Truth hurts...


I like Usher...I can't help myself. Need Vitamin C. We get 22 days for Christmas break this year. I have a feeling those 22 days are going to feel like a little slice of heaven...
Busy, rushing, addicted to motion, when will I be able to stop, breathe in and appreciate the last year here at my home?

Lack of a romantic relationship is my stressor, discomfort and depression are the outcomes of that stress, mental and physical harm are what I have to look forward to.

Goodie, I'm an anxious/ambivalent psycho. All signs are pointing to my self destruction. Help me.

The biggest problem is I love him so much I can't think logically...It's not even logical to say that because what is there to love but a dream and a fantasy I've created in my head.

If I could say one thing to you, I would tell you "I love you and want to be with you more than anything I've wanted in a long time." That's it. Short and sweet. True.

Vegas was like being on a sugar high. Pumped, ready to go, lost in the lights, but as the sugar high dissolved into a crash it felt like the slot machines were sucking the life right out of me, and if I had stayed, I would have given in, become a lush, and given my money uncontrollably over to the mouths of the money eaters that can't possibly still be hungry.

I wish I could take the blue and shove it into my heart and hold it there and remember the way it makes me feel forever, like cosmic oceans, like infinity, like searching for ladybugs in a field of grass. It's like at that moment I forget who I am. I become a whisper, and I have to avert my eyes just to remember me. It's like being stoned from laughing so hard or momentary disorientation...He's dangerous...He's my only fix.

If I don't ignore him, I'll have to love him. Why does he repulse and draw me in at the same instant, at all times except for when I'm spending time with him, laughing with him and then, all I can do is whish we were together.

Caisy seems to think that there is some reason why I'm drawn to him that I have to discover in order to get over it...Or move on, or come to some kind of conclusion...But how do you find out the source of a desire, except that one morning you woke up and it was there, and there it's stayed in the black pit of your stomach for the last two years. This is illogical, this unrelenting need to make him like me back...and it's destructive, and it's an addiction, and I can't stop.

Why do his eyes have to be blue, flashing across the room like an invitation that was mailed on accident. Ok, so, I'm not invited to your party. I know that with my brain, but my heart is still reaching out, still trying to grab yours and make you see me.

Maybe in his madness he's reaching for the divine. Maybe I'm failing in the intimacy vs. Isolation step of Erikson's theory...maybe I'll never "find myself yet lose myself" in another person...maybe this is all a dream and when I wake up I'll be lying in bed next to my soul mate and I'll wake him up and force him to listen to my crazy dream of unrequited love, insecurity and profound distrust of men.

Saturday the 11th: Michael deserves some sort of award in the "bringing our class together" department. We sat in proud circles, crying, laughing and talking about cookies in equal measure and it was the first time in two years I felt good about being at SUA.

How come every event turns into an SGI meeting.

Sunday the 12th: We went to the beach and watched the sun slowly move across the sky toward the dip below the canyon that would end our last day of "freedom." I like how the sun makes me dazed and childlike and how the ocean always holds out it's arms to me.

Monday the 13th: Who schedules an SBS course that is highly recommended at the same time as another SBS course? You can stop screwing me now. I've had enough.

The spirit Rally was blood pounding in ears, screams raising and falling, sweat, and love for my class which is really my family.

Tuesday the 14th: An hour and a half of Lit and I was moved.

Information swirling, everyone telling you their way is right, and how do you raise up your arms, scream "son of a bitch" and break free, when everyone's opinion feels like a constraint.

Wednesday the 15th: Tourists are sweet. They see the beauty in things we can't and the value in things we've forgotten.

No more eating before nap time. I always wind up dreaming about the strangest, mixed up things.

Blehh, blehh...If I wrote how I feel, It'd be a bunch of angry words outlining my inability to change, and grow as human being. I don't want to bore you with the usual.

My uncle seems to think I need a therapist. Get my head straight, get my head right. I tend to agree. I need a life makeover. I need to check my arrogance. Dead. Tracks. At the door. It's interesting how I think that everything and everyone is against me, but really I'm against everything. I don't know how to let myself trust and that's the end all be all to all my problems. I can't trust boys, I can't trust my dad, I can't trust the SGI, and the real problem is that I can't trust myself. So how do you let go? How do you stop comparing yourself to others? It's so much easier to feel sorry for yourself, to stroke your own ego, to put others down. When I look deep into my life, I don't see a pure green like life, like the trees, like grass, like the leaves of flowers. Instead, I see grey, like stone, like death, like the cracked sidewalk near my house. I need to start excepting responsibility for the changes I want to make. No one is going to change to make me feel better. I have to do that for myself. I have to paint my own life green like the leaves of flowers, blue like the oceans ebbing and flowing.

I'm a professional daydreamer. If I had to do it for a living I'd make a lot of money. In my head, I swim in perfect oceans. Hold hands with boys who normally ignore me. Dance salsa. Beat the crap out of those who piss me off. Smoke cigars in Cuba. Listen to the waves as the sun sets. Write books. Own a cabin in Main. Swim with dolphins. Spend thousands on a new wardrobe...But then a friend, or a loud noise, brings me back to reality and there is always a short period of mourning for that I don't have. Shame on me.

Expect your life to be magic.

Good times at medieval times.

It's true, everything can change in three weeks or a day even.

I remember when I was small, and I used to wake up in the morning refreshed, smiling, ready to uncover all the day had to offer me. I t was so real. It felt like everything was more colorful and more important.

I've been very confused for the last ten years. Everything has been a bit gray around the edges. I look forward to sleep instead of just appreciating it. I should look forward to waking, I should remember hope...I'm gonna start living like that.

Watch me shine.

I don't know who or what I'm hating right now. Probably myself. I feel sick with worry. I'm mourning the death of my relationships. Can I really revive them? Can I really work this out? It's about time I cried. The tears are there just on the outside of reality. Soon. I feel more lonely then I have in years. No one to connect with every night. I haven't talked seriously about my feelings for this year to anyone, and who is there, are you out there? It's not about "I" it's about what we can do together. But doesn't it seem easier to go into yourself and hide, hide, hide...

There are so many things in this world I don't understand. There will never be an end to my education. Life, I'm sure, will continue to supply lessons, whether I want them or not.

I don't know much about math, or what it means to live life to the fullest. I still have so much to learn about appreciation and doing things for others happiness. Most of the time I don't know when to keep my mouth shut, and the Spanish I once knew is slowly slipping into oblivion.

I can't understand the stage of life many of my friends have entered into, one where they know who they want to marry and have someone so important in there lives they never want to let go. I don't know about my own heart, I don't know how to love someone deeply, I don't know how to let go of my fears, and I don't know how to stop making the same mistakes over and over.

I do know, however, that if my life continues in the direction of depression, I will be lost. I do know that if I can't wade through the crap in my life to clear water, Things inside of me will shrivel and die and my soul will become malnourished. I do know I want to change and the more years it takes to change, the longer I wait to change, the harder and more impossible it's going to be.

Walk this journey with me and don't hold me back.

It's quiet. I miss my sister. I want to make my capstone excellent. He haunts me. My insecurity level has gone down to a 5. Many days, many hours to make my last year worth it. I'm not going to cower. I'm the most passionate about people who've been forgotten. I'll remember you.

So I'm awake and suffering. My dad and Alonzo were the ones who checked my bags in at the train station, but they had to take some stuff out of my big black bag (too heavy) and place it in my sisters bag. Now I have no toiletries, no deodorant for the second day in a row, no toothpaste, and no comb. I decided to wait for my family to come before I leave my room, so here I am all cooped up, smelling like horse poo. I hate the first week of school.

It was surreal driving up to campus last night, the buildings swaying before me like I never got off the train. Everything was moving in slow motion because I was so tired and I felt like I should get up and run back home. I don't know how I feel right now. It's a mix of excitement at seeing my friends, fear of losing my way, and anxiety that I won't accomplish all I need to accomplish before I graduate.

If you're reading out there and you feel the same way say, amen!

Today's my last day of work...Don't know if i'll ever go back , except to visit, and the thought hurts my heart.

Need to finish last minute shopping, going to have fun at my dad's BBQ, need to tame my nappy hair, and then I need to get on the train and return to SoCal.

I can't wait to laugh with you, to talk about life with you, to give you a hug and remind you how important you are to me.

I'm counting the days...

I know this year will be hard...

I'm ready.

I feel like all i'm doing is waiting.

i need to stop.

reflect.

I feel like i forgot.

i need to study.

remember.

I want to stop thinking about material things and start thinking more about the people who are important to me.

Costa Rica

She tells me as we sit in the sushi restaurant that she's terrified to go back to cali. 'Changing lives" she chants randomly. I repeat, "changing lives." But I don't really mean it, becuase i've never wanted to be in cali more then I do right now.

Flash to July:

Now I'm terrified to go back to cali. And it's just this feeling that has set up shop in the pit of my stomache. What will it be like to see the people who I love but who have had experiences without me that have changed them for life. Will we sit at the lunch table together in uncomfortable conversation trying to make it work.? Can I stay sane with his continual presence? Will I actually break through all my shit this year? What the hell will i do after soka?

My whole summer has been focused on saving money...check with me and if I don't have $1400 in August you can all use me for a while as your personal punching bag. No more washing my underwear in the sink.

Andy, I'm really proud of you...for letting go.

I even made a list of the pros and cons for going to or not going to SF, and the cons won. So I'll see you all in a few weeks and please enjoy your trip!

I'm really confused. I'm more confused right now than i've been in years. Soon I have to be this adult, and I keep thinking about all of the realities of that. I will have to somehow pay for grad school. i'll need a place to live. i'll need a job that pays more then 7.10 and hour. I'll need friends and love and acceptance in a city that's never really given me those things, and I'm staring to freak out.

I feel really nervous. I look around at the adults in my life and can't help but shudder. My dad is still struggling to make a living with no possible means of retiering. My mom is 56 and happy on the good days. My stepdad struggles daily to fight years of built up bad habbits. My co-worker Patty is in her 50's and hated her three week vacation because she had nothing to do, no friends to visit and her days were empty and boring. I'm so scared that my life won't go as planned. That, before I know it, I'll be 57, not have accomplished my goals, and have only a yellow tabby cat to comfort me...

My mom can tear my sister and i down in just one sentance. And she's careless with her power.