If I don't ignore him, I'll have to love him. Why does he repulse and draw me in at the same instant, at all times except for when I'm spending time with him, laughing with him and then, all I can do is whish we were together.

Caisy seems to think that there is some reason why I'm drawn to him that I have to discover in order to get over it...Or move on, or come to some kind of conclusion...But how do you find out the source of a desire, except that one morning you woke up and it was there, and there it's stayed in the black pit of your stomach for the last two years. This is illogical, this unrelenting need to make him like me back...and it's destructive, and it's an addiction, and I can't stop.

Why do his eyes have to be blue, flashing across the room like an invitation that was mailed on accident. Ok, so, I'm not invited to your party. I know that with my brain, but my heart is still reaching out, still trying to grab yours and make you see me.

Maybe in his madness he's reaching for the divine. Maybe I'm failing in the intimacy vs. Isolation step of Erikson's theory...maybe I'll never "find myself yet lose myself" in another person...maybe this is all a dream and when I wake up I'll be lying in bed next to my soul mate and I'll wake him up and force him to listen to my crazy dream of unrequited love, insecurity and profound distrust of men.

Saturday the 11th: Michael deserves some sort of award in the "bringing our class together" department. We sat in proud circles, crying, laughing and talking about cookies in equal measure and it was the first time in two years I felt good about being at SUA.

How come every event turns into an SGI meeting.

Sunday the 12th: We went to the beach and watched the sun slowly move across the sky toward the dip below the canyon that would end our last day of "freedom." I like how the sun makes me dazed and childlike and how the ocean always holds out it's arms to me.

Monday the 13th: Who schedules an SBS course that is highly recommended at the same time as another SBS course? You can stop screwing me now. I've had enough.

The spirit Rally was blood pounding in ears, screams raising and falling, sweat, and love for my class which is really my family.

Tuesday the 14th: An hour and a half of Lit and I was moved.

Information swirling, everyone telling you their way is right, and how do you raise up your arms, scream "son of a bitch" and break free, when everyone's opinion feels like a constraint.

Wednesday the 15th: Tourists are sweet. They see the beauty in things we can't and the value in things we've forgotten.

No more eating before nap time. I always wind up dreaming about the strangest, mixed up things.