I am...

Mutable like water.

There are pennies in the fountain by founders hall. They don't really bother me, just make me wonder why.

Why do we make these unrealistic wishes.

The wishes on first stars, on rusty pennies that I could have used, on comets...Love, respect, a new life, all my efforts were fruitless.

...so tired.

Beaten

Appretiative

What's going on and how come I'm out if the loop.

My life is passing me by and I'm watchimg with a half smile on my face...wishing I could stop it, and remake it.

A life make over.

But first...there are all of these things I have to resolve.

I have to get better, I have to run away, I have to figure out what I want in this life.

The excuses are abundant. They're bigger then my desires to change and they always win.

If I could just will them to lose. If I could just will them away.

If I could change, god damn, if only I could change.

I want to yell at you and tell you how insinsitive you are. I want to put up a good fight and at least be able to say that I tried. But instead I let you tell me that this...disapointment...would lead to my finding the person of my dreams. Bullshit and you knew it. Well, now it's getting harder and harder for me to look you in th eyes. I don't want to be kind to you and tell you what you want to hear. No... I want to slap you across the face and remined you that I still exsist and I feel the exact same way I did on that day I gave you my soul and you gave it right back. I want to cry to you about how much you are loved, and how easy it is to love you every second, how painful. Why do you insit on pursuing this dream, why am I doing the same thing...target, you. You are the source, of what? My discomfort, my happiness, my sickness. Please, if you care about my saftey, tell me how much you hate me. Talk about how we can't be friends anymore because I don't have perfect hair. If you care for me give me a reason to hate you other then the one I already harbor, my unceasing love.

I can feel myself slowly losing it. I don't think I can walk past him one more time without going off about his ignorance of my love.

I don't think I can type one more word for a class, without shouting to the gods that my heart has more to say.

Keep ignoring me and you'll see the breakdown of a human being.

It will be slow, first I will cry, then I will scream, and then I will go mad blubbering about my sensitivity to the light.

If I could explode my feelings into the atmosphere, people would be knocked clear to the end of the universe.

If I let what is inside of me make it's appearance I'm sure it would resemble the moaning and suffering of the world.

I type, to let it out slowly. Drip. But it could gush, oh, could it, and flood this whole campus. My rage, my sadness swirling around my body. I would stealthaly walk to your door, open it and "away we go." The words I've always wanted to say bursting through m lips, blinding you, they're so intense. Get your sunglasses it's time to ride.

My life flashed today and it was good. Sometimes being sick feels better then being well because the inside is making it's appearence.

This boy walked in front of me for two seconds and I could see that he was a stunning beauty.

I've never been good at hiding how I feel, I must cultivate that skill, so that you won't be able to see the love shining on my face every time we pass.

Walmart is definately a downer.

I'm going to Costa Rica When?:O

I feel yellow. Hazy. Fog on glass after a hot shower. Gauze, lace, a veil.

Friday the thirteenth. This day has been an interesting phenomenon in my life. Every Friday the thirteenth I have wished and wished that something exciting would happen. Fall in love, Make out, Make love. But never have I had an interesting one. Tommorow, maybe, will be different.

I have to tell me about the dream I had. I walked away from you angry and hurt because you choose to go. But for a minute while I held you, for a minute when I told you to tell the truth, you paused and contemplated it. There was nothing for me to think about, personally, and because it was up to you I ended up crying. Some people can't see what's right in front of thier face.

How can you be so cruel? And what's more, how come you can't see how much you hurt my heart? She is beautiful isn't she? She is the epidemy of what it means to be feminan, it's interesting how I can't even spell that word. Well I'll just keep on, and you can just keep on, but I won't stop caring. You were so awkward when you asked me. Why were you akward? I would go anywhere with you, and it's evident that I scare the life out of you. And it's evident that I just can't shrink anymore. I won't. I am not going to shrink from anyone anymore. No one is better, no one is happier, no one is smarter. We are all doing the best we can. I just want to love myself and you...no more comaprisons, no more compromises, no more pain...at least for now.

I'm driving in my car made of clouds down a path that is so foggy. The windshield wipers are doing thier best to move the air so I can see. Big trees that look like bodies remind my of my smallness of my insecurities of all of the mistakes. Trees don't make mistakes. Sometimes it's hard to care that I just ran over a rabbit in the road. It's increadibly tempting, the cliff that hangs to my right. Down, Down I could fall. There are people on the side of the road, they have tears in thier eyes. Some of them are smiling and some sobing and they all look at me as if I have an answer for them. I yell out the window, "Respect!" and keep driving, this makes thier tears come faster. My tears are mixed with sweet rain and thunder, lightning is a possibility and I will it to come zipping through my heart in order that I can finally live. But this road seems endless and the chance of lightning dim. And for the life of me I can't see more then 10 feet on either side.