Goodbye my friends whom I've shared my changes with. I will miss you.

I've really got nothing to say. My life is on one of those smooth sections of the road. Can't really feel anything, I'm going through the motions. Can't really see anything 'cause it hurts to much. And what's more, don't really want to get out a bed 'cause I know the day will mean nothing. Endless thoughts of things I can't have and things I can't acomplish and this dull buzz in my ears. I'm a walking, laughing nightmare of a girl who can't see past the thunder and can't hear past the clouds, and isn't even trying...to get a love, or a number, or a drink...not even trying to get a let go or a let loose or a lose control. If I dressed my vagina it would wear kakai colered shorts. No silk or velvet. No lace or lilac, only dull tan shorts. Haven't owned up to anything, excepting my wrong actions at the wrong time. Haven't apologized enough for tearing the people around me apart...I sit and mope and they think maybe it's them...it's not. It's more about the long endless highways and the streches of green that touch to heaven. It's more about how ninty and twenty equal 110...who cares. Wow! And it's really about how I want to be a poet and a dancer but I don't have the guts, the talent, or the brains to do what I really want to do. And it's always about how I don't love myself and it rubs off on others. And it seems that it will never cease to be about lonliness and pent up sexuality and my anger at everyone else for having what I want.

I am going to evolve. I am going to change. This is going to end. And the world will sigh because it knew me.

There is only a thin thread that separates us from pain, from death, from love.

It's about time I fell into someone elses space. Into thier personal, into a claim of devotion.

I fall asleep with frantic images of love. With empty. Without knees and knobs that belong to someone else. I have never been held. I have never been kissed.

Concept unreal, try to hide it from myself really. Because she hit the nail on the head while we were on the boardwalk.

My spirit will die. Never knowing the tug and pull of someone elses for sheer want of my attention.

And I just keep waiting here for the universe to renig on this cruel joke it's playing on me.

I'm sure without a doubt the gods are watching from thier hiding spaces.

Laughing at and loving the girl they've denied life.

Fingers brushing away the lonely that has seeped into my bones, I'm about to give it all up.

It's so nice when I slip into that cacoon of pain. It becomes my lover..."no one but me could ever want you", it says. "No one but me." And it is black and destructive, just like an abusive relationship. I cradle it in my arms because it's all I have. The only flaw: pain doesn't wipe away the tears. I have to do that myself.

And eventually it becomes to hot and to explosive and I have to abandon it for a bit. But pain always comes back, tugging lonely behind, and because my bed has never known the heat of another I let it in, my first love.

I made another realization today. Some of my friends are really abusive to me. I'm sensing a pattern in my life. I'm sensing falling apart in my life. I'm sensing that I've been ripped.

I came to a realization the other day, while the perspective students danced on the green and I sat from a distance wishing...I came to the conclusion that I am deathly afriad of myself. Of everything I could become, of my sexuality, of my personality, I'm even afriad of my life and the desicions I would make if only I let go. This has always been my issue. What if...I danced and I couldn't control the outcome. What if... I loved and not everything went according to plan.

So my head is swelling up and I know what that means. It means it's about to burst. My desire is about to turn to this cold hard ache and it could get ugly folks.

I laid close to the earth yesterday, and looked at the sky and willed the bugs to bite just so I could feel a twinge of life. It's not really there where it should be fluttering around in my stomach. I even wish for pain sometimes so that I know I am still here on this earth, still functioning not just mechanical.

I understand who I attract and why they are attracted. Because I'm safe, and so are they. Where is the danger, so protected, overprotected, wishing someone would just come abuse me because then I would have a story to tell. I'm always telling other peoples stories, this wisdom put here by someone other then myself. I'm always looking in the mirror wishing I was free and I wasn't afraind to shake my hips and strangers didn't make my cry.

I'm wishing for swirls and unconcious desicions and stop asking twenty questions because it's just procrastination to get at what you already know. I already know that if I just make the desicion to change it will be instant. I already know that the game is on me. I know, I know, I've seen so many times what I have to do that it's begining to get fuzzy and blur around the edges and look kind of like the leaves lit up by the sun.

It's just taking that step...it's just taking over that moment and saying..."you know what? It's on."

Should put up what I wrote in Scotland...not yet.

Put on a pedestal you fell so far. I like your faults, they make me seem human.

Smile at me, sleep with someone else and I'll just keep remembering what I should have had.

Dragon on his hand

Back pressed to mine

a small boy

waved good bye with a smile on his face

When I was younger I took my mom for granted. She cooked, she cleaned, she loved, she slaved and all I could think was how she wasn't doing enough. Who was I? How could I? Where did this appreciation come from?...when did this mind shift happen? My mom is a god.

I sat around this table and looked out at love and I realized I am rich.

And now, even the air I breathe reminds me of deliverance.

And now, even the bad things seem like wishes come true.

I'm twenty years old, and my life can feel it.

How does a man lose his way.

Find the little boy in the obese body.

That's who he remembers

That's what never ends

Childhood.

Life makes me afresh daily.

Sweet middle C's ring out.

Endless.

It's Valentines Day, which tends to fill me with hate and anger but this one is different. I woke up this morning and I was like, I'm gonna make this a good day, and so far I have. If you love and give, people will love and give back...lesson number one. Lesson number two, acceptance can go a long way.

How come I feel like something really bad is about to happen or has happened? I've got that down in my gut feeling, and it's scary.

Love is like film, it needs darkness to develop. How great is that line.

Today was one of those wham bam thank you mamm kinda' days, and my brain hurts. Running around, chicken cut lose...how does your world change in a single moment?

Good Vs. Evil...I have so many people to talk to this about. Oh no...here it goes.

Happiness comes to those who welcome it with open arms and a bright smile.

Wiggle your nose rabbit. I know, I take it back.

My desperate attempts at consecous are lost, and so I zone out, and fly to the land of, oh how this is painful.

Brain twisting, far out, universe kind of changes are happening to me.

Occupy time with weird dreams and endless thoughts of how it could be if only I could make up my mind. I have two new hobbies.

Boundless are your rivers of ideas, how dare you ignore mine.

I have fought to be nothing, why does that have to change.

looking back on old photos I'm more then I can handle.

Moments, frozen, of ice pops and snowangles, but they don't portray how right then, I was wishing I had a boyfriend.

You keep wishing your life away, soon you will be wishing for those days you used have back.

Aren't you hungry for a change or is that my own twisted duck.

I guess Americans get to start over twice...happy new year.

Roots, sucking,
Life sustaining...
I have risen, it's hard to see
Sponge like,
more then pores,
roots sucking,
Anything more?
Throw...shove...Push,
everything at me.
Laughing, mouth wide,
eyes have always sparkled,
roots sucking.
I've been ready.
years stacking,
time passing.
I've been ready.
Amiration...anticipation,
forgetting to take care of many...
I am a work in progress,
roots sucking, life sustaing...

Rough around the edges.
Not quite together.
Breathless.
Speaking of the unknown as if it will be easy.
I fall a little more each time I fail.
I look foward to the nothing moments, because darkness shields pain.
Don't look at what I haven't become.
I can tell I have a lot of growing up to do.
I've already come to far not to be moved.
Keep mistakes and never learn.
Wipe the salt water.
Ready to lay down under the sun, hand held up, see through fingers.
Squint and laugh...It may always be the same.

There are these moments I have that remind me of how alone I am. They are kind of like an epiphany only they hurt, and that’s when it starts. Slam you down in the mud, rough and unforgiving sadness.

It could have been any other night…bird.

Remembering that I have a hole somewhere in my middle, insides dropping out, that’s the hardest thing about dandelions and never knowing center.

The light can dim to a glow…hard to see, hard to even notice those people to my right.

Sleeping alone is like forgetting the sun sets as other things slow down. It’s like a wish…a constant, steady reminder of empty cups and empty hands. I have slept alone since the day I squinted at the bright lights in the hospital.

My spirit has never known unshaven legs and face stubble…it is half there. My spirit longs to touch “man heart” and hair that has never been longer then mine.

Oh woes to the never calm ocean that mimics my heart and teases me because it is content.

Sand between my toes has always felt better then sitting and waiting…