My friend Christina was quite convincing yesterday when she said I should accompany her and her roommate to a drag show at Darcelle's in downtown Portland. I made up every excuse I possibly could not to go, especially when I heard that the show would be followed by a male review (yeah, that's right folks, hot guys, with g-strings, attacking horny women).

Somehow she sucked me into going. I walked out of the house looking a hot mess but determined to have a good time despite my fear that crazy drag queens would make fun of the "prude" twenty three year old in the audience and hot naked guys would dry hump me.

The drag show was great. The queens have this sexy dignity that I aspire to as a woman. The host queen was like eighty years old but still doing his/her thang. And it's pretty fabulous watching a drag queen dance around the stage to Mariah Carey's take me higher...It's like the song is fulfilling its mission somehow.

After the drag show, my friends were like..."Well, we're going to go to the bathroom." The minute they left is the same minute the male review started. I sucked a little harder on my rum and cherry coke and prayed my friends would return to their seats before the dry humping occurred. The first dancer was a blonde business man...I don't think I'll ever see a real business man gyrate against a pole in his skivies and top hat, but it's an entertaining fantasy none the less.

The show was a combination of choreographed acts and g-string clad men working the room. The working the room bit is what scared me the most because it consists of women holding dollar bills in their various orifices and the naked men pressing their "members" up against the women as they kiss, touch, and ultimately get the dollar from them.

Every time one of the guys passed me I tried my best to pretend I was actually invisible, but one stripper just walked right in front of me and started dry humping the air in front of my face. I screamed and he got the point...

Hmm...but then the fireman came out, and let me tell you girls (and Andy) he was a mighty fine piece of meat. By the way, he took his g-string all the way off during his performance, which was strangely OK with me...maybe the rum and coke doing it's job...?

The fireman eventually made his way to our section of the room, and Becky made him work for his dollar. Stina and I were sitting there like, he better not come over here, but of course that's when he noticed us and was like, "I'll be back for the scared one's!" Ahhhhh... I was like, he might have a nice penis on stage, but I would like to avoid having it swinging in front of my face!!

Maybe half an hour later, the fireman finally made his way back over to Stina and I. Christina had had about five drinks at this point so she was feeling good enough to stick the dollar in her mouth...and well you get the point.

I again pretended to be invisible and it was working until someone shoved a dollar bill down my shirt and told him to go get it. Much of what happened next is quite blurry seeing as I wasn't breathing the whole time. But I do remember fireman straddling me...Pulling the dollar out with his hand, rubbing his lips all over my neck and then he kissed me on the cheek. While he was doing all of this I kept smacking his ass...which was really just a nervous tick, but I just kept doing it!! As quick as he had come, he was gone. I gave Christina my "you did this to me look..."

Listen, the moral of the story is, I had a great time!! It was really a lot of fun...and next time you girls and (Andy) are in town we're going to Darcelle's! Plus, if we ever go to Vegas again we HAVE to go to Chip and Dales. Stina told me the men are the cream of the crop and mighty fine...so no objections!

Love y'all