I found another grey hair today. Well, it's more silver than grey, but that makes it no less disturbing for me. My sister was with me when I discovered it, and said to me, "well Ellie, what do you expect. You ARE almost thirty." Thanks Stephanie, that was very reassuring.

I've noticed that I have less and less to write.  But, it's because more and more of what I want to say is spoken, out loud, to the people who I want to hear it.

I don't want to turn 26.  Something about that age makes me want to throw up, because, OH MY GOD, I'm almost 30...

I'm back at FNCC.  This is my third trip.  And it's apparent that something is missing...but I'm glad its gone...my angst.  The first two times I made this trip to Florida, I was a hot mess.  It might be that I'm still a hot mess, but I don't feel nervous about it. I don't feel anxious.  I just feel appreciation that I'm here and learning.  Maybe adulthood isn't so bad.  If it means learning to live in the moment, than I'm all in; 100%.

My whole body is dry and crackly. It's amazing what a 30 degree drop in temperature can do to your skin. It's weird, when I look at myself in pictures, I look healthy, but my body aches like I'm some 70 year old woman...I think I've reached the age where neglecting exercise will have very negative effects...What to do?

Apparently the electric company is closed. That means I will have no electricity at my new apartment. Yay!

Here is the poem I wrote for one of my lessons before I found out that my grandpa has (maybe) two days to live, and a friend I used to work with has died of liver cancer at the age of 25:

Furious

The dark clouds came down.
A warning to us that nature was furious.
The thunder stomped.
The rain pounded.
And my twisted umbrella flew away.

I think, when you grow up, the words melt into the "normalness" of the day...

***That's all I can manage for tonight***

The Story of Dos Gringos

Last night Jason's truck was towed away. Along with every other car that was in the lot we parked in. The tow truck guy and the police were working together last night to make a hella lot of money off drunk twenty somethings, and it worked.

I was pissed. I didn't talk to Jason for half an hour while we walked to the tow truck place hoping it would be less than ten dollars to spring his truck. On our way we ran into his friend Moe who was hanging out with some girls he had just met. They were both from Cali, and when I told one of the girls I went to SUA, she told me her community college professor had worked there and called us a cult.

When we got to the tow truck place, the guy behind the barbed wire told us he would happily give us Jason's truck if we coughed up $140.

While Jason walked to the ATM, I stayed behind and kicked it with the these big ass Chollos who kept threatening to shoot the guy behind the barbed wire. At this point I just started laughing, especially since one of the guys peed on the fence and then they made the wait for the cars a dance party by bumping the music in the truck they had drove over in super loud.

I was laughing because if I didn't I was gonna cry...

Jason paid, I decided to forgive him for parking in a tow away zone, and we drove home happily ever after at 3 o' clock in the morning.

I'm two weeks into my summer break, and now that my summer academy is over, I can finally start to relax. My brain is tired. My body is tired. Maybe the first order of business should be a 48 hour long nap...:)

16 days! And trust me, I am indefinitely counting. I can't wait for summer break. I can't wait for open toed shoes, and waking up at 5:3oam only when I want to.

I was thinking about a life without summer break, and I've pretty much come to the conclusion that it would be no life at all. I am spoiled and working for twelve months in a row would probably force me to check into the loony bin. Yeah, it's that serious.

I told Jason that I was confused about my future. What I didn't tell him is that I'm confused about my future because he's unclear about his. In my future, I see him with me. But his unclear vision is messing with mine. Reminds me of the song lyric: You touched my heart, You touched my soul, you changed my life and all my goals...

I saw two rainbows today.

And they reminded me of Costa Rica.

Which reminded me of being twenty and feeling like thirty was so far away.

That led me to the thought that I will soon be twenty-five.

Which made me feel like crying.

Because it reminded me that when I went into Davids Bridal the other day, to pick up my brides maids dress, I had the overwhelming desire to have a wedding of my own.

And it reminded me that yesterday, when I saw a commercial for baby diapers, this weird feeling stirred inside of me that I wanted a cute little baby of my own.

Which scared me shitless.

And rainbows aren't supposed to do that.

He introduced me to his friends yesterday, and when he did, he called me his girlfriend, and asked me "so how did we meet," and "how long would you say we've been together?" And there in that dimly lit bar, we made up OUR story...

I have a boyfriend y'all and it's taking me everything I can, not to pinch myself to check if it's all a dream. Not to doubt that this is real...

Everything has changed.  I thought, that maybe, everyone had been waiting here, entombed in wax.  But they were moving forward, backward, fluid.  And everyone is different.  And that's the way it should be.  

It snowed today in Portland.  And I couldn't help myself!  I ran around outside, screaming at the top of my lungs, "It's snowing on Christmas!!  It's snowing on Christmas!"  It was too exciting!

I guess I could give you all of the details about last night. But then that might destroy, in your mind, the halo that has been firmly planted over my head all of these years. Let's just say my pure white snow has been tainted...just a little bit.

I'm disappointed in me. And that feeling I would get every time he would make a promise he couldn't keep is slowly creeping into the pit of my belly where all of the badness from the past I rarely talk about resides...and it's only a matter of time before that feeling reaches my heart, turns it black and paralyzes my whole body so that I'm useless.

He wears boxer briefs! End of story...

We played the deep question game, and he asked me what we were. I told him I was confused, because I couldn't read him...He said a lot of nice things to me/about me, and then he told me that he was happy to just "see where it goes."

I went into the conversation wanting clarity, but I left my bed, after cuddling for three hours, more confused than ever. If this isn't a relationship, what is?

A True Story

He got nervous, and wanted to back out. I told him, I'm twenty-four, I can do what I want. So he laid his head on my pillow and we slept apart, not touching, for an hour or two.

Is this what it's gonna be like, I thought. All night, him breathing quietly, so far away. But then, it happened, and he scooted just a little bit closer to me. Close enough so that I could feel his body heat under my covers. And so I took a chance and scooted a little bit closer to him...So he met me all the way until there was no space between us, and another first for Elizabeth Dawson was in the making.

Eventually laying there turned into more, but I shook my head against his, no, and he was respectful enough to stop. So we laid there, together now, and I pretended to sleep, and I willed the morning to come slower than usual, but it didn't...

Firsts

A boy that I like, likes me back.

We held hands.

He asked me if he could stay the night.

He came back when I said no.

We cuddled on my four foot couch and watched family guy.

He kissed me twice.

I trust him.

Fuck! He's intoxicating...My date went too well...And now I'm lost in territory where I've never been before...

I finally asked him on a date...except the "him" ended up being a different boy than I originally thought. It's OK, 'cause the other guy is a horny slut!

Anyway...the new boy said yes...and I'm much less worried, at this moment, then I've ever been, that I will be a forty year old virgin with fifteen cats.

I'm strapped babylove!

Drank a Mai Tai and got a contact high on Friday.

Was scared to death at the haunted house in Avondale and held hands with a new "boy" on Saturday.

Ate macaroni and cheese with lobster and bought new pots and pans on Sunday.

Felt much better about life on Monday.

This has been a hard month. I've been living vicariously through song. Here are some of my favorite lyrics:

Music to my melody. You are where I belong.

I wouldn't mind a dude that could take my attitude and take the time to listen.

Take you into my senses.

I wanna say you're a hell of a woman. You're like a new drop in the summer.

If I'm the music, you're my lyric.

I say I've moved on 'till I'm reminded of you. Can somebody help me, help me get out of this circle.

But if I am a star, she is the sky.

If you love something let it go, and if it comes back then that's how you'll know.

Fear is not the matter. I would so much rather...open up my heart and just let down my guard.

I didn't realize how much of a coward I was until I decided to try and take control of my happiness and I couldn't.

I have so much further to go...

I'm thinking about asking him on a date.

Strap it on babylove!

They run through my dreams, impermanent, laughing at me...

They say, "you will never have me, your fantasies will stay in your mind."

I wake up, sunlight glinting through the white blinds by my bed, groggy and afraid that their words are true:

I will be alone forever.

Some strange things about Arizona...

The water in the toilet bowl is warm and sometimes even hot. I know this because when you stick your butt on the seat you can feel the heat rising. Yuck!

When it rains your car gets very dirty because all of the dust falls on your car with the rain.

The taxes are rediculous, but the gas and houses are cheap.

All of the service people here are very honest about thier companies shortcomings.

Everyone drives like a maniac. I thought Cali was bad.

By the way...

I'm doing very well here. I've gotten used to the heat, I have an amazing staff at the school that I work at, I am never lonely because my cat and my kind neighbors take good care of me, and sleeping in a queen size bed is soooooo much better than sleeping on a twin!

On the bad side, my mom called me tonight and started crying 'cause she misses me. Oye!

Near death experiences on the freeway give you post traumatic stress disorder. Let's hope there will come a day, after this drive to Arizona, that a car passes me at 85 miles an hour and I don't flinch (or scream)!

To Uyen, Ann, and Sammi, who's current and future adventures are as life changing as mine right now, thanks for making me feel not so alone. Packing for a new life, you really can't even imagine, is difficult; and sleeping without thinking of everything that could go wrong before your eyes close is almost impossible...but then there's that feeling like, this is my new beginning...good luck girls, I'll certainly support you from afar, the best I can.

I hoped, when I woke up from my nap yesterday, that he would still be alive. That nineteen year old Julius Dawson was playing a very good, but totally "not-funny" joke on all of us. But when I woke up, nothing had changed. My heart was still breaking for him...he was still gone.

I'm feeling very inspired by the SGI national leaders and the new changes happening in the SGI these days. It's no accident that the "new departure" of the SGI is happening at the same time as my new departure to Arizona. I am praying that my move to Arizona will set me on the path of living to my fullest potential on a daily basis...and will be a catalyst for me to uncover some of my lost dreams.

"will you come back to me? Will you come back to me? Heaven only knows..."

I finally rode my bike to work! It hurt. I'm so out of shape that my thighs started burning after peddling for just one block. So sad...that's what happens when the only exercise you get for a year is walking up and down the house steps.

I also started writing in my journal again...I was like, oh yeah! I do have emotions...I swear, for the last ten months I've been in survival mode, which means, for me, that I tried to think and feel as little as possible...

For graduation gifts, I received a tea pot, a set of silver wear, and a measuring cup and spoon set. Opening up these gifts was both exhilarating and terrifying, because they are symbols of my impending independence. I've been an adult for a long time now, but I've been dependent on my parents since I was born. Are these mini panic attacks I've been experiencing, right before I drift to sleep, normal?

Next week:

Last class: Mon

Send in Teaching License paper work: Tue

Leave for Japan: Wed

Arrive in Japan: Thur

Mom picks up my cap and gown while I'm in Japan: Fri

Alumni meeting: Sat

Leave Japan: Sun

Arrive in the U.S. and graduate at 2:30pm: Sun

What was I thinking!

I went to the Oregon teachers job fair this week and had five interviews! I was offered a job in Arizona in one of the school districts in Phoenix. I'm very confused about whether I should move, or keep hitting the pavement here in p-town. Phoenix equals complete independence. Am I ready for that?

OK...so I don't mind being hit on by a sixty year old man...it gives my confidence a bit of a boost...but when that's the only guy who's hit on you in like three or four months, its worrisome.

I've definitely let myself go!

I'm on vacation, but I can't help but listen to the little voice in my head that says, don't relax...you've got to graduate in a month, and you're not gonna do it if you sit down and watch movies and eat chocolate for the next seven days...

Life has taken a turn for the better in the last two weeks. Things are going well enough at school, my family and I celebrated my 24th birthday on the 2nd at the cheesecake factory. We were the loudest family there and the waitress said she loved us. My house is finally clean for the first time in three months and Elsa and I are talking again...oh, you didn't know, well we didn't talk for six months or so because she was mad at me...but we worked it out yesterday and I'm very happy we did.

Today was probably one of the worse days of my life...I do not say that lightly, and it's not funny. Today was filled with screaming children and my supervisor watching it all in the back of the room. Oh my. All I can think about right now are all of the professions I should have chosen to pursue. Like waiter, or McDonald's hamburger maker. I could have done those jobs well. I have a feeling this throbbing in my head is not going away anytime soon...

So January Started off with a headcold and February started with a big bang of Norovirus: AKA diarrhea for four days straight. Am I going to survive 2007? That is the question.

Andy and Sammi, I hope your new blog titles give you pleasure.

And to Ryochan: You read my blog!!?? I had no idea.

To Uyen: School is slowly killing me...well my kindergartners germs are anyway, but I'm gonna make it. And when I do, I'll be immune to every illness known to little, five-year- old man!

I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
-Yeats

2007 has begun in ernest. I've been sick with a head cold for four days. I'm suffering massive anxiety about teaching kindergartners, and I've watched way too much television. Hmmm...imagine that. Well, all I can do is continue to chant, and have confidence that 2007 will get better.

So, I gave in today and actually decorated my myspace page. In doing so, I found some of you fools on myspace and I asked you to be my friend. So, you know, hook a sister up and accept me some time soon. I also visited my Hi5 account today and I had two messages from random guys who, "just wanted to chat." Well they were a little too buff and fake tanned for me, so I deleted them. Sorry boys!

Ode to my wisdom teeth that I had removed last Thursday

O' Wisdom teeth, wisdom teeth two were under ground. O' wisdom teeth, wisdom teeth the other two were out and hanging around. I used to pick food out of the holes those two made. But the other day my dentist got paid. He took out my wisdom teeth and threw them away and now I'm in pain every day. Its amazing how the removal of four teeth can knock one down for more than a week. But I'm trying to stay strong and not let the pressure take me down, 'cause dude, it's the holidays and with that you don't mess around.

By the way, I have a 4.0 over all G.P.A. Who knew...?

I thought I was free from Capstone forever! But here I am a year and a half later typing up another one! What the hell is going on...I don't even have Sammi and Pili to procrastinate with. It's just me, in my chair, bored, lonely, and wishing it was graduation day.

I need a chug!

P.S. My last day with my fourth graders was Wednesday. I'm gonna miss them...

Japan















Our first day in Japan, I was delirious. All I can tell you is that we ate good food, hung out with SJ, Yumi and Noako, and then I crashed (hard) on the floor of our hotel. Yeah, we snuck four people in one room...but we wouldn't be us if we had done it the "proper" way!



















The giant cone!! In Tokyo, we shopped. We went to a Kabuki show which Jess hated, we went bra shopping, we rode train after train...




















Yes, we went to Denny's in Japan...but isn't this picture cute!!















I got naked. What more can I say.















In Nikko, I should have eaten floating spaghetti, but I had ramen instead!















Ann's house!




















Jess says she doesn't look like herself in this picture, but she does look mighty adorable in her green school shoes. Bye the bye, this is at soka high school which was an adventure to find. While at the high school Ann pulled the first class card and we were able to give ourselves a tour of the school. I had fun saying hello to everyone.

When we left Soka high, we went to a spaghetti shop and I had the best spaghetti ever in the whole world!!

At headquarters I dropped off gifts and we had a guidance session with Mr. Asano. He looked at Jess the whole time. He knew she was a heathen...After our guidance session we went shopping. I bought the cutest gosho cover ever! It's too small for my American gosho, but Leaves of Grass fits perfectly.

The same night I made my first drunk and dial call to Allison. I'm sure she'll give you details, if you ask nicely.















After Ann's, jess and I took a six hour train ride to Aomori. At her friend Brian's I made BEAUTIFUL takoyaki (is that how you spell it) and almost choked to death on a piece of fat that slid down my throat. Yeah, I think I definitely impressed Brian when I regurgitated my food.




















Alli's house! It was freezing, but super cute inside.















This tree IS being molested. Jessica was practicing being sensual, and I think she was quite successful in this pic, what do you think?

During our stay with Allison we were hit on by dumb Americans at the lake, we ate conveyor belt sushi, I had Mos burger for the first time, and we went to THREE hundred yen stores.












Allison took us to the coolest park ever. The slides were crazy. One of them was a 90 degree drop! The others were roller slides. I think I still have bruises on my tushie.

The trip was a lot of fun. In particular it was so nice to see my SOKA sisters!! Fight with them, hang out with them, talk about randomness with them! I miss you ladies.

Back to reality...I've been sleepy for four days straight. Hopefully this jetlag thing will go away soon. I've actually blacked out a couple of times...is that normal...

On Monday September 25, 2006, I taught my first math lesson. It was somewhat terrifying. Math, I thought, they want ME to teach math. Math makes me cry... But I did it...and then I did it again the next day, and the next, and the next for the whole week. A good teacher checks for students understanding regularly and often and all of my checks have shown that my students ARE learning! Pat on the back.

Teaching is hard. All of those minds are in my hands. All of those eyes are looking at me. All of those children are EXPECTING me to help them come to new understandings about the world...Intimidating?? Hell yes! But every day it gets a little easier. On Thursday, I taught a little girl how to tell the time, on Friday I spoke Spanish to a little boy who barely understands English and his face lit up when he was finally able to understand the instructions given to him, and complete the task at hand. A little boy wrote on his weekly note that his favorite part of the week had been learning about arrays. His favorite part of the week was when I was teaching...! Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

My husband put out a new album...I bet if you make an educated guess you'll know who I'm talking about. Listening to it improves my mood. My life is crazy. In the next three months I have a work sample and capstone proposal due. My worksample will be approximately 100 pages long and y'all know how stressful writing a capstone proposal can be...but you would be proud of me...I haven't had a freakout fest yet. I've been taking one day at a time and, miraculously, it's working to keep me calm about all I have to do in the next few weeks. I'm good...I'm gonna make it.

Oh Boy! back to school I went...It's amazing how I could physically feel my stress level rising as the day progressed. I say we go back to a life of hunting and gathering where no one needed a text book to tell them how to live and everyone got to run around half naked in the summer (bye bye business casual!)

I had some kind of strange allergic reaction to food yesterday. Who knows which food, 'cause I ate a lot, but I returned from my friend Rick's party feeling like I was going to die. My skin hurt (like when something rubbed against it I wanted to scream) and even my eye balls hurt. It was super strange. But now it's the next day and I'm still in this weird funk. Even lifting my head from the pillow is a chore. What's going on!

My new exercise schedule:
(if you see/talk to me, ask how it's going!)

Sunday morning: pilates
Tuesday afternoon: jogging with my mom
Wednesday evening: Aquaerobics (yes!)
Friday night: My mom and I are signing up for a hip-hop class together...the out of shape 23 year old and the 59 year old...yeah, I'll keep you posted.

I went to Alonzo's family reunion in Massachusetts last weekend and had a blast. My Uncle and aunt live on a huge lake. I went paddle boating and kayaking for the first time, and also went intertubing in the back of my uncle John's boat. It was like a roller coaster, only better!

While I was kayaking, my sister and I passed by the most beautiful house I've ever seen. There was this big Buddha sitting out front and the sun rays were filtering through the trees. You could see the light playing off of the wooden siding of the house and the golden Buddha...Something about that scene was magic...I couldn't stop looking at it. It reminded me that life isn't only about working hard, getting a paycheck, or stressing out, but that life should also be about the quite magic moments we sometimes experience in nature. About the birds taking flight, soaring across a setting sun...Life is beauty.

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be a teacher. What is my personal educational philosophy. Do I believe in reformation of society through education? Well, I went to Soka U, so I think so. That brings me to my ever expanding dream of teaching at/opening a soka elementary school. It used to be someone else's dream...It used to be that I just supported the idea. But now, I'm somehow making "their" dream mine...Needing to discover something greater in education...Wanting to change the world. Lofty, lofty goals.

My practice is steady. School is turning out to be this great adventure. I don't love "the boy" any more because I've discovered that others exist to love. I'm moving forward. I'm breakin' out.

It's hot, and I'm scared!

Grad school is 100% difficult. What was I thinking?? Higher education...who needs it. I think tomorrow I'll become a grad-school-dropout, move to Australia and become a beach bum...

My friend Christina was quite convincing yesterday when she said I should accompany her and her roommate to a drag show at Darcelle's in downtown Portland. I made up every excuse I possibly could not to go, especially when I heard that the show would be followed by a male review (yeah, that's right folks, hot guys, with g-strings, attacking horny women).

Somehow she sucked me into going. I walked out of the house looking a hot mess but determined to have a good time despite my fear that crazy drag queens would make fun of the "prude" twenty three year old in the audience and hot naked guys would dry hump me.

The drag show was great. The queens have this sexy dignity that I aspire to as a woman. The host queen was like eighty years old but still doing his/her thang. And it's pretty fabulous watching a drag queen dance around the stage to Mariah Carey's take me higher...It's like the song is fulfilling its mission somehow.

After the drag show, my friends were like..."Well, we're going to go to the bathroom." The minute they left is the same minute the male review started. I sucked a little harder on my rum and cherry coke and prayed my friends would return to their seats before the dry humping occurred. The first dancer was a blonde business man...I don't think I'll ever see a real business man gyrate against a pole in his skivies and top hat, but it's an entertaining fantasy none the less.

The show was a combination of choreographed acts and g-string clad men working the room. The working the room bit is what scared me the most because it consists of women holding dollar bills in their various orifices and the naked men pressing their "members" up against the women as they kiss, touch, and ultimately get the dollar from them.

Every time one of the guys passed me I tried my best to pretend I was actually invisible, but one stripper just walked right in front of me and started dry humping the air in front of my face. I screamed and he got the point...

Hmm...but then the fireman came out, and let me tell you girls (and Andy) he was a mighty fine piece of meat. By the way, he took his g-string all the way off during his performance, which was strangely OK with me...maybe the rum and coke doing it's job...?

The fireman eventually made his way to our section of the room, and Becky made him work for his dollar. Stina and I were sitting there like, he better not come over here, but of course that's when he noticed us and was like, "I'll be back for the scared one's!" Ahhhhh... I was like, he might have a nice penis on stage, but I would like to avoid having it swinging in front of my face!!

Maybe half an hour later, the fireman finally made his way back over to Stina and I. Christina had had about five drinks at this point so she was feeling good enough to stick the dollar in her mouth...and well you get the point.

I again pretended to be invisible and it was working until someone shoved a dollar bill down my shirt and told him to go get it. Much of what happened next is quite blurry seeing as I wasn't breathing the whole time. But I do remember fireman straddling me...Pulling the dollar out with his hand, rubbing his lips all over my neck and then he kissed me on the cheek. While he was doing all of this I kept smacking his ass...which was really just a nervous tick, but I just kept doing it!! As quick as he had come, he was gone. I gave Christina my "you did this to me look..."

Listen, the moral of the story is, I had a great time!! It was really a lot of fun...and next time you girls and (Andy) are in town we're going to Darcelle's! Plus, if we ever go to Vegas again we HAVE to go to Chip and Dales. Stina told me the men are the cream of the crop and mighty fine...so no objections!

Love y'all

It was such a blast. I love you fools and all your crazy ways.
Andy: I need your address...and an email address too...Do you have hotmail??

When I was a little girl, sunny weather meant bike rides, tennis games, and park visits. As an adult all sense of adventure has some how been sucked out of my life. My bike has cobwebs...I don't even know what happened to my tennis racket... and the park seems mighty far away. But it's such a beautiful day. It's a shame and a sin for me to be sitting inside looking out the window wishing I was a child again.

Where's the energy!

My summer is going to be jam packed.

California in May

Start Grad school in June

Denver SGI festival in June/July

Family reunion in Massachusetts in July

FNCC in August

Every day I look at the calendar and wish it was the next day, so that it would be summer...But that's no way to live...I better start enjoying the moment or I'm going to give myself an ulcer! Or a heart condition. I feel jumpy, I feel bored...

I have six completed scrap books. I looked over all of them today and I was shocked by how much I've had the fortune to do in the last seven or so years. Life is kind of like a reverse onion. You keep adding layer upon layer until your skin is thick; until your experiences start to run into one another creating who you are at this moment.

For all of the amazing people who have come into my life and added another layer (good or bad, positive or negative), I love you.

No more class until June 26th!! Yea!

So, life after night classes is proving to be very good. I mean, this weekend I actually have plans.

Yesterday, I led the discussion at our March 16th meeting and went to my co-workers birthday party. She had a wine tasting party that turned into a card playing party.

Today, my sister and I are going to my dads for breakfast and then shopping (we finally get to spend our b-day money) and then I'm going to the movies with this random guy I met at the bank who went to my high school.

All in all, it's nice not to have to do homework twenty- four- seven!

I'm officially going to the Student division FNCC conference. I'm very excited to go back.

Looking forward to wearing my new cut off Bermuda shorts and shaving my legs.

I'm also officially going to the graduation at SUA. Hope lots of people from our class decide to crash the party.

Looking forward to tan skin.

On my birthday I ate green tea ice cream, and managed to avoid all homework. It was a good day.

23 seems to be a turning point age. My mom met my dad at 23. I'm going to graduate with a masters at 23. I want to make this the kind of year I look back on and think good thoughts about.

Spring is really on its way. Twice last week, I went outside with no coat. On my route to work there are two trees that have already sprouted pink blossoms. And the birds and squirrels are frolicking.

It's dreary here in Portland today, and I can't help wish for future sunny days.

I was accepted to two more Elementary school grad programs. Being indecisive, I almost changed my mind about going to University of Portland...Put I'm holding my ground and I'm going to the school my instincts tell me is the best for my life right now.

My dreams have been muddled and scary, in a subtle way, lately. I want to have happy dreams. I want to wake up in the morning refreshed.

Bleh...

Had small mental break down today...so I stayed home from work.

Isn't it June yet??

Happy Valentines day.

I was accepted to my first graduate school today, a mere three days after my interview with two professors who teach in the education department!

I opened the envelope and I was in shock. In June I will officially be on my way to becoming an Elementary school teacher.

Fantabulous!!

Rain, rain go away, don't come back some other day. Bump your head and go to bed!!

I'm so sick of the rain. I'm so sick of the clouds. My dream day: It would be 81 degrees. There would be those puffy white clouds that look like zoo animals. I'd be wearing cut off shorts, flip flops, and a tank top. It would be July, and I'd be on vacation, on a beach, in Hawaii.

Hey, a girl can dream...

In other news. Upon reading Uyen's impressions, I started reading the TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE. It's everything the rave reviews in the front of the book claim it is. I'm in love with Clare and Henry's life together. Maybe one of these days I'll be equally in love with my own.

It's sunny, it's warm, there's not a single rain drop in sight; must mean I'm in California.

So, I've been here three days now, and I'm having a good time. I must say that being on campus is strange. I feel like I'm watching a movie of other people's lives. I'm not involved in the story any more, only an observer. It's kinda nice to know everyone's moved on, and that Soka is now a totally different place, so, really, there's nothing to miss.

My first night here, I ate Pilipino's burnt BBQ at Michelle's, with my mom, uncle, two of his friends, and his girlfriend Cintia. She's very nice, I have to say. I stayed with Andy that night, and was woken up by Andy's three alarm clocks the next morning. Andy and I went to lunch in the Cafe, and then he did homework, while I made a gift for Uyen. That night, Pili, Uyen, Andy and I went out for Japanese curry, a target run, and Baskin and Robbins Ice Cream.

This morning I slept in and then watched court television, and had my second lunch in the Cafe. I saw Grace, and Eddie, Yoko, Travis, David, Lisa and Phat Vu, who now officially sits at the teacher table.

The best thing about my trip so far: No temper tantrums, waking up at 9am, and worrying about nothing!

I'll be staying with Lisa K. for the next few nights, and hope to see a few more Alumni before I go. Wish all the rest of you were here...

I'm really good at making excuses for not calling my friends. The truth...I don't like to talk on the phone all that much, because for me it doesn't compare to actually spending time with them, so I'll say everything here in this blog, for now.

Sammi: I'm really sorry to hear about checkers. losing an animal is so heartbreaking...especially one you've had so long...Did you guys have a ceremony for him?
I received your yummy fudge and One-piece package. My mouth and my imagination thank you.

Uyen: I'm going to call you soon, I promise, and planning will begin.

Ann: I hope you are OK...Alli said you had an I.V. drip at the hospital...let us know how you are...

Cassie: Yay! At least someone appreciates Portland...Plus, thank you for the gift, it was beautiful. P.S. How come you are so damn brilliant? They gave you an award?! That's amazing!

Alli: Sorry I missed your call...happy new year, don't buy too much stuff in Tokyo!

Andy: You too will be getting a call shortly...I might beg you to crash at your pad. let me know when you get back from Japan.

Pili: Yay! It was really nice hearing from you, Ryo, and Phat the other day...even if it was just a message on my phone. I'm so sad I'm going to miss seeing Ryo!! give him a hug for me, and tell Phat that Andy was the one who told me he was turning 40, so it's all Andy's fault :) Also, tell him it's the thought that counts!

Jessica: I'm going to call you back...I know, I know, I'm a month late. Hey, just to add to the message I put in your Christmas card...You are creative and artistic!! My mom picked up your card the other day from the pile of Christmas cards in our living room, and said, "ooh, who's card is this...this is really neat!"

Christmas has come and almost gone again! I hope everyone had a lovely day.

The older I get, the more I love Christmas. Last night we had our Christmas party. Our parties always end with drunk adults complaining about the Republican party, but they sure are fun before the fifth bottle of wine. My mom cooked her famous macaroni and cheese with sour cream, along with a turkey and all the rest of the trimmings. The food was delicious and the company was drunkenly hilarious!

Today my dad made us our Christmas brunch...And then we opened the presents! It took us two hours to open everything, but it was great to see the smiles on everyone's faces as they opened up their shiny packages. Alonzo even cried when we gave him his I-pod nano. It was classic.

We played Monopoly, ate cheese and crackers and listened to cheesy Christmas music together. Looking forward to next year...

"Pirate me hidey!!"

If I was clever and getting enough sleep, I'd write an epic blog about the disappearance of Samantha June Hawkins. For now, all I can say is...she must have finally taken the final step to "Pirate hood." Sammi, have many gold filled adventures for me and the rest of us land loving folk. We miss you.

It's 2:18 am.

I just wrote a 7 page paper in five hours.

Did we really used to do this kind of shit on a regular basis? I mean, I recall writing a 20 pager in a day. Was that really my life?

Studying has no place in the real world.

It's official, my mom and I are going down to California on the 14th of January! I'm very excited. Believe it or not, I miss California, a lot! I was telling Alli, on the phone, that I miss the strip malls, the mild weather, walmart, and even the traffic. I miss all of those things about California I vowed to hate forever! But mostly, I miss Soka and all of you guys!

My classes are ending in two days, and I'm sad. I've met some really great people in my classes, and I'm going to miss seeing them every day...

Yeah, so this is miss totally brain dead signing out!

I've got some good news and some GOOD news! First, today, I kicked off my five day vacation...I have to say that sitting on the couch, doing nothing, is highly underrated...

Second, I found out that my loans have been deferred. Yay! No payments, and no interest! Yesterday, I called both loan companies to find out about payment methods, and they informed me that because I was taking classes at PSU part-time I have an "in school" status, meaning I don't have to pay! I will be taking classes next semester also, and plan on going to grad school this summer, so it looks like I won't have to pay anything for the next year and a half. FABULOUS!

Next week I have five days off, in a row! No school, no work, no nothing unless I choose to do something. I think one of those days is going to be spent in my pJ's, in front of the TV, eating ice cream.

If uyen's blog makes me jealous. Jo's blog makes me blind with envy.

Oh! To be in New York, in love....

Ok everyone, now raise your glass for a toast to EMPLOYMENT!! Seems like everyone's on the right track...Now you too can watch as your money is slowly eaten away by the many expenses life throws in your face...Oh reality, "Oh discordia!"

So talk about being a big dork hooked on a book series, I'm still going strong on Steven Kings dark tower series. I'm about an eighth of the way through the last book. My life will feel very empty without my "tower" friends who's journey I've followed ever since graduation. It's weird how the characters in books sometimes become more real than the living breathing people that surround you...

...It's very easy to live in a fantasy when your reality doesn't match your ideal. "can you ken it."

my newly acquired license (by newly, I mean I got it today!) is in my wallet, and the road is waiting for me drive on it... watch out p-town!

Five Reasons why Elizabethtown is really all about me...

1. The opening scene is an aerial view of my city p-town. I recognized every building and every bridge.
2. The scene at Orlando/drew's shoe-wear company is shot at the Nike town headquarters, also in Oregon.
3. The scenes at Nike town are cross cut with the scenes shot at Soka U. There's a scene in the Ikeda reading room, the art gallery, and the gym. All I could think in my head was, that's the same gym I graduated in!!
4. The scene which is supposed to be located in the Portland airport...like Orlando is leaving Oregon to go to Kentucky, I think...was shot at the John Wayne Airport. That's the airport I traveled from every time I went home!
5. And to make it as clear as glass, the title has my name in it.

The movie is not that great, but Orlando' s pretty smokin', and I was practically screaming when I saw the shots with our school in them. My sister and Christina were like, "Ellie shut up." "Ellie, calm down!"

Yesterday I took the CBEST. Who knows if I passed. All I know is if I didn't, I might have to break down BIG TIME...

Yesterday I really missed Uyen. Taking my test reminded me of taking the GRE together. I remember driving to the test site in Ann and feeling nervous, but happy that Uyen and I were going to go through the craziness of the GRE together...

Andy and Koji: Who the heck am I going to hang on in the haunted houses this Halloween?

My body finally gave in to my crazy schedule. I hate being sick!! I've been in "the dream world" all day trying to sleep off this cold I caught, and trying to relax, because my life reached maximum intensity this week.

I've finally started taking classes. I have three, and I love them, but working ten hours during the day and going to school three hours at night is proving to be a great challenge...Can I really maintain my health with this schedule?? Who knows. And to top it all off It's raining cats and dogs!!

Ok...I've got to get through this. I just keep telling myself it's only eight more months until I get into grad school and REALLY start working toward my goal of becoming an ele. Teacher. My challenge is to celebrate these next eight months and enjoy them for what they will be, a crazy period of learning and growth. There's nothing wrong with that, right? Let's just hope my immune system can take it. And my friendships...

If I don't email, call or talk to you all for awhile, just imagine me chasing around two year olds for ten hours, and then jumping on the bus to sit through class. I love y'all!

I'm being bought, and that's the truth.

I'm too shy/scared to "get a life," and that's the truth.

The Joyful Noise take over of the YMCA is the worst thing that I've ever experienced on a job, and that's the truth.

I may never grow up, and that's the truth.

I get jealous when I read Uyen's blog because it reminds me of the life I wish I led, and that's the truth.

I'm a judgmental brat, and that's the truth.

I'm broke, and I watch too much TV, and that's the truth.

I don't trust, and that's the truth.

One of the best things in the world is a hug from a friend you haven't seen in a while. I went to a BBQ at Wula's house today and saw Caisy, and Jackie! They both seem well. We sat around and talked about our new lives, and how the shadows of our old ones seem to get in the way of happiness...we ate chicken, took a walk around the neighborhood, talked about "boys" and "girls" and enjoyed each others company. Caisy said she's "in transition." Jacky works at soka and said she refuses to eat in the cafeteria where the food is no longer free, and the faces have changed. Wula and caisy work in a restaurant in the town center and they said the professors find excuses to go eat there so that they can see people from the class of 05. The profs are lost without us. Jackie said they call us their babies...

Will I ever feel at home in my house again?

Happy Birthday Cassie and Jess...Your cards are in the mail!!

"Your eyes have a story that they wish to tell, and I have my whole life and I listen well. Look I'll be your confidant, tell me anything." JT

First, congrats to all of those who have recently been hired...Mitzi we can suffer together in the shoe department...and Sammi, I do need more One Piece!! It keeps me sane.

Updates:

I went to the beach for three days last week. And it was cleansing. My sister and I ran across sand dunes, wiggled our toes in the cold murky water, and I ate eggs benedict. I want to go back, I wanted to stay forever, but that's not life. Life is hard work.

When I came back from the beach, I picked up my 2004 Toyota corolla from the Hertz dealer. Yes, I bought a car. I love it. I'm in love with it. It's the highlight of my last three months.

I talked to Pili today, who was at SUA, and found Andy who I talked to for the first time in forever!! I could hear the other students celebrating a birthday party in the background and my heart broke. I wanted nothing more in that moment than to escape from real life and feel warm and safe in my Soka bubble again. But then my new car called and I drove myself and my mom to a diamoku toso (aka lots of chanting at a friends house).

Reasons why I'm stressed out:

• I can't wear sandals to work anymore and my feet are mad at me for suffocating them every day.
• I have to be at work every morning at 7:15am. At soka nothing began before 9am. My body is in shock.
• My new bosses are absolutely nothing like my old boss Terri. She talked with us about Harry potter and cramps. My new bosses barely manage a hello, much less an entertaining conversation.

Can I do this?? That's the question taking over my brain...

So, In the last three weeks my job at the daycare has been incredibly stressful, to say the least. A new company is taking over the Children's Holladay Center on August 1st. In the last two weeks all of the staff members at the CHC including myself have had to reapply for their jobs. This month has been filled with my wondering whether I'd have to move on and get a different full time job. Today, however, I found out that the new company is hiring me and is giving me a full time teacher position. I have mixed feelings. I'll be making $2 more an hour and I'll get health insurance, which is a good thing, and I'll get a lot of great experience planning lessons, etc. But on another note, it scares me that I will be responsible for a class. I won't go into the class with the mentality of a sub or an aid, but with the mentality of a teacher. Ahhh....Scary!! My week will be a 4/10 week. I'll have Tuesday's off and work all other days from 7:30pm to 5:30pm. Hmm, well, I guess I'll just give it all I got, and hopefully everything works out for the best.

Being dependent on your parents sucks. How come my dad is the "flakiest" man in history and my mom the most frustrated woman?

I've been so babied and spoiled it feels like there's no turning back.

I'm going to buy a car. Or my mom is and I' m going to pay for it.

Sammi, this is for you!! Remember our butt filter with musical downloads?? Well, I think this is the first step in that direction! http://www.flat-d.com/canineproducts.html

hehe!

Ok, So I'm really excited about blogger's new image uploader. Just a random picture of all my crazy friends to make sure it works.

My sister wrote this about all of you in her journal at the beginning of last school year (don't worry, I have permission):

...Night we left Soka:

We have just left Soka and I am very sad to see all of the faces I have come to know and love fade away into a dark cloud; The faces of my sisters friends who are friends to me too.

Pilipino and his singing

Sammi and her love of kid movies

Allison and her funny talk (punk ass mo fo)

Ann and her 300 movies

Andy and his smile

Cassie and her boyfriend stories

Jessica and her love for Wendy's

Uyen and her simplicity

My sister and her laugh

Phat and his expressions, along with his strange commentary

I will miss them all in one way or another, and I will miss the feeling and the smell and the excitement of being there...

My new "supervisor" said: "welcome aboard Elizabeth," and I smiled.

Second job, here I come!

Wow! Starting today I can officially say, I graduated from an accredited university. Well, at least it's accredited now, and no one needs to know about the four years when that title seemed so far away, and down right impossible.

On another note, they're looking for Anime teachers over here in Oregon...(Ellie coughs loudly)...Sammi!

So Sammi, I saw the American One Piece the other day, and it was by far the worst Japanese Anime gone American I have ever seen. Although the changes in the weaponry weren't as bad as I thought they would be, the voice overs and the English translations are what killed me. All of the magic was sucked out of the Anime. When Sanji opened his mouth to talk, I 'bout nearly had a heart attack, because he has this awful Brooklyn accent.

The characters said things like: "Now were really cookin!" And they added extra dialogue where there actually was none in the original. Oh the sadness!!

The spiders are coming!!

Yes Jess, I will call you back. I'm assessing my financial situation...

In between working at CHC and attending SGI meetings, I've been daydreaming. I dream about my future car, my future apartment, my future career and my future boyfriend. Unfortunately most of the things I dream, take money to make a reality. I can wish for a car until the sun don't shine, but I won't have one until I have $400-$500 a month to spend on payments and insurance. And the boyfriend is just a distant fantasy, that no amount of money or dreaming will make true for me.

I am so over being twenty something and a college grad!!

I can be semi proud of myself, because in the last two days, I've managed to apply to 4 jobs. Yay!! Hopefully my second job is being lined up right now, and managers are talking about how they 'want to hire that cute girl that came in yesterday and dropped off her application.'

I've been day dreaming about my future apartment. I've decided I want to have lots of candles, and a red bath mat. My friend Nyle has a red bath mat, and it's super cool. Nyle has decided that the youth division should have cocktail nights every first Thursday and I have to say I support his idea whole heartedly. I'm thinking about buying a black cocktail dress, so that I can go out to the art shows after the cocktails looking like a stunning 22 year old and get some booty!

Today my friend Monica finally graduated from High school. I'm so proud of her, because she managed to get an award for most improved student, two scholarships for college, and she already has fifteen college credits under her belt. Go Monica! At the graduation, I saw so many of my old friends from high school. It was weird. Everyone had a baby! And my friend Wyuka, who I used to be in love with, has an eight month old little girl. It's so surreal to think that this person who was just a little boy himself only a few years ago is responsible for this baby's life. Sitting and talking with him made me feel very old.

Today was my first day back at work, and all I can say is. Ohmygod. These chillins might just drive me nuts.

My life post SUA has consisted mainly of sitting on my ass. I can't work until my enrollment in Oregon's criminal history registry has been renewed, and so, I've been pretty unproductive the last few days. I've watched far to much television. The advertisements have begun to eat my brain, and all I want to do is shop. My sister and I went shopping, but all I could find (that I knew I liked and would wear) were seven pairs of Victorias Secret underwear and two bras.

I went to high school with one of the bank tellers at US Bank and he gave me his number. He wants to hang out some time. But I'm too chicken to give him a call.

Elsa called me on accident the other day. We talked for about five minutes and made a promise to see one another soon.

I went to the starlight parade with some of the Seattle youth division members. It was fun. They came up to Portland to scope out the parade, because SGI is supposed to march in it next year. Pablo convinced me I should be in the Seafair parade again this summer. Jess and Cassie, if you are reading please know that I'm very convinced, in my own mind, that you two should also be in the parade! Expect a phone call in the next few days!

Christina went on a cruise to Mexico. If you're out there Uyen, you might just be on the same cruise. They left from Cali, did you??

Will this life ever really be mine, or will my mom always have to give me a ride to the video store?

Will I ever be strong enough to let go of comfortable?

Can I actually save enough money to have my own apartment, visit Allison, and Andy in cali, and put myself through school?

First I need to get a second job. Baby steps...