are where I belong.

I wouldn't mind a dude that could take my attitude and take the time to listen.

Take you into my senses.

I wanna say you're a hell of a woman. You're like a new drop in the summer.

If I'm the music, you're my lyric.

I say I've moved on 'till I'm reminded of you. Can somebody help me, help me get out of this circle.

But if I am a star, she is the sky.

If you love something let it go, and if it comes back then that's how you'll know.

Fear is not the matter. I would so much rather...open up my heart and just let down my guard.

I didn't realize how much of a coward I was until I decided to try and take control of my happiness and I couldn't.

I have so much further to go...

I'm thinking about asking him on a date.

Strap it on babylove!

They run through my dreams, impermanent, laughing at me...

They say, "you will never have me, your fantasies will stay in your mind."

I wake up, sunlight glinting through the white blinds by my bed, groggy and afraid that their words are true:

I will be alone forever.

Some strange things about Arizona...

The water in the toilet bowl is warm and sometimes even hot. I know this because when you stick your butt on the seat you can feel the heat rising. Yuck!

When it rains your car gets very dirty because all of the dust falls on your car with the rain.

The taxes are rediculous, but the gas and houses are cheap.

All of the service people here are very honest about thier companies shortcomings.

Everyone drives like a maniac. I thought Cali was bad.

By the way...

I'm doing very well here. I've gotten used to the heat, I have an amazing staff at the school that I work at, I am never lonely because my cat and my kind neighbors take good care of me, and sleeping in a queen size bed is soooooo much better than sleeping on a twin!

On the bad side, my mom called me tonight and started crying 'cause she misses me. Oye!

Near death experiences on the freeway give you post traumatic stress disorder. Let's hope there will come a day, after this drive to Arizona, that a car passes me at 85 miles an hour and I don't flinch (or scream)!

To Uyen, Ann, and Sammi, who's current and future adventures are as life changing as mine right now, thanks for making me feel not so alone. Packing for a new life, you really can't even imagine, is difficult; and sleeping without thinking of everything that could go wrong before your eyes close is almost impossible...but then there's that feeling like, this is my new beginning...good luck girls, I'll certainly support you from afar, the best I can.

I hoped, when I woke up from my nap yesterday, that he would still be alive. That nineteen year old Julius Dawson was playing a very good, but totally "not-funny" joke on all of us. But when I woke up, nothing had changed. My heart was still breaking for him...he was still gone.

I'm feeling very inspired by the SGI national leaders and the new changes happening in the SGI these days. It's no accident that the "new departure" of the SGI is happening at the same time as my new departure to Arizona. I am praying that my move to Arizona will set me on the path of living to my fullest potential on a daily basis...and will be a catalyst for me to uncover some of my lost dreams.

"will you come back to me? Will you come back to me? Heaven only knows..."