The semesters almost over. I feel sad. Only five more months at SUA and at the end a big question mark awaits. What will I do post SUA? What will I do with the rest of my life?

So maybe now I'm free...but it hurts when I remember there's no one left to dream about.

So maybe now I'm angry...but I'd rather have had a fairy tale ending.

So maybe now my heart is healing...but the healing is almost as painful as was the wound.

So maybe I finally got my answer...but it wasn't the one I wanted to hear.

Closure...hurts.

Advice from W: Read the Gosho every day. Study with the young women's division. Know that you are worthwhile. Have confidence in yourself. Stop, I can feel the Pisces emotion, I can feel that you are frustrated. "Love me" is very pure, very gentle. Get support, take action...

Love is blinding. When I chant about it, it's like a big black karmic hole.

Damn him for not loving you. You are beautiful. You are too wonderful to be chasing after someone who can't see that.

Thank you W for being the one to say what I needed to hear.

He's hurt me and he doesn't even know how many times. I'm keeping tabs, even though I'm aware I shouldn't.

My friendships feel so blurry and confused. Thinking about the future has turned us all into a bunch of narcissists.

I'm trying to hold on to the innocence I see in our freshman year pictures.

Please know that what I say in these lines, is only my attempt to make sense of my confusion.

Eminem called bush a weapon of mass destruction. I couldn't agree more, and right now he and his cronies are destroying my hope. Or maybe I'm letting them, because I'm struggling to find a good reason to fight back.

'cause I know some so poor that's when they shower

If Fabiana hadn't come knocking on my door and given me the hug I so desperately needed, I might have laid on my bed and cried all night for the many more people who will most likely be disenfranchised, ignored, and even killed by the Bush administration.

What makes me the most sad, is that people chose, ignorance, intolerance, hatred, bigotry, religious doctrine, and war over, everything that could be the opposite of that.

There is this growing blackness in my bones, my skin, my heart, that I'm trying to fight desperately. If I let the victory of the republican's defeat me...I might just slip into a four year depression, because it's easier than watching my country be further destroyed and compromised by one idiot and all his friends in the white house who happens to be allowed to do whatever he pleases, so, I can't fall into a slump, I can't give up, because then they can say: "see you peaceful people are losers"...and by the way if I'm not making any sense, it's because I'm so livid I can't think straight.

In four years I'll be 25 and at the polls hoping my vote means something (anything) once again.

The moment I saw Orlando Bloom, was the moment in which I realized he's only a human. Ok, so that seems like a "duh!" kind of statement, but it's true. As much as I admired his skin and his beauty in the five minutes I spent gazing at him, I, at the same time, felt a little twinge of guilt in the pit of my stomach. We pay him to pretend to be something he's not, and then we stand around in groups of giggley tens and suck all of his "famous" energy into ourselves, in order to what? Bask in his glory, touch his blessed hand, imagine what it might be like to be famous? I don't get it...and I don't think he does either. He seemed sort of uncomfortable and wouldn't you be too if there were fifty girls on the 2nd floor of founders hall staring at you like they just might cook you up and eat you for dinner? He just signs what's put in front of him, probably choking back the feeling that he's being used for his body.

Life is whatever you decide it is in the moment. Lately I've been deciding to live a relatively positive life...It's really amazing how someone who's feeling really terrible, can just suck the life right out of you...I don't want to suck the life out of people...I used to do it all the time...Maybe I still do...if I do, let me apologize. I'm not going to be happy all of the time, but I'd like to be positive rather than angry and sad the majority of the time.

Ciara is getting me through my mornings with a smile on my face...My dad is actively changing his Karma, I'm managing to stay on task and still have a life, my friends are beautiful and I've been chanting, for all those ladies who are single, that fabulous boys will come along and recognize their beauty and sweep them up in sultry love affairs. Life will never be like a Nora Roberts book, but we can pretend, can't we?

It's such a nice thing to go into an elementary school classroom and know, without a doubt, that I want to be a teacher.

I think maybe he needs me but doesn't know it yet. When we talked on the phone yesterday, it was him reluctant to hang up. That's a change...

Maybe this will be my hardest day yet. But perhaps the most rewarding.

Truth hurts...


I like Usher...I can't help myself. Need Vitamin C. We get 22 days for Christmas break this year. I have a feeling those 22 days are going to feel like a little slice of heaven...
Busy, rushing, addicted to motion, when will I be able to stop, breathe in and appreciate the last year here at my home?

Lack of a romantic relationship is my stressor, discomfort and depression are the outcomes of that stress, mental and physical harm are what I have to look forward to.

Goodie, I'm an anxious/ambivalent psycho. All signs are pointing to my self destruction. Help me.

The biggest problem is I love him so much I can't think logically...It's not even logical to say that because what is there to love but a dream and a fantasy I've created in my head.

If I could say one thing to you, I would tell you "I love you and want to be with you more than anything I've wanted in a long time." That's it. Short and sweet. True.

Vegas was like being on a sugar high. Pumped, ready to go, lost in the lights, but as the sugar high dissolved into a crash it felt like the slot machines were sucking the life right out of me, and if I had stayed, I would have given in, become a lush, and given my money uncontrollably over to the mouths of the money eaters that can't possibly still be hungry.

I wish I could take the blue and shove it into my heart and hold it there and remember the way it makes me feel forever, like cosmic oceans, like infinity, like searching for ladybugs in a field of grass. It's like at that moment I forget who I am. I become a whisper, and I have to avert my eyes just to remember me. It's like being stoned from laughing so hard or momentary disorientation...He's dangerous...He's my only fix.

If I don't ignore him, I'll have to love him. Why does he repulse and draw me in at the same instant, at all times except for when I'm spending time with him, laughing with him and then, all I can do is whish we were together.

Caisy seems to think that there is some reason why I'm drawn to him that I have to discover in order to get over it...Or move on, or come to some kind of conclusion...But how do you find out the source of a desire, except that one morning you woke up and it was there, and there it's stayed in the black pit of your stomach for the last two years. This is illogical, this unrelenting need to make him like me back...and it's destructive, and it's an addiction, and I can't stop.

Why do his eyes have to be blue, flashing across the room like an invitation that was mailed on accident. Ok, so, I'm not invited to your party. I know that with my brain, but my heart is still reaching out, still trying to grab yours and make you see me.

Maybe in his madness he's reaching for the divine. Maybe I'm failing in the intimacy vs. Isolation step of Erikson's theory...maybe I'll never "find myself yet lose myself" in another person...maybe this is all a dream and when I wake up I'll be lying in bed next to my soul mate and I'll wake him up and force him to listen to my crazy dream of unrequited love, insecurity and profound distrust of men.

Saturday the 11th: Michael deserves some sort of award in the "bringing our class together" department. We sat in proud circles, crying, laughing and talking about cookies in equal measure and it was the first time in two years I felt good about being at SUA.

How come every event turns into an SGI meeting.

Sunday the 12th: We went to the beach and watched the sun slowly move across the sky toward the dip below the canyon that would end our last day of "freedom." I like how the sun makes me dazed and childlike and how the ocean always holds out it's arms to me.

Monday the 13th: Who schedules an SBS course that is highly recommended at the same time as another SBS course? You can stop screwing me now. I've had enough.

The spirit Rally was blood pounding in ears, screams raising and falling, sweat, and love for my class which is really my family.

Tuesday the 14th: An hour and a half of Lit and I was moved.

Information swirling, everyone telling you their way is right, and how do you raise up your arms, scream "son of a bitch" and break free, when everyone's opinion feels like a constraint.

Wednesday the 15th: Tourists are sweet. They see the beauty in things we can't and the value in things we've forgotten.

No more eating before nap time. I always wind up dreaming about the strangest, mixed up things.

Blehh, blehh...If I wrote how I feel, It'd be a bunch of angry words outlining my inability to change, and grow as human being. I don't want to bore you with the usual.

My uncle seems to think I need a therapist. Get my head straight, get my head right. I tend to agree. I need a life makeover. I need to check my arrogance. Dead. Tracks. At the door. It's interesting how I think that everything and everyone is against me, but really I'm against everything. I don't know how to let myself trust and that's the end all be all to all my problems. I can't trust boys, I can't trust my dad, I can't trust the SGI, and the real problem is that I can't trust myself. So how do you let go? How do you stop comparing yourself to others? It's so much easier to feel sorry for yourself, to stroke your own ego, to put others down. When I look deep into my life, I don't see a pure green like life, like the trees, like grass, like the leaves of flowers. Instead, I see grey, like stone, like death, like the cracked sidewalk near my house. I need to start excepting responsibility for the changes I want to make. No one is going to change to make me feel better. I have to do that for myself. I have to paint my own life green like the leaves of flowers, blue like the oceans ebbing and flowing.

I'm a professional daydreamer. If I had to do it for a living I'd make a lot of money. In my head, I swim in perfect oceans. Hold hands with boys who normally ignore me. Dance salsa. Beat the crap out of those who piss me off. Smoke cigars in Cuba. Listen to the waves as the sun sets. Write books. Own a cabin in Main. Swim with dolphins. Spend thousands on a new wardrobe...But then a friend, or a loud noise, brings me back to reality and there is always a short period of mourning for that I don't have. Shame on me.

Expect your life to be magic.

Good times at medieval times.

It's true, everything can change in three weeks or a day even.

I remember when I was small, and I used to wake up in the morning refreshed, smiling, ready to uncover all the day had to offer me. I t was so real. It felt like everything was more colorful and more important.

I've been very confused for the last ten years. Everything has been a bit gray around the edges. I look forward to sleep instead of just appreciating it. I should look forward to waking, I should remember hope...I'm gonna start living like that.

Watch me shine.

I don't know who or what I'm hating right now. Probably myself. I feel sick with worry. I'm mourning the death of my relationships. Can I really revive them? Can I really work this out? It's about time I cried. The tears are there just on the outside of reality. Soon. I feel more lonely then I have in years. No one to connect with every night. I haven't talked seriously about my feelings for this year to anyone, and who is there, are you out there? It's not about "I" it's about what we can do together. But doesn't it seem easier to go into yourself and hide, hide, hide...

There are so many things in this world I don't understand. There will never be an end to my education. Life, I'm sure, will continue to supply lessons, whether I want them or not.

I don't know much about math, or what it means to live life to the fullest. I still have so much to learn about appreciation and doing things for others happiness. Most of the time I don't know when to keep my mouth shut, and the Spanish I once knew is slowly slipping into oblivion.

I can't understand the stage of life many of my friends have entered into, one where they know who they want to marry and have someone so important in there lives they never want to let go. I don't know about my own heart, I don't know how to love someone deeply, I don't know how to let go of my fears, and I don't know how to stop making the same mistakes over and over.

I do know, however, that if my life continues in the direction of depression, I will be lost. I do know that if I can't wade through the crap in my life to clear water, Things inside of me will shrivel and die and my soul will become malnourished. I do know I want to change and the more years it takes to change, the longer I wait to change, the harder and more impossible it's going to be.

Walk this journey with me and don't hold me back.

It's quiet. I miss my sister. I want to make my capstone excellent. He haunts me. My insecurity level has gone down to a 5. Many days, many hours to make my last year worth it. I'm not going to cower. I'm the most passionate about people who've been forgotten. I'll remember you.

So I'm awake and suffering. My dad and Alonzo were the ones who checked my bags in at the train station, but they had to take some stuff out of my big black bag (too heavy) and place it in my sisters bag. Now I have no toiletries, no deodorant for the second day in a row, no toothpaste, and no comb. I decided to wait for my family to come before I leave my room, so here I am all cooped up, smelling like horse poo. I hate the first week of school.

It was surreal driving up to campus last night, the buildings swaying before me like I never got off the train. Everything was moving in slow motion because I was so tired and I felt like I should get up and run back home. I don't know how I feel right now. It's a mix of excitement at seeing my friends, fear of losing my way, and anxiety that I won't accomplish all I need to accomplish before I graduate.

If you're reading out there and you feel the same way say, amen!

Today's my last day of work...Don't know if i'll ever go back , except to visit, and the thought hurts my heart.

Need to finish last minute shopping, going to have fun at my dad's BBQ, need to tame my nappy hair, and then I need to get on the train and return to SoCal.

I can't wait to laugh with you, to talk about life with you, to give you a hug and remind you how important you are to me.

I'm counting the days...

I know this year will be hard...

I'm ready.

I feel like all i'm doing is waiting.

i need to stop.

reflect.

I feel like i forgot.

i need to study.

remember.

I want to stop thinking about material things and start thinking more about the people who are important to me.

Costa Rica

She tells me as we sit in the sushi restaurant that she's terrified to go back to cali. 'Changing lives" she chants randomly. I repeat, "changing lives." But I don't really mean it, becuase i've never wanted to be in cali more then I do right now.

Flash to July:

Now I'm terrified to go back to cali. And it's just this feeling that has set up shop in the pit of my stomache. What will it be like to see the people who I love but who have had experiences without me that have changed them for life. Will we sit at the lunch table together in uncomfortable conversation trying to make it work.? Can I stay sane with his continual presence? Will I actually break through all my shit this year? What the hell will i do after soka?

My whole summer has been focused on saving money...check with me and if I don't have $1400 in August you can all use me for a while as your personal punching bag. No more washing my underwear in the sink.

Andy, I'm really proud of you...for letting go.

I even made a list of the pros and cons for going to or not going to SF, and the cons won. So I'll see you all in a few weeks and please enjoy your trip!

I'm really confused. I'm more confused right now than i've been in years. Soon I have to be this adult, and I keep thinking about all of the realities of that. I will have to somehow pay for grad school. i'll need a place to live. i'll need a job that pays more then 7.10 and hour. I'll need friends and love and acceptance in a city that's never really given me those things, and I'm staring to freak out.

I feel really nervous. I look around at the adults in my life and can't help but shudder. My dad is still struggling to make a living with no possible means of retiering. My mom is 56 and happy on the good days. My stepdad struggles daily to fight years of built up bad habbits. My co-worker Patty is in her 50's and hated her three week vacation because she had nothing to do, no friends to visit and her days were empty and boring. I'm so scared that my life won't go as planned. That, before I know it, I'll be 57, not have accomplished my goals, and have only a yellow tabby cat to comfort me...

My mom can tear my sister and i down in just one sentance. And she's careless with her power.

He didn't forget me! He didn't forget me!

I went and saw this crazy movie at the Bagdad theater today about quantum physics and it was amazing. The whole thing was filmed in portland and i was like, wow, that's hawthorne, that's the max, that's my skyline!

Lessons learned: We all have addictions to emotions, because emotions are really just chemical reactions, and eventually if we have a certian emotion enough times, even if it's hate, we can become addicted to the chemicals that are simultaneouly released when we feel it.

There are objects that can be seen by the human eye that are in two places at the same time.

We never really touch anything.

We have the power to rewire our brains.

Physics is all about how nothing is impossible.

My friend Christina and I talk about babies a lot, because we work with them every day and they are such a part of our reality, and we always talk about how when we have our own kids, this.... or when we get married, that... and i can't help but notice all of the people around me getting engaged. To be honest it makes me feel really, really behind. Like i'm in the slow readers group in first grade or something.

I'm twenty one going on fifty and I can feel it in my gut.

I'm twelve slipping back to ten and I have no control.

I finally got around to going to the Pura Vida yahoo group for all the people who went to Costa Rica, and it was so nice to see posts from everyone. I miss them a lot, but the yahoo group makes me feel like we are still connected. I think when we all graduate we need to make a soka yahoo group, a huge one!

How come the parents at the daycare always ask these really random questions to the air and expect us to answer them when there are five kids crying, one getting a diaper change, and the others eating at the table making a mess.

I already feel burnt out. But i got paid today.

My life feels kind of slow right now. Like everything is going at half time. I get up. Go to work. Pray for my lunch break to come quickly. Watch kids stick thier toes in there mouths. Hold crying children, feed them, change thier diapers, clean thier messes. Laugh a lot 'cause kids are funny. Go home. watch MTV. Laugh at my sister, 'cuase she's funny. Go to sleep. Do it again.

I think Andy's idea about San Fran is great. I'm going to start saving right now. If it happens and we can all get together, lets shake our butts and get really groovy.

I miss speaking spanish. There are quite a few parents at the daycare who speak spanish to thier children and it's so tempting to join in but something stops me and I think it's fear or the feeling that spanish is not a part of my Portland life and forbidden in some way.

The time is ticking by and I'm alive but not really living.

How come life isn't like the love boat. I feel jipped.

I feel like I love you and your killing me.

I started work last week, and it's nice to be back. I missed the kids. I missed checks every other Friday.

My dad made me waffles today and they tasted like childhood. Im getting so old.

When I walk into the malls or the stores I can't concentrate. It's weird. Everything in the US is too bright and all of the stores have so much, I can barley keep my eyes on one thing.

Im here but im not in rythem.

We should have a reunion in Japan. Ok, so everyone save up.

No more MTV!

I feel a bit confused. How come they put me here with all of these great people only to rip me away. Ahhh. And its going to be the same with SOKA. if I can barley leave Costa Rica and not be devastated you all really don't want to see me when we leave SUA. I will be on the floor having a fit, I can assure you that right now. I saw a picture of Cassie, Rumiko, Pilipino and Nathan today on shutter bug and I was literally screaming in the internet cafe. Im sure I looked crazy but hey, I haven't seen these people in ages.

I cried on Friday, I cried on Saturday, I cried on Sunday...what am I going to do without my Costa Rican family.

7 days and counting.

He has the power to call me sweetie and break my heart at the same time.

I have two presentations in my tico classes tommorow and then I can breath easy.

I have two weeks and 4 days to soak it all in.

Im already begining to feel the culture shock.

This Morning I heard the song The Way We Were from one of my favorite corny movies and I thought, How sad that we always look back and think, that was great, but while we were actually living it we were thinking, Im going to die. My determination for the next four weeks is to think right now, this is great and not begrudge all of the things I have to do. Because whether I like it or not, all of the struggles are what make my life rich, and trust me in Costa Rica Ive had lots of time where im just riding the waves, and frankly, I dont like it.

Costa Rica. I wrote a list of all of the things I would miss about Costa Rica on Monday and it came to three solid pages. And still I cant help but smile when I think that in a month and two weeks, I will be home.

You know that feeling where you want to scream just so that people will notice you are suffering. Its that whole misery loves company thing.

I need to get over the fact that I don´t know what the heck is going on.

I think this spring break Im gonna go to the family finca and the rest of the peolple in my program can just shove it right up there party every day playa every weekend butts.

I just have to say that Im so happy to be here in Costa Rica with Keiko. I love our struggles. And we are going to make it.

Ok so that depression only lasted half a day. I think I´m getting stronger.

I am so sick of myself right now I want to sit in this internet chair and scream bloody murder. Who decided that my heart should be pumping in this totally inadequate body, with this totally inadequate mind. My heart hurts right now and I want to cry and run terror through the streets.

I cant believe how much love I have inside. theres no one to recieve it and its like a cow that hasent been milked, its going to kill me.

I know the perfect word to describe me, which is akward. Im a stumbling, bumbling mess...I want to live in my dreams where he loves me. I want to sleep all the time instead of being in this reality. Im alone. Every night of my whole entire life I have gotten into a bed alone, I have dreamt alone, I have loved no one and nothing and everything all at the same time.

And its taking everything I have right now not to break down and say no more please, no more...

Im going to change my boy karma, and im going to do it before I turn 22. Ive been chanting an hour every Monday and Thursday... Im going to be happy, right now, at this very moment...Im going to help my friends in Costa Rica get through all this, cause they have been helping me. Im going to stop wishing I was somewhere else. and the next two months are going to be amazing because I make them that way.

Yesterday my grandma passed away. She was my stepdads mom. And I just remember how precious she was, while she tryied to stay strong for the familly at the reunion this winter. And I remember that she loved me and my sister. And I understand that she was tired and it was her time to go.

Random thoughts in Costa Rica

Time is passing by here so quickly because there is nothing to hold me down. After next week, which starts tommorow, as far as Im concerned, there will only be two more months in Costa Rica and thats including Spring break.

Could I be any more pumped? Could I be any less appreciative of the opportunity I have here?

But I want to learn Spanish and I want to get out and theres nothing more than that.

Yuck! Public displays of affection. They are gross and now I know why poeple dont like them. Ive been witness to far to many in this dirty country that will surely give me lung cancer.

How easily time makes me weep inside, how easily the minutes tick by. How often it seems they tick in months and days.

The chairs here are beyond uncomfortable. Three hours in a classroom with uncomfortable chairs means painful ass every thursday. I dread Thursdays. They bring out my fundamental darkness and every second is a struggle to overpower it
with light.

Please remind me what Im doing here with no sponge and a mild appreciation for language.

Please remind me what Im doing here, away from every single thing important to me...no love, no regrets, no feelings of anger...Just a fear, that seems unrelenting, of the next day and the next challenge.

Just the fear of constant failure and embaressment and not knowing what the hell to do.

Im going to go home and roll in the happiness of clean streets, green leafy salads, diversity, english, baggy pants and love.

Thats what I miss the most. Your love.

Its reallly hard trying to be freinds with peole through the internet. Especially when they are hurting, suffering, unhappy. I want to gather you all in a large room for a group hug. I want to tell you its all gonna be OK...I want to lie to you and make you feel better. I want to tell you the truth and remind you that all things pass and all things are important.

Human life is much like plant life, except for the working with the rest of nature thing. We are all interconnected and everything we do effects another human being.

Please be true to your heart. Please make difficulty decisions if they will help you and the people around you. Please dont ever let go. Because i need you and so many others do too.

Please eat good food and enjoy the sun, or the rain, or the snow...

Top Ten things I will remember about/Realized in Monte Verde Orientation

1. I fell in Love with another boy who will never love me back

2. I love sheets. I didn´t have them for two weeks and sleeping in a bed without sheets and dirty covers is less then comfortable

3. Costa Rica is not paradise

4. Every family is messed up and all men cheat

5. The bus almost drove of of a cliff and I thought -well, at least, when I die, I´ll be looking at a rainbow and the perfect picture of green

6. I am such a prude

7. In the US we don´t even understand the concept of bugs. Try little bugs on the floor and in the cracks. Big ones crawling in your shoes, gross ones waiting in your shower. Find thousands in your hotel bathroom drawn to the solatery light above your sink...

8. I´m a stickler for guys who are soft around the edges

9. The hot Tico guys ¨accidently¨ touching my ass

10. I know enough Spanish to get by...I know enough Spanish to want more...I know enough Spanish to feel it in my veins and crave it and hope that it will come.

Im in Cosat Rica. Its crazy.

i have so much to say, but only five minutes to say it.

Its been, scary, exciting, horrible, fun, boring, all of that all in one.

but most notably Costa Rica is beyond beautiful. i never realized places like costa rica exist, but im so happy they do.

Ok, so after reading everyone’s Blogs, I have come to the realization that I am a complete slacker. Haven’t written anything in like 3 weeks or something crazy like that...but seriously, it's been very hectic around here. Christmas, snow, trying to see all of my friends, been to the mall like fifty times trying to buy everything for study abroad, and packing, I haven't gone to bed until 2am every morning.

The scary day is tomorrow. The day I get on a plane and fly to Costa Rica and give up my very regular, no thrills, life here in the US. Am I ready? No of course not, and you know me, I’m totally doing the ellie freak out thing too. So this last two weeks has been stressful, but fun and I've come to appreciate my little sister even more, if that's possible. She really is my best friend in Portland.

Cassie, I got the scarf. Thank you so much, it was a wonderful surprise.

Andy, Weird dream...so did you write that letter to sensei?

Uyen, good job writing Spanish!

I miss everyone sooooooooooooo much. I keep thinking that I’m gonna get of the plane in Costa Rica, and all of the people from Soka are gonna be standing there waiting for me. But no. It will be strangers and I’m gonna have to make friends again, which I might add has been incredibly difficult for me to do in the past, so wish me luck.

I'll try and keep writing on this thing and I’ll try not to write in code, but I’m not promising much.