Tuesday, April 15, 2003
Sunday, April 13, 2003
I came to a realization the other day, while the perspective students danced on the green and I sat from a distance wishing...I came to the conclusion that I am deathly afriad of myself. Of everything I could become, of my sexuality, of my personality, I'm even afriad of my life and the desicions I would make if only I let go. This has always been my issue. What if...I danced and I couldn't control the outcome. What if... I loved and not everything went according to plan.
So my head is swelling up and I know what that means. It means it's about to burst. My desire is about to turn to this cold hard ache and it could get ugly folks.
I laid close to the earth yesterday, and looked at the sky and willed the bugs to bite just so I could feel a twinge of life. It's not really there where it should be fluttering around in my stomach. I even wish for pain sometimes so that I know I am still here on this earth, still functioning not just mechanical.
I understand who I attract and why they are attracted. Because I'm safe, and so are they. Where is the danger, so protected, overprotected, wishing someone would just come abuse me because then I would have a story to tell. I'm always telling other peoples stories, this wisdom put here by someone other then myself. I'm always looking in the mirror wishing I was free and I wasn't afraind to shake my hips and strangers didn't make my cry.
I'm wishing for swirls and unconcious desicions and stop asking twenty questions because it's just procrastination to get at what you already know. I already know that if I just make the desicion to change it will be instant. I already know that the game is on me. I know, I know, I've seen so many times what I have to do that it's begining to get fuzzy and blur around the edges and look kind of like the leaves lit up by the sun.
It's just taking that step...it's just taking over that moment and saying..."you know what? It's on."
So my head is swelling up and I know what that means. It means it's about to burst. My desire is about to turn to this cold hard ache and it could get ugly folks.
I laid close to the earth yesterday, and looked at the sky and willed the bugs to bite just so I could feel a twinge of life. It's not really there where it should be fluttering around in my stomach. I even wish for pain sometimes so that I know I am still here on this earth, still functioning not just mechanical.
I understand who I attract and why they are attracted. Because I'm safe, and so are they. Where is the danger, so protected, overprotected, wishing someone would just come abuse me because then I would have a story to tell. I'm always telling other peoples stories, this wisdom put here by someone other then myself. I'm always looking in the mirror wishing I was free and I wasn't afraind to shake my hips and strangers didn't make my cry.
I'm wishing for swirls and unconcious desicions and stop asking twenty questions because it's just procrastination to get at what you already know. I already know that if I just make the desicion to change it will be instant. I already know that the game is on me. I know, I know, I've seen so many times what I have to do that it's begining to get fuzzy and blur around the edges and look kind of like the leaves lit up by the sun.
It's just taking that step...it's just taking over that moment and saying..."you know what? It's on."
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