How come I feel five?

This school is the best and worse thing that has happened to me. In a large school I would be lost. Always asking myself the same question...what's going on. At SOKA my mental and physical growth are stunted. I walk down the path from my dorm and marvel at my being swept up in my Senior year dream. But I still can't mingle with the other people my age. I walk away from SOKA and become useless. Men outside stay away because they know somethings wrong. Maybe the overly large SOKA sweatshirt is what gives it away, or maybe it's the ID key hanging on my neck that reminds me of what I have sacraficed. Is the dictionary more interesting then a person's experiences. Meaningless words, contradictions, I could be gaining a key to my future. I have to wipe away the fear. Birds of a feather can really be cruel.

I was laying in my bed wondering why I am who I am...and it's still a mystery. I don't think I have become comfortable in my maturity yet. Uncomfortable = obnoxious.

I have to leave this place soon. Or I will forever forget Elizabeth. It's always Ellie, or Liz, or spran..."call me what you want"...that way you will never know. I can't say exactly what I want to. My heart puts limitations on my words. How come I didn't say that the rain washed it all away. How come I didn't make a point to mention how beautiful Daito looked today. When I can say the things that I feel...that will be the day I come alive.

Yeah...I'd follow you to the end of the earth and I'm just going to have to live with that.

Maybe he is interested. He has a family...that's the only problem. How scary am I.

Is pregnancy worth it. How does that happen?

My family is going to eat it up. They always have been the black sheep. Addition. I love her and I already love the baby. Didn't I mention a few days ago...you never know. She didn't anticipate this...she loves him...told me she had never felt that way about anyone before. It's different this time Elizabeth...truly. The baby will cry, and she will cry, and he will cry..maybe leave...maybe I will love the baby more then him. My dad told me, happy it wasn't me. It won't ever be me...but...look above.

Is it going to rain or is the sky going to stare me in the face teasing. I get the joke...isn't it over yet. I need it...to feel cold drops one after the other splash on my eyelashes, my fingertips, my ankles. It's ok that way. It was raing, hard, one afternoon in the fall. I had just finished a book that made me cry because of the love I didn't have. I put on my sweater and sat on the porch for an hour remembering myself. When the rain finally subsided to a light drizzle, I went back into the house and smiled at my mom who was making dinner for the first time in a long time.

Elsa and I were in this large bed between three windows. Window to the front, by our heads. Window to the left at Elsa's side and window to the right at mine. It was as if the Gods decided to give us a gift. Wind howling, thunder boombing, the light illuminating Annettes face. The rain didn't just pour it cried. It was like a grown woman sobing for her loss. The husband she always wanted. Or a man at his childs death bed. The whole storm I smiled, wishing it would never end, and when it did I slept without dreams, already having had one come true.

What makes me feel good...can't think about the awful much longer. It will kill my spirit, so here it goes.

Justin Timberlakes new CD. How can I explain..there are no words.
Mysteries
Secrets
Him...so that's why I must salvage.
My sister
Remebering that I was once free
I will be free again
This isn't eternity
Getting off campus and realizing how many human beings there are to love.
Marcia my counsler
My dad's cooking...means so much love
My mothers lap
Alonzo...he jumped once because he was so excited
How come Elsa's so cool?
Music gets into my soul
It shouldn't
I lose control
Dances
J-crew...comfort
My expressivness
You know
Politics...there are so many possibilities
Walt Whitman...can I cry now?
Grandma...she knew
My new pants
The closed fisted hugs. I mean those ones.
Vulnrability
Book...me
It won't stop
Forty years from now I will still cry
It feels like good times
...

Random thoughts from math. Math is really evil.

I'm trying to fight it. I've been trying in my productivity, in my overcheer, in my stuffing of the face. I think that fruit was a revelation...it's the only thing that I have. Fruit, stupid, unfortunate. Where's my Grandma? I can't stand it anymore. I wish I could cry...that would make it hurt more. If I started I would never stop.

I'm not going to worry so much about making sense. Lying on the floor loves my heart. I think the floor could keep me forever and that's better. The bees outside were just doing there thing, the flowers are all they care about.

He keeps talking like I care. He keeps talking like my life is not in ruins. He keeps talking and all I want to do is fling something at his head. I would do it too if I got desprate enough. I would scream and make me listen to it.

My sister and I have something in common. Now I've regressed to where she is. Growing pains. Sympathy pains. Hell it hurts. My sweater is too small and no one cares. I made this huge effort to do my hair today and no one cares. The fog really sucks.

I feel faint, I feel like how big my hands are. I feel like a cloud. I'm gonna drift away. No ones gonna miss me. Divorced, engaged, in love, enraged. It's so not a possibility...has not presented itself.

Whatever!!!!! I can't help the hate. It's there when I lie on my floor, when I do my sit-ups, when I listen to the air outside my window.

My father, my mother, my sister, my security. They are hundreds of miles away and I'm about to lose it.

Maybe instead of looking at the ponds I will put my feet in them. Maybe instead of walking fast I will walk slower then the rest with my head held low and my arms limp at my sides. Then they will know how I really feel. It's so easy to hide away from me. She is a prime example of everything I can't be so I will go into the dark...My heart and stay locked.

I'm sorry. I know I have a lot but offering has become impossible. Do you know how I speak for no one??

I lifted my legs to the sky because my slippers said so. He said, I know something's wrong with her. I can tell just by the shoes she's wearing. I think he's right I think I am going loco en the cavesa. Oh well, it feels better this way. I don't have too much work like the last three weeks, so instead I will have too much crazy.

When I walk into the room feeling good I can see them watching, and I shrink.

What do they think? Help me oby wan kanoby.

I think his smile means he would date me. Yeah I shouldn't have...

But maybe the white underwear are what worked the magic. I need to become a magician.

Plastered there on my brain it is always. Sometimes I double over trying to bear it.

Ma...she misses me.

Aren't virgins awful. I know. I get to live with one twenty four hours a day and miraculously she shares my name.

I'm not fully tapped in...don't really want it.

Did you know my tongue can do a trick? Cherries.

Leave it alone and it'll come home. Where's the tail?

Maybe they will be perfect together. He'll smooth her rough edges. She will look on him as if she is seeing God for the first time and they will both cry.

My dream told me a story. Maybe it was only one of the possibilities. My phone rang twice, and it was painful to leave because I was near him.

Willow, Leif, the Canadian guy. I think she will meet more men then me and all of my other friends combined. The funny thing is she never leaves them without having learned a lesson. She is cultivating a personality out of them. They Mold a stronger woman. And I am jealous, but content.

It's that in between. I know I'm on the line. Possible is the subconcious. How can I utilize my knowledge? Would I be satisfied always on the edge?

She sat with a look of disgust plastered on her face. It seems a permanent fixture these days. She's old fashioned in a 19 year old body. I want to smile at her and have my pity show through. But she won't even look at my face. Maybe she knows I feel sorry for her. She won't have it.

Clarity. I love him.

I love how we passed. Silent. He with his cigerette, me with my water bottle. He looked happy.

The Federalist papers rustled in my backpack and my computer jutted into my spine. Something amazing happened today.

I know why...Life is so beautiful because you never know what's going to happen.

I wasn't worried about getting a new coat.

I smiled because my aunt is becoming a carpenter.

He avoided my question. He wants me to remember him as he is now.

How many ways can you sing happy birthday.

It's kind of like a blanket. Smooth. It feels like new...a start. The mist means nothing but life. The birds know more about that then me.

Maybe I will cry for it.

What if I lived each day like I had Cancer and I could only live for two more months? I would notice the ants. Their lives are very short. They know more about that then me.

Happy studying, and he laghed. At that exact moment I saw the orange one. It flapped its wings.

Kisses.