Christmas has come and almost gone again! I hope everyone had a lovely day.

The older I get, the more I love Christmas. Last night we had our Christmas party. Our parties always end with drunk adults complaining about the Republican party, but they sure are fun before the fifth bottle of wine. My mom cooked her famous macaroni and cheese with sour cream, along with a turkey and all the rest of the trimmings. The food was delicious and the company was drunkenly hilarious!

Today my dad made us our Christmas brunch...And then we opened the presents! It took us two hours to open everything, but it was great to see the smiles on everyone's faces as they opened up their shiny packages. Alonzo even cried when we gave him his I-pod nano. It was classic.

We played Monopoly, ate cheese and crackers and listened to cheesy Christmas music together. Looking forward to next year...

"Pirate me hidey!!"

If I was clever and getting enough sleep, I'd write an epic blog about the disappearance of Samantha June Hawkins. For now, all I can say is...she must have finally taken the final step to "Pirate hood." Sammi, have many gold filled adventures for me and the rest of us land loving folk. We miss you.

It's 2:18 am.

I just wrote a 7 page paper in five hours.

Did we really used to do this kind of shit on a regular basis? I mean, I recall writing a 20 pager in a day. Was that really my life?

Studying has no place in the real world.

It's official, my mom and I are going down to California on the 14th of January! I'm very excited. Believe it or not, I miss California, a lot! I was telling Alli, on the phone, that I miss the strip malls, the mild weather, walmart, and even the traffic. I miss all of those things about California I vowed to hate forever! But mostly, I miss Soka and all of you guys!

My classes are ending in two days, and I'm sad. I've met some really great people in my classes, and I'm going to miss seeing them every day...

Yeah, so this is miss totally brain dead signing out!

I've got some good news and some GOOD news! First, today, I kicked off my five day vacation...I have to say that sitting on the couch, doing nothing, is highly underrated...

Second, I found out that my loans have been deferred. Yay! No payments, and no interest! Yesterday, I called both loan companies to find out about payment methods, and they informed me that because I was taking classes at PSU part-time I have an "in school" status, meaning I don't have to pay! I will be taking classes next semester also, and plan on going to grad school this summer, so it looks like I won't have to pay anything for the next year and a half. FABULOUS!

Next week I have five days off, in a row! No school, no work, no nothing unless I choose to do something. I think one of those days is going to be spent in my pJ's, in front of the TV, eating ice cream.

If uyen's blog makes me jealous. Jo's blog makes me blind with envy.

Oh! To be in New York, in love....

Ok everyone, now raise your glass for a toast to EMPLOYMENT!! Seems like everyone's on the right track...Now you too can watch as your money is slowly eaten away by the many expenses life throws in your face...Oh reality, "Oh discordia!"

So talk about being a big dork hooked on a book series, I'm still going strong on Steven Kings dark tower series. I'm about an eighth of the way through the last book. My life will feel very empty without my "tower" friends who's journey I've followed ever since graduation. It's weird how the characters in books sometimes become more real than the living breathing people that surround you...

...It's very easy to live in a fantasy when your reality doesn't match your ideal. "can you ken it."

my newly acquired license (by newly, I mean I got it today!) is in my wallet, and the road is waiting for me drive on it... watch out p-town!

Five Reasons why Elizabethtown is really all about me...

1. The opening scene is an aerial view of my city p-town. I recognized every building and every bridge.
2. The scene at Orlando/drew's shoe-wear company is shot at the Nike town headquarters, also in Oregon.
3. The scenes at Nike town are cross cut with the scenes shot at Soka U. There's a scene in the Ikeda reading room, the art gallery, and the gym. All I could think in my head was, that's the same gym I graduated in!!
4. The scene which is supposed to be located in the Portland airport...like Orlando is leaving Oregon to go to Kentucky, I think...was shot at the John Wayne Airport. That's the airport I traveled from every time I went home!
5. And to make it as clear as glass, the title has my name in it.

The movie is not that great, but Orlando' s pretty smokin', and I was practically screaming when I saw the shots with our school in them. My sister and Christina were like, "Ellie shut up." "Ellie, calm down!"

Yesterday I took the CBEST. Who knows if I passed. All I know is if I didn't, I might have to break down BIG TIME...

Yesterday I really missed Uyen. Taking my test reminded me of taking the GRE together. I remember driving to the test site in Ann and feeling nervous, but happy that Uyen and I were going to go through the craziness of the GRE together...

Andy and Koji: Who the heck am I going to hang on in the haunted houses this Halloween?

My body finally gave in to my crazy schedule. I hate being sick!! I've been in "the dream world" all day trying to sleep off this cold I caught, and trying to relax, because my life reached maximum intensity this week.

I've finally started taking classes. I have three, and I love them, but working ten hours during the day and going to school three hours at night is proving to be a great challenge...Can I really maintain my health with this schedule?? Who knows. And to top it all off It's raining cats and dogs!!

Ok...I've got to get through this. I just keep telling myself it's only eight more months until I get into grad school and REALLY start working toward my goal of becoming an ele. Teacher. My challenge is to celebrate these next eight months and enjoy them for what they will be, a crazy period of learning and growth. There's nothing wrong with that, right? Let's just hope my immune system can take it. And my friendships...

If I don't email, call or talk to you all for awhile, just imagine me chasing around two year olds for ten hours, and then jumping on the bus to sit through class. I love y'all!

I'm being bought, and that's the truth.

I'm too shy/scared to "get a life," and that's the truth.

The Joyful Noise take over of the YMCA is the worst thing that I've ever experienced on a job, and that's the truth.

I may never grow up, and that's the truth.

I get jealous when I read Uyen's blog because it reminds me of the life I wish I led, and that's the truth.

I'm a judgmental brat, and that's the truth.

I'm broke, and I watch too much TV, and that's the truth.

I don't trust, and that's the truth.

One of the best things in the world is a hug from a friend you haven't seen in a while. I went to a BBQ at Wula's house today and saw Caisy, and Jackie! They both seem well. We sat around and talked about our new lives, and how the shadows of our old ones seem to get in the way of happiness...we ate chicken, took a walk around the neighborhood, talked about "boys" and "girls" and enjoyed each others company. Caisy said she's "in transition." Jacky works at soka and said she refuses to eat in the cafeteria where the food is no longer free, and the faces have changed. Wula and caisy work in a restaurant in the town center and they said the professors find excuses to go eat there so that they can see people from the class of 05. The profs are lost without us. Jackie said they call us their babies...

Will I ever feel at home in my house again?

Happy Birthday Cassie and Jess...Your cards are in the mail!!

"Your eyes have a story that they wish to tell, and I have my whole life and I listen well. Look I'll be your confidant, tell me anything." JT

First, congrats to all of those who have recently been hired...Mitzi we can suffer together in the shoe department...and Sammi, I do need more One Piece!! It keeps me sane.

Updates:

I went to the beach for three days last week. And it was cleansing. My sister and I ran across sand dunes, wiggled our toes in the cold murky water, and I ate eggs benedict. I want to go back, I wanted to stay forever, but that's not life. Life is hard work.

When I came back from the beach, I picked up my 2004 Toyota corolla from the Hertz dealer. Yes, I bought a car. I love it. I'm in love with it. It's the highlight of my last three months.

I talked to Pili today, who was at SUA, and found Andy who I talked to for the first time in forever!! I could hear the other students celebrating a birthday party in the background and my heart broke. I wanted nothing more in that moment than to escape from real life and feel warm and safe in my Soka bubble again. But then my new car called and I drove myself and my mom to a diamoku toso (aka lots of chanting at a friends house).

Reasons why I'm stressed out:

• I can't wear sandals to work anymore and my feet are mad at me for suffocating them every day.
• I have to be at work every morning at 7:15am. At soka nothing began before 9am. My body is in shock.
• My new bosses are absolutely nothing like my old boss Terri. She talked with us about Harry potter and cramps. My new bosses barely manage a hello, much less an entertaining conversation.

Can I do this?? That's the question taking over my brain...

So, In the last three weeks my job at the daycare has been incredibly stressful, to say the least. A new company is taking over the Children's Holladay Center on August 1st. In the last two weeks all of the staff members at the CHC including myself have had to reapply for their jobs. This month has been filled with my wondering whether I'd have to move on and get a different full time job. Today, however, I found out that the new company is hiring me and is giving me a full time teacher position. I have mixed feelings. I'll be making $2 more an hour and I'll get health insurance, which is a good thing, and I'll get a lot of great experience planning lessons, etc. But on another note, it scares me that I will be responsible for a class. I won't go into the class with the mentality of a sub or an aid, but with the mentality of a teacher. Ahhh....Scary!! My week will be a 4/10 week. I'll have Tuesday's off and work all other days from 7:30pm to 5:30pm. Hmm, well, I guess I'll just give it all I got, and hopefully everything works out for the best.

Being dependent on your parents sucks. How come my dad is the "flakiest" man in history and my mom the most frustrated woman?

I've been so babied and spoiled it feels like there's no turning back.

I'm going to buy a car. Or my mom is and I' m going to pay for it.

Sammi, this is for you!! Remember our butt filter with musical downloads?? Well, I think this is the first step in that direction! http://www.flat-d.com/canineproducts.html

hehe!

Ok, So I'm really excited about blogger's new image uploader. Just a random picture of all my crazy friends to make sure it works.

My sister wrote this about all of you in her journal at the beginning of last school year (don't worry, I have permission):

...Night we left Soka:

We have just left Soka and I am very sad to see all of the faces I have come to know and love fade away into a dark cloud; The faces of my sisters friends who are friends to me too.

Pilipino and his singing

Sammi and her love of kid movies

Allison and her funny talk (punk ass mo fo)

Ann and her 300 movies

Andy and his smile

Cassie and her boyfriend stories

Jessica and her love for Wendy's

Uyen and her simplicity

My sister and her laugh

Phat and his expressions, along with his strange commentary

I will miss them all in one way or another, and I will miss the feeling and the smell and the excitement of being there...

My new "supervisor" said: "welcome aboard Elizabeth," and I smiled.

Second job, here I come!

Wow! Starting today I can officially say, I graduated from an accredited university. Well, at least it's accredited now, and no one needs to know about the four years when that title seemed so far away, and down right impossible.

On another note, they're looking for Anime teachers over here in Oregon...(Ellie coughs loudly)...Sammi!

So Sammi, I saw the American One Piece the other day, and it was by far the worst Japanese Anime gone American I have ever seen. Although the changes in the weaponry weren't as bad as I thought they would be, the voice overs and the English translations are what killed me. All of the magic was sucked out of the Anime. When Sanji opened his mouth to talk, I 'bout nearly had a heart attack, because he has this awful Brooklyn accent.

The characters said things like: "Now were really cookin!" And they added extra dialogue where there actually was none in the original. Oh the sadness!!

The spiders are coming!!

Yes Jess, I will call you back. I'm assessing my financial situation...

In between working at CHC and attending SGI meetings, I've been daydreaming. I dream about my future car, my future apartment, my future career and my future boyfriend. Unfortunately most of the things I dream, take money to make a reality. I can wish for a car until the sun don't shine, but I won't have one until I have $400-$500 a month to spend on payments and insurance. And the boyfriend is just a distant fantasy, that no amount of money or dreaming will make true for me.

I am so over being twenty something and a college grad!!

I can be semi proud of myself, because in the last two days, I've managed to apply to 4 jobs. Yay!! Hopefully my second job is being lined up right now, and managers are talking about how they 'want to hire that cute girl that came in yesterday and dropped off her application.'

I've been day dreaming about my future apartment. I've decided I want to have lots of candles, and a red bath mat. My friend Nyle has a red bath mat, and it's super cool. Nyle has decided that the youth division should have cocktail nights every first Thursday and I have to say I support his idea whole heartedly. I'm thinking about buying a black cocktail dress, so that I can go out to the art shows after the cocktails looking like a stunning 22 year old and get some booty!

Today my friend Monica finally graduated from High school. I'm so proud of her, because she managed to get an award for most improved student, two scholarships for college, and she already has fifteen college credits under her belt. Go Monica! At the graduation, I saw so many of my old friends from high school. It was weird. Everyone had a baby! And my friend Wyuka, who I used to be in love with, has an eight month old little girl. It's so surreal to think that this person who was just a little boy himself only a few years ago is responsible for this baby's life. Sitting and talking with him made me feel very old.

Today was my first day back at work, and all I can say is. Ohmygod. These chillins might just drive me nuts.

My life post SUA has consisted mainly of sitting on my ass. I can't work until my enrollment in Oregon's criminal history registry has been renewed, and so, I've been pretty unproductive the last few days. I've watched far to much television. The advertisements have begun to eat my brain, and all I want to do is shop. My sister and I went shopping, but all I could find (that I knew I liked and would wear) were seven pairs of Victorias Secret underwear and two bras.

I went to high school with one of the bank tellers at US Bank and he gave me his number. He wants to hang out some time. But I'm too chicken to give him a call.

Elsa called me on accident the other day. We talked for about five minutes and made a promise to see one another soon.

I went to the starlight parade with some of the Seattle youth division members. It was fun. They came up to Portland to scope out the parade, because SGI is supposed to march in it next year. Pablo convinced me I should be in the Seafair parade again this summer. Jess and Cassie, if you are reading please know that I'm very convinced, in my own mind, that you two should also be in the parade! Expect a phone call in the next few days!

Christina went on a cruise to Mexico. If you're out there Uyen, you might just be on the same cruise. They left from Cali, did you??

Will this life ever really be mine, or will my mom always have to give me a ride to the video store?

Will I ever be strong enough to let go of comfortable?

Can I actually save enough money to have my own apartment, visit Allison, and Andy in cali, and put myself through school?

First I need to get a second job. Baby steps...

A miracle:

My neighbor has unsecured, high-speed wireless! His name is Matt. I've been "borrowing" his internet services for the last day and a half. You can't beat free!

If he catches on to me, the school across the street has unsecured wireless also...and I thought I was going to have to pay to get internet back on my computer! ;)

My Aunt Nanee passed away today at 9am. She was 94. I was able to spend a good amount of time with her last Christmas break. We watched television together. She talked with me about her favorite memories and her closest friends. I helped her put a photo album together. She told me she loved me and would miss me when I left for school.

That was the last time I saw her completely conscious and spunky. That's the Nanee I'm going to miss.

I saw her for the last time two days ago. When I walked into her room, I was shocked to the very core. She was sitting in a wheel chair, slumped over. She had an oxygen mask strapped to her nose. She was shaking. She couldn't open her eyes. I totally lost it. I went into the bathroom to morn the strong, lucid woman I left last Christmas break. When I returned to her room I held her hand, and tried to give her comfort. When I left her, I felt empty. I felt like Nanee was already gone.

When my mom told me she passed away this morning, I felt sad but relieved that she wouldn't have to suffer anymore. She wouldn't have to spend one more minute slumped in her chair shouting the only word she could still say, "ouch!"

I'm going to miss you Nanee. You always stuck up for yourself. You never let anyone walk all over you. You enjoyed your life despite all of your own losses and heart aches. I love you.

My sister said: "That's what small schools do to you. They make you never want to leave."

My two worlds are colliding. It's messy. It's interesting. It's sad.

I am in complete denial. This part of my life is not coming to an end. I absolutely won't acknowledge that we are about to graduate. No, no, no!

Today was a good day. HOL was a great success. Who knew we would get a standing ovation. That was fabulous. It made all the hard work worth it. The whole point of HOL was for the audience to have an hour of enjoyment and I think we (the performers) accomplished our goal! Capstone, who??...Graduation, what?? I don't want to leave!

My body keeps telling me to slow down. I have a headache right now and I should really lie in my bed and go to sleep, but there is far to much to do for something as leisurely as a nap. How am I going to complete everything? How can I maintain the momentum when my Brian has already shut down. I am checked out academically. All I want to do is spend time with my friends, watch good movies, and dance. That's it. But Capstone is standing in front of me and I can't go around it, I can't go through it, so I'll just have to complete it and turn it in for it to truly go away. Oh where oh where did all my passion for my project go??

In response to Cassie's most recent blog: Gail told me the same thing and I spent 15 hours trying to make it better. Capstone is not who we are, it doesn't define us...you just tell Dr. W to screw him and his mamma and everyone 100 years down the family tree...you get my drift...

In response to Andy's most recent blog: Man you got it bad. You sound like me a couple of months back when I wrote the little ditty:

Why do his eyes have to be blue, flashing across the room like an invitation that was mailed on accident.

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To Stand on her step with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers be good to your daughters...

I apologize to every boy I've abused, made fun of, injured, and damaged due to my insecurities. I apologize to myself for not letting myself experience new things because of my fear. I apologize to myself for failing to love and in doing so failing to live.

Today I have felt nothing but hope. I think I'm going be ok. I think I'm beginning to heal.

She deserves a crown, but where is it now...


I can feel a panic attack coming...I've never had one before, I wonder what it's like. I may soon know, if I don't figure out how to get my shit together and work a little harder on everything I need to do before the semester ends.

Oh boy...yep I can feel the panic. It's building up there in the dark place in my stomach where I harbor all my fears and disappointments...

And that's it...

Happy 22nd B-day Uyen!!!!!!!!

I wish I could make it go across the page like you do, but I don't have the same mad skills. You're just going to have to pretend it's going across the page. Oh, look at it go...oh, there it goes again!!

I want to sleep and have dreams of love reciprocated.
I want to sleep and wake up feeling like I did at ten, refreshed, ready for anything that might come my way, and eager to explore.
I want to sleep and converse with the mist outside my window frame. Is there more to life than academics? and what's that feeling I get when the sun glints off of the leaves and everything smells fresh like birth.
I want to sleep and rediscover the passion I used to have for living before everything got too hard, relationships became more complicated, and love turned it's head from me, shunning me, denying me...

My dad is changing his life. In the last three weeks, I've heard him (on the telephone) go from defeated old man, to a man excited about living, appreciating his family, saving money, paying old debts, and becoming really confident and happy for the first time since I've known him. That's the best birthday present I could have ever asked for. Second to that, is ann's mixed CD, which made me cry (again) and is one I will listen to until and beyond the age of 45...Life is lovely.

Twenty Something

I’m twenty something
Waiting for the stains of adolescence to fade
Turning out ambiguous tarot card readings
Impermanent
Divine
Asking questions to clear away the sticky cobwebs of immaturity
When will my search for truth end?
How can you help me change my sad situation?
What is love?
I’m a virgin with impure thoughts
An intellectual child
A goddess
An enigma
An opaque phantom, silencing my screams

As he stood in line and shared his heart with the very boy who won't share his with me I looked at the pickles and held in my tears. Many meaningful moments don't lead up to a meaningful whole. He's the only boy I've wanted to change, even though I know that it never works. I can't help wanting to save him from himself and his facade of care. I'm arrogant and I know it. But with him it's coming from a genuine place. I want him to need me, because nobody ever has. But, you thought I was over him. I am, it's just when I'm about to have my moon that I get overly sensitive and he gets to me again.

I knew life wasn't going to be perfect, but I didn't think it would be this hard...

I can't eat. I can't sleep anymore; waiting for love to walk through the door.

My greatest fears:

I'll die a virgin
I'm not cut out to do an independent project like capstone
I'm not no nice girl
I'll live with my parents until I'm 30
I won't get a job after SUA
I'll let my friendships dissolve after SUA
I'll make it to 50, look back on my life, and feel disappointment...

It's funny how you can look in the face of a person you've known for three and a half years and wonder who they are, and how come you don't know anything about them anymore, and doubt whether your bond was ever real.

I'm emotional. I am trying to hold on to you.

My Goals for this semester:

Chill out to avoid developing the twitch in my eye again

Enjoy doing my capstone. It's about elementary school students. It's not a scary topic and I love learning about teaching and kids

Take care of myself when I'm sad or sick

Take care of my friends when they're sad or sick

Be more responsible with my money

"Give some to get some" wink, wink