It snowed today in Portland.  And I couldn't help myself!  I ran around outside, screaming at the top of my lungs, "It's snowing on Christmas!!  It's snowing on Christmas!"  It was too exciting!

I guess I could give you all of the details about last night. But then that might destroy, in your mind, the halo that has been firmly planted over my head all of these years. Let's just say my pure white snow has been tainted...just a little bit.

I'm disappointed in me. And that feeling I would get every time he would make a promise he couldn't keep is slowly creeping into the pit of my belly where all of the badness from the past I rarely talk about resides...and it's only a matter of time before that feeling reaches my heart, turns it black and paralyzes my whole body so that I'm useless.

He wears boxer briefs! End of story...

We played the deep question game, and he asked me what we were. I told him I was confused, because I couldn't read him...He said a lot of nice things to me/about me, and then he told me that he was happy to just "see where it goes."

I went into the conversation wanting clarity, but I left my bed, after cuddling for three hours, more confused than ever. If this isn't a relationship, what is?

A True Story

He got nervous, and wanted to back out. I told him, I'm twenty-four, I can do what I want. So he laid his head on my pillow and we slept apart, not touching, for an hour or two.

Is this what it's gonna be like, I thought. All night, him breathing quietly, so far away. But then, it happened, and he scooted just a little bit closer to me. Close enough so that I could feel his body heat under my covers. And so I took a chance and scooted a little bit closer to him...So he met me all the way until there was no space between us, and another first for Elizabeth Dawson was in the making.

Eventually laying there turned into more, but I shook my head against his, no, and he was respectful enough to stop. So we laid there, together now, and I pretended to sleep, and I willed the morning to come slower than usual, but it didn't...

Firsts

A boy that I like, likes me back.

We held hands.

He asked me if he could stay the night.

He came back when I said no.

We cuddled on my four foot couch and watched family guy.

He kissed me twice.

I trust him.

Fuck! He's intoxicating...My date went too well...And now I'm lost in territory where I've never been before...

I finally asked him on a date...except the "him" ended up being a different boy than I originally thought. It's OK, 'cause the other guy is a horny slut!

Anyway...the new boy said yes...and I'm much less worried, at this moment, then I've ever been, that I will be a forty year old virgin with fifteen cats.

I'm strapped babylove!

Drank a Mai Tai and got a contact high on Friday.

Was scared to death at the haunted house in Avondale and held hands with a new "boy" on Saturday.

Ate macaroni and cheese with lobster and bought new pots and pans on Sunday.

Felt much better about life on Monday.

This has been a hard month. I've been living vicariously through song. Here are some of my favorite lyrics:

Music to my melody. You are where I belong.

I wouldn't mind a dude that could take my attitude and take the time to listen.

Take you into my senses.

I wanna say you're a hell of a woman. You're like a new drop in the summer.

If I'm the music, you're my lyric.

I say I've moved on 'till I'm reminded of you. Can somebody help me, help me get out of this circle.

But if I am a star, she is the sky.

If you love something let it go, and if it comes back then that's how you'll know.

Fear is not the matter. I would so much rather...open up my heart and just let down my guard.

I didn't realize how much of a coward I was until I decided to try and take control of my happiness and I couldn't.

I have so much further to go...

I'm thinking about asking him on a date.

Strap it on babylove!

They run through my dreams, impermanent, laughing at me...

They say, "you will never have me, your fantasies will stay in your mind."

I wake up, sunlight glinting through the white blinds by my bed, groggy and afraid that their words are true:

I will be alone forever.

Some strange things about Arizona...

The water in the toilet bowl is warm and sometimes even hot. I know this because when you stick your butt on the seat you can feel the heat rising. Yuck!

When it rains your car gets very dirty because all of the dust falls on your car with the rain.

The taxes are rediculous, but the gas and houses are cheap.

All of the service people here are very honest about thier companies shortcomings.

Everyone drives like a maniac. I thought Cali was bad.

By the way...

I'm doing very well here. I've gotten used to the heat, I have an amazing staff at the school that I work at, I am never lonely because my cat and my kind neighbors take good care of me, and sleeping in a queen size bed is soooooo much better than sleeping on a twin!

On the bad side, my mom called me tonight and started crying 'cause she misses me. Oye!

Near death experiences on the freeway give you post traumatic stress disorder. Let's hope there will come a day, after this drive to Arizona, that a car passes me at 85 miles an hour and I don't flinch (or scream)!

To Uyen, Ann, and Sammi, who's current and future adventures are as life changing as mine right now, thanks for making me feel not so alone. Packing for a new life, you really can't even imagine, is difficult; and sleeping without thinking of everything that could go wrong before your eyes close is almost impossible...but then there's that feeling like, this is my new beginning...good luck girls, I'll certainly support you from afar, the best I can.

I hoped, when I woke up from my nap yesterday, that he would still be alive. That nineteen year old Julius Dawson was playing a very good, but totally "not-funny" joke on all of us. But when I woke up, nothing had changed. My heart was still breaking for him...he was still gone.

I'm feeling very inspired by the SGI national leaders and the new changes happening in the SGI these days. It's no accident that the "new departure" of the SGI is happening at the same time as my new departure to Arizona. I am praying that my move to Arizona will set me on the path of living to my fullest potential on a daily basis...and will be a catalyst for me to uncover some of my lost dreams.

"will you come back to me? Will you come back to me? Heaven only knows..."

I finally rode my bike to work! It hurt. I'm so out of shape that my thighs started burning after peddling for just one block. So sad...that's what happens when the only exercise you get for a year is walking up and down the house steps.

I also started writing in my journal again...I was like, oh yeah! I do have emotions...I swear, for the last ten months I've been in survival mode, which means, for me, that I tried to think and feel as little as possible...

For graduation gifts, I received a tea pot, a set of silver wear, and a measuring cup and spoon set. Opening up these gifts was both exhilarating and terrifying, because they are symbols of my impending independence. I've been an adult for a long time now, but I've been dependent on my parents since I was born. Are these mini panic attacks I've been experiencing, right before I drift to sleep, normal?

Next week:

Last class: Mon

Send in Teaching License paper work: Tue

Leave for Japan: Wed

Arrive in Japan: Thur

Mom picks up my cap and gown while I'm in Japan: Fri

Alumni meeting: Sat

Leave Japan: Sun

Arrive in the U.S. and graduate at 2:30pm: Sun

What was I thinking!

I went to the Oregon teachers job fair this week and had five interviews! I was offered a job in Arizona in one of the school districts in Phoenix. I'm very confused about whether I should move, or keep hitting the pavement here in p-town. Phoenix equals complete independence. Am I ready for that?

OK...so I don't mind being hit on by a sixty year old man...it gives my confidence a bit of a boost...but when that's the only guy who's hit on you in like three or four months, its worrisome.

I've definitely let myself go!

I'm on vacation, but I can't help but listen to the little voice in my head that says, don't relax...you've got to graduate in a month, and you're not gonna do it if you sit down and watch movies and eat chocolate for the next seven days...

Life has taken a turn for the better in the last two weeks. Things are going well enough at school, my family and I celebrated my 24th birthday on the 2nd at the cheesecake factory. We were the loudest family there and the waitress said she loved us. My house is finally clean for the first time in three months and Elsa and I are talking again...oh, you didn't know, well we didn't talk for six months or so because she was mad at me...but we worked it out yesterday and I'm very happy we did.

Today was probably one of the worse days of my life...I do not say that lightly, and it's not funny. Today was filled with screaming children and my supervisor watching it all in the back of the room. Oh my. All I can think about right now are all of the professions I should have chosen to pursue. Like waiter, or McDonald's hamburger maker. I could have done those jobs well. I have a feeling this throbbing in my head is not going away anytime soon...

So January Started off with a headcold and February started with a big bang of Norovirus: AKA diarrhea for four days straight. Am I going to survive 2007? That is the question.

Andy and Sammi, I hope your new blog titles give you pleasure.

And to Ryochan: You read my blog!!?? I had no idea.

To Uyen: School is slowly killing me...well my kindergartners germs are anyway, but I'm gonna make it. And when I do, I'll be immune to every illness known to little, five-year- old man!

I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
-Yeats

2007 has begun in ernest. I've been sick with a head cold for four days. I'm suffering massive anxiety about teaching kindergartners, and I've watched way too much television. Hmmm...imagine that. Well, all I can do is continue to chant, and have confidence that 2007 will get better.