There once was this fish named burt. His name wasn't really burt, it was ernie, but he prefered to be called burt because it sounded more manly. One day burt decided to go out to eat. There was this really great joint around his rock called the pond de yummy. So he went out with five scales, which was a lot of money in his time, to get the yummy special. When he got to the food joint he gave the guy at the water plant gate his five dollars and entered a world of yummy grubs. One particularly fat grub caught his attention and he decided to catch it instead of the yummy special. He swam towards it slowly avoiding the other fish dodging about. It glimmered in the sun and looked delicious, he had never seen such a good looking yummy before. In time, he was close enough to it that he could dart out and grab it with reasonable ease, so he did, and just as he was clamping down he noticed a peice of silver sticking out of the side of the yummy grub. But he notice to late and before he kew it he was being pulled out if the water by the hook that had been hidden inside his precious food. Before he got pulled all the way up he yelled down to the other fish, "the fishers have found our site! The fishers have found us," and then he was in the air dying.

"Looks like we found us a good one." "Yeah he's big alright!" The fish in Jim's hands was flapping around and struggling like there was no tommorow, well, actually there wasn't for the fish, but..."Boy he sure can move!" Good eaten tonight, thought Jim's fishing buddy Ralph...good eatin' tonight.

Burt splashed about wishing he had never gone out to eat. His mother had warned him of going into other parts of the water and he had ignored her like all good, young fish should. But now, as struggling became more and more difficult, he could see her kind face and began to cry, his mouth opening up and shutting. The men in the boat were making loud noises that scared burt and he treid to stop moving about. He stopped struggling, he stoped fighting, he stoped crying, he stopped living and then darkness.

"Wait 'till Rita sees this baby!" Yelled Jim, "You just wait!"

I'm gonna write just wait...

Being on campus is intense. When I compare it with home, SUA kind of feels like a weight tied around my ankle, slowly dragging me to the bottom of the ocean...water rushing into my ears, pressure making my heart beat faster, then slower...and slower...and slower...

Embracing the relationships and things that happen to me is my true challenge, because sometimes I jut want to run the other way screaming.."I can't do this!"

You know when there is something that you have to do and you are putting it off and it follows you where ever you go...he's that something. I thought, 'I can just ignore the talk we should be having.'

I had this epiphany the other day that I don't like him any more, but if that's true why do I still get nervous when I know I'm going to see him...why? And where oh where has all my courage gone? Oh, where, oh where could it be?

Independence and structure and the pursuit of happiness are quite lonley endevors. they are...it's true

It has beguneth. And my cup runeth over with anticipation of the pain that will surley ensue. Can you belive, I did homework tonight. La..La..La.

Something I wrote while I was at home:

It’s true; I don’t know what’s going on. Maybe I don’t want to know. Who am I? Am I really who I am? I want to write. The thoughts in my head want to escape. Me is screaming, articulate!!! For God sake articulate! But it’s not working, and the same thing constantly goes round. I’m lonely.


My grandma was married four times, 20, 26, 40, and 45. Sometimes I think she’s looking down on me steering me in the right direction…but then, I realize she’s probably moved on, maybe she’s one of those kids at the Wal-Mart in Aliso Viejo, a really whiney one.


My adventures in love are at a whopping zero. I’m losing the game, which is interesting because the game is all I think about. I’m spiraling and the end has touched me, looked me straight in the eyes…and what will meet me there. Will I have to wear diapers, and think, that’s only fifty years from now? Will I live in a home for the old, the food made by moms who just want to go home, my neighbors so close to death they dream it every night? What stories will I have to tell then…over and over, will I have to say I never had anybody? Will tears run down my cheeks splashing my newly wrinkled hands as I groan to the young visitor in the room about my wasted, lonely life?
And, really, I need the answer. Is romantic love, all I’ve built it up to be? Is this yanking on my heart because love is a necessity? How come it makes people cry? And write songs and live their lives in constant desire. I’m missing out on something and, recently, I’ve even contemplated online dating. Ok, loser! Something has to change. I’ve been saying that for eight years now, but it’s true, something really needs to give. I have so much love bottled up inside the first will be blown away, right out of the water they will be so loved. I heard not so long ago that each person has thee great loves. The first you will never forget. The first is all cuddles and kisses, dreams and promises that will surely be broken. Separation occurs when the two grow apart, begin to think differently, begin to want different things…
The second is the one you go through all of the shit with. Fights, Broken glasses, bills that aren’t being paid, debt, with the second you learn…you learn about what you want in life, you learn about what you want in love and then you get the hell away from each other before a murder occurs.
The third, and your final, is your soul mate. You marry, and if you’re lucky, you rock in comfortable chairs together when you’re old, death the separator, death the end.
Where is my first? Where are my promises and mutual dreams? I don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want to wonder. I don’t want to hear about everyone else’s problems with love and have no experiences of my own to share. My wisdom will someday be useless. I don’t want wisdom to rule my life. I want action to be in the drivers seat. I don’t know how to do this…I just don’t …I…

Being back at school is kind of like floating through a dream. No one seems real. In my mind I haven't left portland yet and I don't want to.

Andy, my uncle and I rolled up to SUA and all I could think was this has to be a dream...it has to. I couldn't wake up this morning, because I knew if I did I would be back at SUA, in my SUA bed, all alone.

I miss my Suitee and my friends. Non of them are here quite yet and I don't know what to do. I have no work and no one to hang out with so, now what? do do do....

I guess I'll just hold my breath until tommorow when the work will begin.