I'm wondering when I'm going to wake up from this crazy, loveless life. One, two, three I'm squinting through the sun. Is it almost time. Is it almost time to wake up. I can't live in fear of never being loved anymore. So maybe that means me making mistakes. A good lot of them. Maybe that means giving up my ideal and settling for ok if not only for the exprience. I have got to stop judging through my virginess. Yes that exsists, virginess. It's white and clean and smells a little like rotting lilacs. It knows nothing of how to let go. It knows nothing of loving the imperfect. It knows nothing of my body and the ache there. It is oblivious and cold and careful.

Knives slicing through chilly winter air. Water choking the air out of lungs because of its cold. Unfortunate happenstance.

I don't know why his smile has been getting under my skin...he keeps looking at me like he would if he didn't have the memoies to remind him of what used to be. I'm sure she haunts his dreams and the rim of his beer bottles. But I just want someone familiar and someone I love even if it's not in "that way." And he's it. He's all that's left. And he's right here on this side of the Pacific. So it's tempting to let go with him. I could just walk to his room and ask him if he wants to talk. and then things could happen and I could get what I so desprately need. Just to be held, just to be wanted if only for a short time. But I don't know if I want it to go down like that.

And then there's him, does he really look at me like he's interested to know what it would be like to slip me out of my clothes or am I just completely streching.

This campus is dark depite the daylight and there are monsters lurking behind every corner. Oh wait, that's just me being crazy (or is it)

Yeah I know that eaten up, shredded, hallow heart feeling you're talking about. I've felt like that only a few times. When my grandma died, the two times my best friends hated me for being different and not wanting to hurt others anymore, and everytime I could smell the drug smell wafting up from my dads bedroom door. It hurts and feels like it will never go away, but it does. I have every confidence that your life will bloom into the brightest flower and your parents will see you for who you are: the cutest boy in the world. But rummble the tummy changes take time.

Hurry up. That's what my brain keeps screaming in my ear and I'm falling apart at the seams like a well used stuffed toy. I can't break again, I don't want to do this. At the Ramen place I left and went to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet and cried...she embarressed me so bad and I was light headed and it really got to me. I don't know how many more times I can do that.

I've really got to go wash my hair...