It feels like someone died.

I remember when my Grandma died, it took me a long time to feel like it was OK to feel good. That's how this has affected me. I start smiling and laughing and then I feel this twinge. I don't really know how to describe what it feels like. It's kind of like an emptiness or a black hole...it's that deep. It keeps me from fully apreciating the things around me. But I think I need to feel this way. I need to mourn. I told him on the phone that I would write about how this was a tragedy. It is, in a way. He said this isn't a tragedy, no one died.

But somthing did die...I just can't put my finger on what.

There are those people in life who cause you the greatest joy and the greatest pain. He's one of those people. I told him.

So, can I just say that I have no intention of throwing myself over the canyons edge. I made a pact, today, with "someone." Me and him at the end of the year. Amen. Praise the lord. He looked at it and said he'd put it on his butsidhan (why can't I spell that word?). I'm ready to work for what I want. Gonna chant and cry and change. This is for my future. This time it's going to be for everyone. Daddy got drunk and now we're both screwed. I forgave but the repercussions are still reverbarating through my heart. I'm going to stop the shaking. I'm going to scream at my pain and make it go. It's not nessacary. "Me"..."I" Gonna be a proud "I" who remembers she was once a "me". Maybe I will switch between the two at will. I want to report good news...my whole life has changed. You. Him.

It's not over.

My tears ARE bloody, they come striaght form the heart that has never been broken. I write, now, hunched, over misrable, feeling sorry for myself. Maybe we feel sorry for ourselves so others won't have to. I only cry for real when I'm alone. When there's no chance for others to feel my pain; because the wracking sobs, the heart ache would break thiers. Irrational is my middle name...I can't seem to escape my hope. It's so pitiful to sit around and hope...it gets you nowhere. so maybe I'll just turn off. On is to much to handle.

I'm crying myself a small puddle right in my lap. Wet.

I laugh and tell people it's to late. If only they knew how much I wanted to scream. I've heard that the word Fuck is an angry word and I've been saying it more then usual. I cry because I don't know if I'm worth it. I've seen others in relationships and I can see why thy're loved. I look at myself and see why I'm not. Chant and cry, what a cycle...I can relate. I read my own words and wonder when this will ever end. Will there come a day when I don't have to moan? Self confidence is just a phrase I hear, not a concept I live.

Love to hate my self...maybe I like being misrable...maybe it gives me the illusion I have something to live for.

I don't want to read the newspaper anymore. Blood, death, war, hate. Where have I been...Is this America's great legacy? Our president is like a bad recording of a cartoon show. Over and over he says the same thing. Terror must be stoped. Death...Death, not even realizing that he is a terrorist. There was a bombing and all he could think to say was, "the enemy must be stoped." No words of grief, no feeling. He's a robotic monster. All these white men, all these congress people sit up in their fancy houses, with their fancy jobs and play a sick video game with peoples lives. I don't want to hear another statement about the enemy...about the "others", we aren't even looking at ourselves. Regime changes, policies that restrict, all to promote our way of life. And what way is that? Domination? We are always in control. Can you imagine the day we lose that? American's will cringe and wonder why. The president will make long winded speeches about the greatness of our country. He will tell us not to panic, and pray for God to protect "one of the greatest nations on this green earth." And people will suffer and everyone will wounder why. I feel like nobody really knows what's going on. We are at a crossroad and humans are confused. It is obvious that we can not continue, forever to kill and destroy. Destrution depletes. But then what? What will be the thing that reminds us we only have one earth, and we're shitting all over it?

It's funny. My friend is trying to learn how NOT to be in a relationship. While I'm trying to learn HOW TO be in one.

He made this really stupid comment about soy milk, and was embaressed. It was fine with me. I said about five, different, stupid things myself. I ran around my room when I returned from our walk, embaressed, excited, hopeful.

Akward.
We were never that before now.

I don't know what to do with my hands, with my brain. I make silly jokes to hide how I feel. If he knew would he...I mean that's the thing I don't know what he would do. Did he go back to his room and wish he could take back the things that may not have impressed me. Did he listen to his music to stop thinking. Is he hopeful.

He asked me what I was going to do tonight, like maybe he would be included in my plans. I told him I was going back to my room to do homework "I don't really have to do." He said "you can get ahead." Is that what he wanted to say? I know I wasn't truthful. Can't even concentrate to do homework.

He has pictures of his ex girlfriends on his walls. Says he's learned a lot. I don't have any ex boyfriend pictures. I don't know anything. Never hurt, never been hurt. I've always been hopeful.

I don't know where to go with this. Does his acting even dorkier then usual mean he likes me. Is it still like elementry school? Either they hit you, or they tease you, or they just don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. Holding hands, sitting, huh, he was in my dream...again...

My sister said that a girl in her class is "so Ghetto." I didn't even think she knew what that word meant. She was innocent. One day I will lose her to tight jeans, overly long telephone calls and teenage angst. She'll come back, but I remember how long it took me. Maybe I'm still working on it. She relates to the word regret. She thinks I'm childish and she calls me a dork. I've learned to live with the fact that these things are true. She'll have to do the same. She eats lunch off campus with boys..."Whatever" is her new favorite word. But she still hates it when we have to hang up...She still remembers what it was like to know nothing. She told me one time that life was hard. And that I was right, everything isn't perfect. Four years ago she told me that she would never be a teenager, that she would never be depressed, that she would wear her hair the same way forever. I think she's suprised that she lied...She wears bandanas almost everyday. Are they a permanent fixture? She seems to think so...maybe she will suprise herself again. 13 is the first year. She has six more to go. I'm ready...but I think she'll be overwhelmed.