Dreams came this afternoon as I tried to escape. I tried to be a slave to my subconcious. It worked. Reality kept coimg back, asking me "what do you need to do today Ellie" "Imagine the homework." Instead Malyna danced. But sometimes she was Candice. Candice always used to tell me she would be a singer one day. She moved out, and droped out. Her mother used to beat her with a belt while I was at her house. Many tears.

Shawn had an over dose, and David didn't care. So I stayed with him, and whispered into him how I would keep him alive. He kept jerking in my arms. Hope he never does any real drugs in real...

Tim kept feeding me economic hype telling me that I was being swindled. The funny thing is he was swindled buying those how to tapes, to teach everyone what's wrong. Jealousy...and I remember Double Dare...

the show came back and I just happened to be on it swiming through the sceans in slow motion.

If ever I woke up, there was only one person I could think of. And there were quite a few things that I could think of to do in order to secure a larger relationship with him. But sleep seemed to tap me on my shoulder and remined me that I'm incapable. Must overcome that. Inside myself I am safe. Have to risk it...everything...disapointment fears me. Wait.! turn that around. Want to hold him and tell him I will keep him safe. Isn't there a "do you like me survey" I could give to boys before I jump. Rate me on a scale from 1 to 10. 10 being, I want to date you. Abstraction seems to be grabing ahold of my heart.

People and Ideas I met today

He was sexy despite his gray hair. He had one of those forever tans, that come from living near the ocean your whole life. He's an ex captin and his dog reminded me of him... Wild, free, animal.

She veered to the middle of the road a few times. I could see my mother in her eyes. Desprate, living for her son. Buying organic food, in charge of her families health. She was a pro skier for four years in the 70's. Hasen't skied now for nine years. Life is different. Children do that to you.

They are both mothers. One day they will veer too.

She is the most bueatiful 80 year old I have ever seen. Hair white, angelic. She used to party. Maybe she still does. Breast cancer tried to kill her. She said, no thanks. Now I can look at her and only imagine myself in 60 years. Maybe not so angelic, maybe not so strong.

I think he's a prophet, a seer, a sage. The doctors would say he is slower then the rest of us. Maybe I am Jazmine, who died in a car chrash. He said that I replaced her. I told him my name was Ellie. Past lives...?

Evil: Seperation, distance, chasm.

Good: Ties, togetherness, embrace

They walked, a threesom, down the path. Solem. And looked at me with disgust. Sorry I critisized.

I doubt this is gonna work lets see.

I'm haunted...

Words... emails... mis-undersatnding. Try to dance it all away. Arms touch air, twirl. Helplessness. It was all a big mistake. I feel like disaster. Not that big. Not that small. Help I'm stuck. Try to be... To angry to hate, to in love to like. Hair is messy...Do you understand? Hehe...No! But I do. This road hasen't ended yet. Objectivity impossible...that's my mission. Meetings galor...RUN. Ellie can dance...she can cry to. Dosen't "Bring me joy." Sweat forever...rivulets in the streets, imaginary blood...bleeding...no. Not really. Abstraction...the key. Holds my heart. So...What?

Thursday is that in between cool. Don't really have to care. Always caring and then thursday comes and makes life sureal. If I felt like I was going to live forever would I do the things that I wanted to do. Is it the oppisite. Maybe I do feel immortal. Time will never run out. Gonna look back and wonder. Why? I don't want to have any more regrets.
Regrets= Ballet

no love
hate
tolerance
kindness
People not deserving
no reciprocating
childhood now
responsibility
F's D's C's B's A's
spin the bottle
no participating
I don't care
I care so much
no anger
dormat
frustration

I'm all lifed out. Lifeless. Life...

Sometimes my heart breaks for no reason... I think this song is like Watermelon, and Popyes and strawberry pop. Want to keep it for ever.

Hehe. Silly goose. Well can't decide what I want. I think that I feel compelled to take care of him because he dosen't expect me to. Other boys are the boys, so they want to be taken care of. Rub my feet, listen to my problems. I want a cocktail. Yeah, shove it. But he doesn't want all those things. Calls to ask me how I'm doing. I love it. Recipricol action. I want him to be happy. Never wanted that for a boy. Only wanted them to understand how frustrating they are. He's not frustrating. This is me over analyzing and reading to much into the situation. num. homework. Bad. Love to Love...

P.S. Who's leaving?

I have to say that I have the most amazing sweetie. She is an HTML god and she helped me created my new and improved, fabulous blog. Geeeerrrrraate.

A few things to keep in mind. Does America have it's own culture, or are we a culture that steals from everyone else? Plus so distracted today. Love...

So I've noticed something. I feel panic when I don't have enough to do, which leads me to feel that I'm forgetting something, and on top of that I feel panic when I can't remember something. I wonder what this means

I can never win. Just when it seems that maybe I have overcome something, another something that sucks comes and smashes me in my head. Well I'll have the universe know I'm done. I can't handle it anymore. Good things come to people who wait. Yeah, well whoever said that must have been like 80 cause the statement just doesn't seem to hold up in my 19 year old mind. Today I would like nothing more then to go around, screaming at the top of my lungs how much it hurts when I fail, how much it hurts when he ignores me, how much it hurts when the freshman on campus look at me like I don't matter. Gum on thier shoes. Gum on my shoes. Gum is cooler then I feel. I whine a lot. Sad. Gonna listen to Stevie and relate. I can listen to songs and relate to them bette then I can relate to people. That seems wrong. This weekend I plan to go to a district meeting, go to the counsler, go play guitar, and see a movie with my uncle. How come this plan seems like every other weekened. How come my life falls into manoughtony, can't spell. I like this beacause only I have to understand what I'm thinking. Ha, wouldn't I like to know! I'm hiding from myself. Can't figure it out because that would be scary. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hey, if I can't do it in real life I'm gonna do it here. I sound like one of those mad kids I could never understand in highschool, guess that shows me how much we are alike. Different.

So I'm in the room with my friends so I'm not going to mention any names but he's always on my mind. Damn!! I try not to watch him trapes always across my mind but he manages to find a way. So I think I want to have my first relationship with him, but it's so not a possibility that it's made me cry. Whatever!! People make me mad now I'm on a totatly different subject. Is Spanish a wussy languge, and if that's true am I stupid because I am learing it. I've got to stop comparing myself. If I don't I will never feel good. I want to feel good. About me, about my body, about my ability. Can't stand my own hopelessness. Is she a horrible person, that's what my friend is asking me right now. I don't think so? Am I? I don't know, I try and tell myself, "Ellie you are great!" Usually dosen't work. I like Pralines and Cream Ice cream, I wonder what that says about my personality, maybe it means I'm cool. Can't stop writting. Ok maybe I'm done. Not gonna give up. I'm gonna keep going in life, gonna keep moving, gonna keep loving, gonna keep helping, gonna keep making something work or at least try to, gonna keep...Ahhhh!!! Hard. I think my brain came together today in American Experience class. I can use things from other classes to explain things in new classes. Can't wait to keep learning.