When I rolled up to SUA my stomach churned because I didn't want to be back. This is a first. All of the other times my face has smiled and my heart has been glad. My heart was happy at home. I love you so much Christina. My brain was happy at home, Stephanie, Elsa, you too. I felt like I could finally breath. Today I walked into my dorm room and the feeling I was in a gas chamber slowly came back. Why am I dying here? Why has my heart blackened around the edges and begun to flame? How can this be?

Will he be standing on a podium urging us to cheer?
Will we shine because we finally have a goal.
The structure of our city is slowly leading to decay.
We must revitilize.
We must fight against the erosion.
Dull
When I rub hard enough the crome starts to shine
imitating my eyes when lit with passion.
There is so much in me saying...no!
But I do see you and I care that you are a political being.

I am crap. Can I just sing that really loud so as everyone can hear it. Because by the worlds standards I suck. But for some reason this seems kind of humorous. There are all of these people out there who seem to have been put on the earth simply to judge. They say bad grades = death, starvation, pain. Imagine, you might have to work at a gas station for the rest of your life. Those people are less then us...I don't think so. They probably would have done better on this last test then I did. And at the end of the day what does it mean that I blank out...panick...suffer when taking a test. Does it mean the girl next to me who got an A is better? Does it mean pumping gas is in the stars for Elizabeth Dawson. Maybe that would be better then hanging out with the people who feel supirior to the Mc Donalds workers, the sweatshop kids. Maybe, you can have a whole life full of education and lack the understanding to find your way around town. Maybe Elsa's smarter then us all. Maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better for being a complete idiot, it's true I can't spell. It's true math problems boggle my mind. It's true I should probably be in community college. I don't know why I'm here, that's for sure. I'm a waiting list queen, almost didn't get in. I'm begining to realize why. It's easy, when you got in early admission. It's easy when you didn't get contacted the month before school started. I had to think about whether I wanted to come, because my heart broke the day they rejected me. But then, low and behold, comes another letter telling me I wasn't good enough the first time, but since they had no one else I was excepted. No apologies. No sorry we took your heart out and squeezed it until it stopped beating. I've got a, you've never been good at forced academics, complex. It's real easy to say I'm being to hard on myself, heck I even say it sometimes...but the question is, who's willing to go and erase my past full of failure, full of, Ellie your state test scores say your below averge in math, and once again on the SAT's. Yeah, well the school system has failed many people. Don't talk to me about your AP classes and how you were in all of them. AP, what's that? Let's talk about the angel I made in Kindergarden, it's been on my Christmas tree for the past 15 years. Let's talk about how I have talked to bumbs at the bus station and understood their adventures. Let's talk about the trolly in Portland, and how I'm a true blue friend, and I love you. You can leave your 1300 SAT's right at the door mat, and and take off your shoes, and make yourself comfortable. Because honestly I could give a crap that you take tests well and you can do it with your eyes closed. I want to know how you feel when the sun remembers your face, and why is swimming so thereputic. I'm gonna beat myself up till the end of time for not being as good as you, beacuse I've been force fed it ever since I walked into may first grade class room. The hall is lonely when you've been sent there for talking too much. Detention isn't that much fun, and crying after every test you take starts to have it's toll. I know the red pen and it's bloody ink all to well...maybe, someday, I will introduce you.

I think I might have a chemical imbalance. That would explain so much. I feel, right now, like I did Sophmore year, sitting by the heater vent in my pajamas, crying, because the bordem was eating my insides and shredding my heart. I told my mom that night that I thought I was going to die, and ended up insulting her. She left the room angry and and I was sure my life was over. It hurt so bad, it was physical this pull. There is this string that sometimes latches to my chest and then the evil little man, that must be behind putting it there, begins to pull. He's pulling right now with all of his might trying to make me forget all of the good things.

How come when he sees me, he looks at me like it's the first time. Suprised? That I'm still here in your life. Maybe he'd like to despence of me because I'm to difficult. I'd like to do the same. The tears are right here, if you look between the spaces in my words, you'll be able to see them like diamonds floating in air. My body remembers what happy feels like, and so does my mind. What exactly can my heart do with this string? Snip. The invention of siccors, who could know?

I don't want to stop and think about how this is not working. Maybe I should forget he ever existed. Damn, but he's still here. Elsa used to get really obsessed with boys...I think I picked up a few tips unconciously.

How come I know how this picture should look, but the actual image is a blurry mess? That movie made me cry three times for innocence...lost.

I'm just a little confused. I have something to say and I've been trying to figure out all day what it is, but I don't know. I think it has something to do with my grades and how they won't matter in 5 years and why I'm going through the things I'm going through, and I never feel justified in doing anything. Live for me...because I don't know how.