Saturday, November 23, 2002
Friday, November 22, 2002
If I feel hostile towards myself, how will anyone ever love me?
She said she hasn't been this depressed in a long time, and there was this huge part of me that wanted to scream, me too!
So I guess the question is, am I just supressing once again? Maybe that's my one talent...I can pretend well.
My heart broke at least three times today because I knew you wouldn't tell me how you loved me when the day was done. Because I remembered that there really is no us, and as much as I will it to be...it might always be in vain. What do you think of my desperation, because I know you can feel it, and I know it turns you off. But my eyes will never lie, and unfortunatley you can read them.
Well, I'm trying to wipe my pain from the brown, and I'm trying to go deeper so you can't see how I suffer. I'm trying to make your dis-interest easier for you. How I want to find...why I can't let this go. And her, and the dreams, and our vow to one another. You should have never let me hug you, and you should have never let me kiss the place between your ear and your neck, you should have kept your hand firmly in place until I shook it. But I stepped the boundry and you let me and it's hard to forget how I went back to my room and felt like the sunset I saw today. And it's hard to forget how I was the little girl who just had snow shoved in her face by the person she thought she loved, the next day felt just like that. Can't I forget that phone call...and how come you never call anymore. It changed I know. I know...I'm sorry. I tried to tell you before we hung up how I hoped she would make you happy, but the words wouldn't come and all I could mutter was how I had to go. I should have said it because the truth is I want you to be happy...it's this endless struggle with myself...she'd be good for him...I'd be better...But that's really not the point. Because this is not the end as much as I feel like the earth is trying it's damndist to swallow me up, and I'd go too, except I feel like there's something else I have to do. Has it really only been Three months and if this feels like 10,000 years of suffering what am I going to do when it's been a million. And that's where that pesky moment comes. Maybe I'll win...
She said she hasn't been this depressed in a long time, and there was this huge part of me that wanted to scream, me too!
So I guess the question is, am I just supressing once again? Maybe that's my one talent...I can pretend well.
My heart broke at least three times today because I knew you wouldn't tell me how you loved me when the day was done. Because I remembered that there really is no us, and as much as I will it to be...it might always be in vain. What do you think of my desperation, because I know you can feel it, and I know it turns you off. But my eyes will never lie, and unfortunatley you can read them.
Well, I'm trying to wipe my pain from the brown, and I'm trying to go deeper so you can't see how I suffer. I'm trying to make your dis-interest easier for you. How I want to find...why I can't let this go. And her, and the dreams, and our vow to one another. You should have never let me hug you, and you should have never let me kiss the place between your ear and your neck, you should have kept your hand firmly in place until I shook it. But I stepped the boundry and you let me and it's hard to forget how I went back to my room and felt like the sunset I saw today. And it's hard to forget how I was the little girl who just had snow shoved in her face by the person she thought she loved, the next day felt just like that. Can't I forget that phone call...and how come you never call anymore. It changed I know. I know...I'm sorry. I tried to tell you before we hung up how I hoped she would make you happy, but the words wouldn't come and all I could mutter was how I had to go. I should have said it because the truth is I want you to be happy...it's this endless struggle with myself...she'd be good for him...I'd be better...But that's really not the point. Because this is not the end as much as I feel like the earth is trying it's damndist to swallow me up, and I'd go too, except I feel like there's something else I have to do. Has it really only been Three months and if this feels like 10,000 years of suffering what am I going to do when it's been a million. And that's where that pesky moment comes. Maybe I'll win...
Thursday, November 21, 2002
My life and the way it really isn't:
I don't walk around at parties with my shirt somewhere anywhere but on my body.
My sister doesn't repell my friends.
My teachers do not invite me to thier houses to talk about Jimmy's being gay and the crazy orgies they've had.
Yuko does not pick up my white underwear that I droped in the middle of the class running to meet me in the rain.
Sammi and I do not fight over boys and if we did Rumiko wouldn't win.
He dosen't smoke anymore and even if he did why would he do it in the middle of a storm sopping wet with a look of displeasure on his face.
Jess and I don't go to dance classes together that have been cancelled on account of her father running for office, and oh he was a weirdo.
We don't have this amazing computor program that allows us to go to Soka while we are at home.
And if he had a preformance, why did he come running back into the room to tell me for the second time he would miss me. He left wet hand marks on my teeshirt and I could barely tell the difference between my tears and his drip
Dream!!
I don't walk around at parties with my shirt somewhere anywhere but on my body.
My sister doesn't repell my friends.
My teachers do not invite me to thier houses to talk about Jimmy's being gay and the crazy orgies they've had.
Yuko does not pick up my white underwear that I droped in the middle of the class running to meet me in the rain.
Sammi and I do not fight over boys and if we did Rumiko wouldn't win.
He dosen't smoke anymore and even if he did why would he do it in the middle of a storm sopping wet with a look of displeasure on his face.
Jess and I don't go to dance classes together that have been cancelled on account of her father running for office, and oh he was a weirdo.
We don't have this amazing computor program that allows us to go to Soka while we are at home.
And if he had a preformance, why did he come running back into the room to tell me for the second time he would miss me. He left wet hand marks on my teeshirt and I could barely tell the difference between my tears and his drip
Dream!!
There's this pact I made with myself. It wasn't exactly be happy, but it was win in the moment.
Can I work you out in my head? Can I figure out why I feel hopeless when I think there will be a day you are no longer a part of my life.
Are there really other men on this planet or is it only an illusion, and why do you love her so much? Does she give you what you want. I think it's that smile, and the droopyness, and the sincerity. OK, I will retreat to friend, even though friend is no comparison. I will go home sit on my couch, happy to have escaped the image that only follows me around on campus. I will drown in MTV, and bus rides, and shopping, and then I will drown in food and my aunts blackberry cobbler. My family will create a dream that shelters me from myself and mabey for one minute I will forget to breath. Head dropping to the pillow chest still. Empty.
The plane ride home will be interesting to say the least. Me, reading about a girl I will never know, and stopping in the middle to wonder if you and I will have the same fate.
Me I think you lied.
Can I work you out in my head? Can I figure out why I feel hopeless when I think there will be a day you are no longer a part of my life.
Are there really other men on this planet or is it only an illusion, and why do you love her so much? Does she give you what you want. I think it's that smile, and the droopyness, and the sincerity. OK, I will retreat to friend, even though friend is no comparison. I will go home sit on my couch, happy to have escaped the image that only follows me around on campus. I will drown in MTV, and bus rides, and shopping, and then I will drown in food and my aunts blackberry cobbler. My family will create a dream that shelters me from myself and mabey for one minute I will forget to breath. Head dropping to the pillow chest still. Empty.
The plane ride home will be interesting to say the least. Me, reading about a girl I will never know, and stopping in the middle to wonder if you and I will have the same fate.
Me I think you lied.
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
I can see you with that bottle raised above your head, happy to be alive. What would I do if we had never met?
She said that our meeting was a serendipodus moment, a happy accident, and I knew.
But maybe he will never look at me and wonder why not.
It's not a fight I'm going to lose. There are so many paths you can follow and which ever one I stick to I will tread it joyfully, my tears a testament to my growth.
I love those that challenge me. Can I skip now?
She said that our meeting was a serendipodus moment, a happy accident, and I knew.
But maybe he will never look at me and wonder why not.
It's not a fight I'm going to lose. There are so many paths you can follow and which ever one I stick to I will tread it joyfully, my tears a testament to my growth.
I love those that challenge me. Can I skip now?
Tuesday, November 19, 2002
I woke up today and was unsure of my sanity, my head felt so heavy.
It was different then usual, I can smile and mean it.
Sometimes everything falls into place and you know your heart has been altered for the better.
Are they bitter or jealous?
You have know idea how much I love you, how it hurts me when I see you across the room down trodden missing what you have never known.
I'll except my current situation and love it, and remember that redish-orange glow that keeps me hopeful.
Talk to me and I will take my heart and remodle what's there.
I'd better, remember today and how it feels to be happy.
It was different then usual, I can smile and mean it.
Sometimes everything falls into place and you know your heart has been altered for the better.
Are they bitter or jealous?
You have know idea how much I love you, how it hurts me when I see you across the room down trodden missing what you have never known.
I'll except my current situation and love it, and remember that redish-orange glow that keeps me hopeful.
Talk to me and I will take my heart and remodle what's there.
I'd better, remember today and how it feels to be happy.
Monday, November 18, 2002
What does it mean to fight with the voices in my head, to let the positive win over the negative? What does it mean to be good to me? This journey has already got me overwhealmed.
This weekened I sailed through my life and he told me it was beautiful. Why couldn't I believe him? She said it was like a 25 year old man looking at the little girl playing jump rope and it is. She made me role over laughing. I had three days in a row in which every event pointed towards my happiness, now I just have to follow the map that it made. Victory, winning, living, joy. I cannot deny myslef these things any longer. "Your negativity will destroy you," he said, "don't let it." And I won't.
This weekened I sailed through my life and he told me it was beautiful. Why couldn't I believe him? She said it was like a 25 year old man looking at the little girl playing jump rope and it is. She made me role over laughing. I had three days in a row in which every event pointed towards my happiness, now I just have to follow the map that it made. Victory, winning, living, joy. I cannot deny myslef these things any longer. "Your negativity will destroy you," he said, "don't let it." And I won't.
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