In response to Cassie's most recent blog: Gail told me the same thing and I spent 15 hours trying to make it better. Capstone is not who we are, it doesn't define us...you just tell Dr. W to screw him and his mamma and everyone 100 years down the family tree...you get my drift...

In response to Andy's most recent blog: Man you got it bad. You sound like me a couple of months back when I wrote the little ditty:

Why do his eyes have to be blue, flashing across the room like an invitation that was mailed on accident.

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To Stand on her step with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers be good to your daughters...

I apologize to every boy I've abused, made fun of, injured, and damaged due to my insecurities. I apologize to myself for not letting myself experience new things because of my fear. I apologize to myself for failing to love and in doing so failing to live.

Today I have felt nothing but hope. I think I'm going be ok. I think I'm beginning to heal.

She deserves a crown, but where is it now...


I can feel a panic attack coming...I've never had one before, I wonder what it's like. I may soon know, if I don't figure out how to get my shit together and work a little harder on everything I need to do before the semester ends.

Oh boy...yep I can feel the panic. It's building up there in the dark place in my stomach where I harbor all my fears and disappointments...

And that's it...

Happy 22nd B-day Uyen!!!!!!!!

I wish I could make it go across the page like you do, but I don't have the same mad skills. You're just going to have to pretend it's going across the page. Oh, look at it go...oh, there it goes again!!

I want to sleep and have dreams of love reciprocated.
I want to sleep and wake up feeling like I did at ten, refreshed, ready for anything that might come my way, and eager to explore.
I want to sleep and converse with the mist outside my window frame. Is there more to life than academics? and what's that feeling I get when the sun glints off of the leaves and everything smells fresh like birth.
I want to sleep and rediscover the passion I used to have for living before everything got too hard, relationships became more complicated, and love turned it's head from me, shunning me, denying me...

My dad is changing his life. In the last three weeks, I've heard him (on the telephone) go from defeated old man, to a man excited about living, appreciating his family, saving money, paying old debts, and becoming really confident and happy for the first time since I've known him. That's the best birthday present I could have ever asked for. Second to that, is ann's mixed CD, which made me cry (again) and is one I will listen to until and beyond the age of 45...Life is lovely.

Twenty Something

I’m twenty something
Waiting for the stains of adolescence to fade
Turning out ambiguous tarot card readings
Impermanent
Divine
Asking questions to clear away the sticky cobwebs of immaturity
When will my search for truth end?
How can you help me change my sad situation?
What is love?
I’m a virgin with impure thoughts
An intellectual child
A goddess
An enigma
An opaque phantom, silencing my screams

As he stood in line and shared his heart with the very boy who won't share his with me I looked at the pickles and held in my tears. Many meaningful moments don't lead up to a meaningful whole. He's the only boy I've wanted to change, even though I know that it never works. I can't help wanting to save him from himself and his facade of care. I'm arrogant and I know it. But with him it's coming from a genuine place. I want him to need me, because nobody ever has. But, you thought I was over him. I am, it's just when I'm about to have my moon that I get overly sensitive and he gets to me again.

I knew life wasn't going to be perfect, but I didn't think it would be this hard...

I can't eat. I can't sleep anymore; waiting for love to walk through the door.

My greatest fears:

I'll die a virgin
I'm not cut out to do an independent project like capstone
I'm not no nice girl
I'll live with my parents until I'm 30
I won't get a job after SUA
I'll let my friendships dissolve after SUA
I'll make it to 50, look back on my life, and feel disappointment...

It's funny how you can look in the face of a person you've known for three and a half years and wonder who they are, and how come you don't know anything about them anymore, and doubt whether your bond was ever real.

I'm emotional. I am trying to hold on to you.

My Goals for this semester:

Chill out to avoid developing the twitch in my eye again

Enjoy doing my capstone. It's about elementary school students. It's not a scary topic and I love learning about teaching and kids

Take care of myself when I'm sad or sick

Take care of my friends when they're sad or sick

Be more responsible with my money

"Give some to get some" wink, wink

The semesters almost over. I feel sad. Only five more months at SUA and at the end a big question mark awaits. What will I do post SUA? What will I do with the rest of my life?

So maybe now I'm free...but it hurts when I remember there's no one left to dream about.

So maybe now I'm angry...but I'd rather have had a fairy tale ending.

So maybe now my heart is healing...but the healing is almost as painful as was the wound.

So maybe I finally got my answer...but it wasn't the one I wanted to hear.

Closure...hurts.

Advice from W: Read the Gosho every day. Study with the young women's division. Know that you are worthwhile. Have confidence in yourself. Stop, I can feel the Pisces emotion, I can feel that you are frustrated. "Love me" is very pure, very gentle. Get support, take action...

Love is blinding. When I chant about it, it's like a big black karmic hole.

Damn him for not loving you. You are beautiful. You are too wonderful to be chasing after someone who can't see that.

Thank you W for being the one to say what I needed to hear.

He's hurt me and he doesn't even know how many times. I'm keeping tabs, even though I'm aware I shouldn't.

My friendships feel so blurry and confused. Thinking about the future has turned us all into a bunch of narcissists.

I'm trying to hold on to the innocence I see in our freshman year pictures.

Please know that what I say in these lines, is only my attempt to make sense of my confusion.

Eminem called bush a weapon of mass destruction. I couldn't agree more, and right now he and his cronies are destroying my hope. Or maybe I'm letting them, because I'm struggling to find a good reason to fight back.

'cause I know some so poor that's when they shower

If Fabiana hadn't come knocking on my door and given me the hug I so desperately needed, I might have laid on my bed and cried all night for the many more people who will most likely be disenfranchised, ignored, and even killed by the Bush administration.

What makes me the most sad, is that people chose, ignorance, intolerance, hatred, bigotry, religious doctrine, and war over, everything that could be the opposite of that.

There is this growing blackness in my bones, my skin, my heart, that I'm trying to fight desperately. If I let the victory of the republican's defeat me...I might just slip into a four year depression, because it's easier than watching my country be further destroyed and compromised by one idiot and all his friends in the white house who happens to be allowed to do whatever he pleases, so, I can't fall into a slump, I can't give up, because then they can say: "see you peaceful people are losers"...and by the way if I'm not making any sense, it's because I'm so livid I can't think straight.

In four years I'll be 25 and at the polls hoping my vote means something (anything) once again.

The moment I saw Orlando Bloom, was the moment in which I realized he's only a human. Ok, so that seems like a "duh!" kind of statement, but it's true. As much as I admired his skin and his beauty in the five minutes I spent gazing at him, I, at the same time, felt a little twinge of guilt in the pit of my stomach. We pay him to pretend to be something he's not, and then we stand around in groups of giggley tens and suck all of his "famous" energy into ourselves, in order to what? Bask in his glory, touch his blessed hand, imagine what it might be like to be famous? I don't get it...and I don't think he does either. He seemed sort of uncomfortable and wouldn't you be too if there were fifty girls on the 2nd floor of founders hall staring at you like they just might cook you up and eat you for dinner? He just signs what's put in front of him, probably choking back the feeling that he's being used for his body.

Life is whatever you decide it is in the moment. Lately I've been deciding to live a relatively positive life...It's really amazing how someone who's feeling really terrible, can just suck the life right out of you...I don't want to suck the life out of people...I used to do it all the time...Maybe I still do...if I do, let me apologize. I'm not going to be happy all of the time, but I'd like to be positive rather than angry and sad the majority of the time.

Ciara is getting me through my mornings with a smile on my face...My dad is actively changing his Karma, I'm managing to stay on task and still have a life, my friends are beautiful and I've been chanting, for all those ladies who are single, that fabulous boys will come along and recognize their beauty and sweep them up in sultry love affairs. Life will never be like a Nora Roberts book, but we can pretend, can't we?

It's such a nice thing to go into an elementary school classroom and know, without a doubt, that I want to be a teacher.

I think maybe he needs me but doesn't know it yet. When we talked on the phone yesterday, it was him reluctant to hang up. That's a change...

Maybe this will be my hardest day yet. But perhaps the most rewarding.

Truth hurts...


I like Usher...I can't help myself. Need Vitamin C. We get 22 days for Christmas break this year. I have a feeling those 22 days are going to feel like a little slice of heaven...
Busy, rushing, addicted to motion, when will I be able to stop, breathe in and appreciate the last year here at my home?