I cried on Friday, I cried on Saturday, I cried on Sunday...what am I going to do without my Costa Rican family.

7 days and counting.

He has the power to call me sweetie and break my heart at the same time.

I have two presentations in my tico classes tommorow and then I can breath easy.

I have two weeks and 4 days to soak it all in.

Im already begining to feel the culture shock.

This Morning I heard the song The Way We Were from one of my favorite corny movies and I thought, How sad that we always look back and think, that was great, but while we were actually living it we were thinking, Im going to die. My determination for the next four weeks is to think right now, this is great and not begrudge all of the things I have to do. Because whether I like it or not, all of the struggles are what make my life rich, and trust me in Costa Rica Ive had lots of time where im just riding the waves, and frankly, I dont like it.

Costa Rica. I wrote a list of all of the things I would miss about Costa Rica on Monday and it came to three solid pages. And still I cant help but smile when I think that in a month and two weeks, I will be home.

You know that feeling where you want to scream just so that people will notice you are suffering. Its that whole misery loves company thing.

I need to get over the fact that I don´t know what the heck is going on.

I think this spring break Im gonna go to the family finca and the rest of the peolple in my program can just shove it right up there party every day playa every weekend butts.

I just have to say that Im so happy to be here in Costa Rica with Keiko. I love our struggles. And we are going to make it.

Ok so that depression only lasted half a day. I think I´m getting stronger.

I am so sick of myself right now I want to sit in this internet chair and scream bloody murder. Who decided that my heart should be pumping in this totally inadequate body, with this totally inadequate mind. My heart hurts right now and I want to cry and run terror through the streets.

I cant believe how much love I have inside. theres no one to recieve it and its like a cow that hasent been milked, its going to kill me.

I know the perfect word to describe me, which is akward. Im a stumbling, bumbling mess...I want to live in my dreams where he loves me. I want to sleep all the time instead of being in this reality. Im alone. Every night of my whole entire life I have gotten into a bed alone, I have dreamt alone, I have loved no one and nothing and everything all at the same time.

And its taking everything I have right now not to break down and say no more please, no more...

Im going to change my boy karma, and im going to do it before I turn 22. Ive been chanting an hour every Monday and Thursday... Im going to be happy, right now, at this very moment...Im going to help my friends in Costa Rica get through all this, cause they have been helping me. Im going to stop wishing I was somewhere else. and the next two months are going to be amazing because I make them that way.

Yesterday my grandma passed away. She was my stepdads mom. And I just remember how precious she was, while she tryied to stay strong for the familly at the reunion this winter. And I remember that she loved me and my sister. And I understand that she was tired and it was her time to go.

Random thoughts in Costa Rica

Time is passing by here so quickly because there is nothing to hold me down. After next week, which starts tommorow, as far as Im concerned, there will only be two more months in Costa Rica and thats including Spring break.

Could I be any more pumped? Could I be any less appreciative of the opportunity I have here?

But I want to learn Spanish and I want to get out and theres nothing more than that.

Yuck! Public displays of affection. They are gross and now I know why poeple dont like them. Ive been witness to far to many in this dirty country that will surely give me lung cancer.

How easily time makes me weep inside, how easily the minutes tick by. How often it seems they tick in months and days.

The chairs here are beyond uncomfortable. Three hours in a classroom with uncomfortable chairs means painful ass every thursday. I dread Thursdays. They bring out my fundamental darkness and every second is a struggle to overpower it
with light.

Please remind me what Im doing here with no sponge and a mild appreciation for language.

Please remind me what Im doing here, away from every single thing important to me...no love, no regrets, no feelings of anger...Just a fear, that seems unrelenting, of the next day and the next challenge.

Just the fear of constant failure and embaressment and not knowing what the hell to do.

Im going to go home and roll in the happiness of clean streets, green leafy salads, diversity, english, baggy pants and love.

Thats what I miss the most. Your love.

Its reallly hard trying to be freinds with peole through the internet. Especially when they are hurting, suffering, unhappy. I want to gather you all in a large room for a group hug. I want to tell you its all gonna be OK...I want to lie to you and make you feel better. I want to tell you the truth and remind you that all things pass and all things are important.

Human life is much like plant life, except for the working with the rest of nature thing. We are all interconnected and everything we do effects another human being.

Please be true to your heart. Please make difficulty decisions if they will help you and the people around you. Please dont ever let go. Because i need you and so many others do too.

Please eat good food and enjoy the sun, or the rain, or the snow...

Top Ten things I will remember about/Realized in Monte Verde Orientation

1. I fell in Love with another boy who will never love me back

2. I love sheets. I didn´t have them for two weeks and sleeping in a bed without sheets and dirty covers is less then comfortable

3. Costa Rica is not paradise

4. Every family is messed up and all men cheat

5. The bus almost drove of of a cliff and I thought -well, at least, when I die, I´ll be looking at a rainbow and the perfect picture of green

6. I am such a prude

7. In the US we don´t even understand the concept of bugs. Try little bugs on the floor and in the cracks. Big ones crawling in your shoes, gross ones waiting in your shower. Find thousands in your hotel bathroom drawn to the solatery light above your sink...

8. I´m a stickler for guys who are soft around the edges

9. The hot Tico guys ¨accidently¨ touching my ass

10. I know enough Spanish to get by...I know enough Spanish to want more...I know enough Spanish to feel it in my veins and crave it and hope that it will come.

Im in Cosat Rica. Its crazy.

i have so much to say, but only five minutes to say it.

Its been, scary, exciting, horrible, fun, boring, all of that all in one.

but most notably Costa Rica is beyond beautiful. i never realized places like costa rica exist, but im so happy they do.

Ok, so after reading everyone’s Blogs, I have come to the realization that I am a complete slacker. Haven’t written anything in like 3 weeks or something crazy like that...but seriously, it's been very hectic around here. Christmas, snow, trying to see all of my friends, been to the mall like fifty times trying to buy everything for study abroad, and packing, I haven't gone to bed until 2am every morning.

The scary day is tomorrow. The day I get on a plane and fly to Costa Rica and give up my very regular, no thrills, life here in the US. Am I ready? No of course not, and you know me, I’m totally doing the ellie freak out thing too. So this last two weeks has been stressful, but fun and I've come to appreciate my little sister even more, if that's possible. She really is my best friend in Portland.

Cassie, I got the scarf. Thank you so much, it was a wonderful surprise.

Andy, Weird dream...so did you write that letter to sensei?

Uyen, good job writing Spanish!

I miss everyone sooooooooooooo much. I keep thinking that I’m gonna get of the plane in Costa Rica, and all of the people from Soka are gonna be standing there waiting for me. But no. It will be strangers and I’m gonna have to make friends again, which I might add has been incredibly difficult for me to do in the past, so wish me luck.

I'll try and keep writing on this thing and I’ll try not to write in code, but I’m not promising much.

He's really sick. And I always knew. He has that sick man lateness and that sick man humor. But he's stronger than his illness and he will be with us for many years...i am so happy to know him. If I could, I would reach inside of his body and rip out the virus that has already killed him. When the word Terminal is attached to anything you know, it could be any day. It makes me shaky to think about how strong he is and how much he has given me, and how he was the one who finally made me feel again.

I think you might be jaded.

I wish everyone knew how much I suffered for him...Pined for him...gave my love for the first time to him. How much we went through, me crying on his floor. "Let it all out," he said. How come he is so good. Then they might stop asking where and how and when...then they would know how deep his love for someone else cuts me. You have no idea. And suddenly he's beautiful. And suddenly you are competition. And suddenly I remember how good it felt to know he was far away...unable to touch me.

I think you might be tainted.

Hmmm. I'm in a sort of in between stage right now, which is always good because it means I'm niether happy nor sad just tryin' to stay alive. Just tryin' to wait for the time when I get on the plane to meet mi familia y comemos mucha comida.

She was so empty. He was desperate to fill her, but he didn't know how...

If my mouth even opens right now, the words: Why am I so sad, why am I so sad, why am I so sad will come pouring out. Anyone...anything, anything, anything.

The girl looks at her hands, the sun pouring orange and painful. She whispers, "end it."

The empty is in a specific place in my body. right above where my food settles. and it radiates to my finger and toenails and it shows in my puffy creased eyes.

I'm trying to keep all of the parts together. Crazy is threatening me. Anything, anything, anything...anyone.