I went to Alonzo's family reunion in Massachusetts last weekend and had a blast. My Uncle and aunt live on a huge lake. I went paddle boating and kayaking for the first time, and also went intertubing in the back of my uncle John's boat. It was like a roller coaster, only better!

While I was kayaking, my sister and I passed by the most beautiful house I've ever seen. There was this big Buddha sitting out front and the sun rays were filtering through the trees. You could see the light playing off of the wooden siding of the house and the golden Buddha...Something about that scene was magic...I couldn't stop looking at it. It reminded me that life isn't only about working hard, getting a paycheck, or stressing out, but that life should also be about the quite magic moments we sometimes experience in nature. About the birds taking flight, soaring across a setting sun...Life is beauty.

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be a teacher. What is my personal educational philosophy. Do I believe in reformation of society through education? Well, I went to Soka U, so I think so. That brings me to my ever expanding dream of teaching at/opening a soka elementary school. It used to be someone else's dream...It used to be that I just supported the idea. But now, I'm somehow making "their" dream mine...Needing to discover something greater in education...Wanting to change the world. Lofty, lofty goals.

My practice is steady. School is turning out to be this great adventure. I don't love "the boy" any more because I've discovered that others exist to love. I'm moving forward. I'm breakin' out.

It's hot, and I'm scared!

Grad school is 100% difficult. What was I thinking?? Higher education...who needs it. I think tomorrow I'll become a grad-school-dropout, move to Australia and become a beach bum...

My friend Christina was quite convincing yesterday when she said I should accompany her and her roommate to a drag show at Darcelle's in downtown Portland. I made up every excuse I possibly could not to go, especially when I heard that the show would be followed by a male review (yeah, that's right folks, hot guys, with g-strings, attacking horny women).

Somehow she sucked me into going. I walked out of the house looking a hot mess but determined to have a good time despite my fear that crazy drag queens would make fun of the "prude" twenty three year old in the audience and hot naked guys would dry hump me.

The drag show was great. The queens have this sexy dignity that I aspire to as a woman. The host queen was like eighty years old but still doing his/her thang. And it's pretty fabulous watching a drag queen dance around the stage to Mariah Carey's take me higher...It's like the song is fulfilling its mission somehow.

After the drag show, my friends were like..."Well, we're going to go to the bathroom." The minute they left is the same minute the male review started. I sucked a little harder on my rum and cherry coke and prayed my friends would return to their seats before the dry humping occurred. The first dancer was a blonde business man...I don't think I'll ever see a real business man gyrate against a pole in his skivies and top hat, but it's an entertaining fantasy none the less.

The show was a combination of choreographed acts and g-string clad men working the room. The working the room bit is what scared me the most because it consists of women holding dollar bills in their various orifices and the naked men pressing their "members" up against the women as they kiss, touch, and ultimately get the dollar from them.

Every time one of the guys passed me I tried my best to pretend I was actually invisible, but one stripper just walked right in front of me and started dry humping the air in front of my face. I screamed and he got the point...

Hmm...but then the fireman came out, and let me tell you girls (and Andy) he was a mighty fine piece of meat. By the way, he took his g-string all the way off during his performance, which was strangely OK with me...maybe the rum and coke doing it's job...?

The fireman eventually made his way to our section of the room, and Becky made him work for his dollar. Stina and I were sitting there like, he better not come over here, but of course that's when he noticed us and was like, "I'll be back for the scared one's!" Ahhhhh... I was like, he might have a nice penis on stage, but I would like to avoid having it swinging in front of my face!!

Maybe half an hour later, the fireman finally made his way back over to Stina and I. Christina had had about five drinks at this point so she was feeling good enough to stick the dollar in her mouth...and well you get the point.

I again pretended to be invisible and it was working until someone shoved a dollar bill down my shirt and told him to go get it. Much of what happened next is quite blurry seeing as I wasn't breathing the whole time. But I do remember fireman straddling me...Pulling the dollar out with his hand, rubbing his lips all over my neck and then he kissed me on the cheek. While he was doing all of this I kept smacking his ass...which was really just a nervous tick, but I just kept doing it!! As quick as he had come, he was gone. I gave Christina my "you did this to me look..."

Listen, the moral of the story is, I had a great time!! It was really a lot of fun...and next time you girls and (Andy) are in town we're going to Darcelle's! Plus, if we ever go to Vegas again we HAVE to go to Chip and Dales. Stina told me the men are the cream of the crop and mighty fine...so no objections!

Love y'all

It was such a blast. I love you fools and all your crazy ways.
Andy: I need your address...and an email address too...Do you have hotmail??

When I was a little girl, sunny weather meant bike rides, tennis games, and park visits. As an adult all sense of adventure has some how been sucked out of my life. My bike has cobwebs...I don't even know what happened to my tennis racket... and the park seems mighty far away. But it's such a beautiful day. It's a shame and a sin for me to be sitting inside looking out the window wishing I was a child again.

Where's the energy!

My summer is going to be jam packed.

California in May

Start Grad school in June

Denver SGI festival in June/July

Family reunion in Massachusetts in July

FNCC in August

Every day I look at the calendar and wish it was the next day, so that it would be summer...But that's no way to live...I better start enjoying the moment or I'm going to give myself an ulcer! Or a heart condition. I feel jumpy, I feel bored...

I have six completed scrap books. I looked over all of them today and I was shocked by how much I've had the fortune to do in the last seven or so years. Life is kind of like a reverse onion. You keep adding layer upon layer until your skin is thick; until your experiences start to run into one another creating who you are at this moment.

For all of the amazing people who have come into my life and added another layer (good or bad, positive or negative), I love you.

No more class until June 26th!! Yea!

So, life after night classes is proving to be very good. I mean, this weekend I actually have plans.

Yesterday, I led the discussion at our March 16th meeting and went to my co-workers birthday party. She had a wine tasting party that turned into a card playing party.

Today, my sister and I are going to my dads for breakfast and then shopping (we finally get to spend our b-day money) and then I'm going to the movies with this random guy I met at the bank who went to my high school.

All in all, it's nice not to have to do homework twenty- four- seven!

I'm officially going to the Student division FNCC conference. I'm very excited to go back.

Looking forward to wearing my new cut off Bermuda shorts and shaving my legs.

I'm also officially going to the graduation at SUA. Hope lots of people from our class decide to crash the party.

Looking forward to tan skin.

On my birthday I ate green tea ice cream, and managed to avoid all homework. It was a good day.

23 seems to be a turning point age. My mom met my dad at 23. I'm going to graduate with a masters at 23. I want to make this the kind of year I look back on and think good thoughts about.

Spring is really on its way. Twice last week, I went outside with no coat. On my route to work there are two trees that have already sprouted pink blossoms. And the birds and squirrels are frolicking.

It's dreary here in Portland today, and I can't help wish for future sunny days.

I was accepted to two more Elementary school grad programs. Being indecisive, I almost changed my mind about going to University of Portland...Put I'm holding my ground and I'm going to the school my instincts tell me is the best for my life right now.

My dreams have been muddled and scary, in a subtle way, lately. I want to have happy dreams. I want to wake up in the morning refreshed.

Bleh...

Had small mental break down today...so I stayed home from work.

Isn't it June yet??

Happy Valentines day.

I was accepted to my first graduate school today, a mere three days after my interview with two professors who teach in the education department!

I opened the envelope and I was in shock. In June I will officially be on my way to becoming an Elementary school teacher.

Fantabulous!!

Rain, rain go away, don't come back some other day. Bump your head and go to bed!!

I'm so sick of the rain. I'm so sick of the clouds. My dream day: It would be 81 degrees. There would be those puffy white clouds that look like zoo animals. I'd be wearing cut off shorts, flip flops, and a tank top. It would be July, and I'd be on vacation, on a beach, in Hawaii.

Hey, a girl can dream...

In other news. Upon reading Uyen's impressions, I started reading the TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE. It's everything the rave reviews in the front of the book claim it is. I'm in love with Clare and Henry's life together. Maybe one of these days I'll be equally in love with my own.

It's sunny, it's warm, there's not a single rain drop in sight; must mean I'm in California.

So, I've been here three days now, and I'm having a good time. I must say that being on campus is strange. I feel like I'm watching a movie of other people's lives. I'm not involved in the story any more, only an observer. It's kinda nice to know everyone's moved on, and that Soka is now a totally different place, so, really, there's nothing to miss.

My first night here, I ate Pilipino's burnt BBQ at Michelle's, with my mom, uncle, two of his friends, and his girlfriend Cintia. She's very nice, I have to say. I stayed with Andy that night, and was woken up by Andy's three alarm clocks the next morning. Andy and I went to lunch in the Cafe, and then he did homework, while I made a gift for Uyen. That night, Pili, Uyen, Andy and I went out for Japanese curry, a target run, and Baskin and Robbins Ice Cream.

This morning I slept in and then watched court television, and had my second lunch in the Cafe. I saw Grace, and Eddie, Yoko, Travis, David, Lisa and Phat Vu, who now officially sits at the teacher table.

The best thing about my trip so far: No temper tantrums, waking up at 9am, and worrying about nothing!

I'll be staying with Lisa K. for the next few nights, and hope to see a few more Alumni before I go. Wish all the rest of you were here...

I'm really good at making excuses for not calling my friends. The truth...I don't like to talk on the phone all that much, because for me it doesn't compare to actually spending time with them, so I'll say everything here in this blog, for now.

Sammi: I'm really sorry to hear about checkers. losing an animal is so heartbreaking...especially one you've had so long...Did you guys have a ceremony for him?
I received your yummy fudge and One-piece package. My mouth and my imagination thank you.

Uyen: I'm going to call you soon, I promise, and planning will begin.

Ann: I hope you are OK...Alli said you had an I.V. drip at the hospital...let us know how you are...

Cassie: Yay! At least someone appreciates Portland...Plus, thank you for the gift, it was beautiful. P.S. How come you are so damn brilliant? They gave you an award?! That's amazing!

Alli: Sorry I missed your call...happy new year, don't buy too much stuff in Tokyo!

Andy: You too will be getting a call shortly...I might beg you to crash at your pad. let me know when you get back from Japan.

Pili: Yay! It was really nice hearing from you, Ryo, and Phat the other day...even if it was just a message on my phone. I'm so sad I'm going to miss seeing Ryo!! give him a hug for me, and tell Phat that Andy was the one who told me he was turning 40, so it's all Andy's fault :) Also, tell him it's the thought that counts!

Jessica: I'm going to call you back...I know, I know, I'm a month late. Hey, just to add to the message I put in your Christmas card...You are creative and artistic!! My mom picked up your card the other day from the pile of Christmas cards in our living room, and said, "ooh, who's card is this...this is really neat!"

Christmas has come and almost gone again! I hope everyone had a lovely day.

The older I get, the more I love Christmas. Last night we had our Christmas party. Our parties always end with drunk adults complaining about the Republican party, but they sure are fun before the fifth bottle of wine. My mom cooked her famous macaroni and cheese with sour cream, along with a turkey and all the rest of the trimmings. The food was delicious and the company was drunkenly hilarious!

Today my dad made us our Christmas brunch...And then we opened the presents! It took us two hours to open everything, but it was great to see the smiles on everyone's faces as they opened up their shiny packages. Alonzo even cried when we gave him his I-pod nano. It was classic.

We played Monopoly, ate cheese and crackers and listened to cheesy Christmas music together. Looking forward to next year...

"Pirate me hidey!!"

If I was clever and getting enough sleep, I'd write an epic blog about the disappearance of Samantha June Hawkins. For now, all I can say is...she must have finally taken the final step to "Pirate hood." Sammi, have many gold filled adventures for me and the rest of us land loving folk. We miss you.

It's 2:18 am.

I just wrote a 7 page paper in five hours.

Did we really used to do this kind of shit on a regular basis? I mean, I recall writing a 20 pager in a day. Was that really my life?

Studying has no place in the real world.

It's official, my mom and I are going down to California on the 14th of January! I'm very excited. Believe it or not, I miss California, a lot! I was telling Alli, on the phone, that I miss the strip malls, the mild weather, walmart, and even the traffic. I miss all of those things about California I vowed to hate forever! But mostly, I miss Soka and all of you guys!

My classes are ending in two days, and I'm sad. I've met some really great people in my classes, and I'm going to miss seeing them every day...

Yeah, so this is miss totally brain dead signing out!

I've got some good news and some GOOD news! First, today, I kicked off my five day vacation...I have to say that sitting on the couch, doing nothing, is highly underrated...

Second, I found out that my loans have been deferred. Yay! No payments, and no interest! Yesterday, I called both loan companies to find out about payment methods, and they informed me that because I was taking classes at PSU part-time I have an "in school" status, meaning I don't have to pay! I will be taking classes next semester also, and plan on going to grad school this summer, so it looks like I won't have to pay anything for the next year and a half. FABULOUS!

Next week I have five days off, in a row! No school, no work, no nothing unless I choose to do something. I think one of those days is going to be spent in my pJ's, in front of the TV, eating ice cream.

If uyen's blog makes me jealous. Jo's blog makes me blind with envy.

Oh! To be in New York, in love....

Ok everyone, now raise your glass for a toast to EMPLOYMENT!! Seems like everyone's on the right track...Now you too can watch as your money is slowly eaten away by the many expenses life throws in your face...Oh reality, "Oh discordia!"

So talk about being a big dork hooked on a book series, I'm still going strong on Steven Kings dark tower series. I'm about an eighth of the way through the last book. My life will feel very empty without my "tower" friends who's journey I've followed ever since graduation. It's weird how the characters in books sometimes become more real than the living breathing people that surround you...

...It's very easy to live in a fantasy when your reality doesn't match your ideal. "can you ken it."

my newly acquired license (by newly, I mean I got it today!) is in my wallet, and the road is waiting for me drive on it... watch out p-town!

Five Reasons why Elizabethtown is really all about me...

1. The opening scene is an aerial view of my city p-town. I recognized every building and every bridge.
2. The scene at Orlando/drew's shoe-wear company is shot at the Nike town headquarters, also in Oregon.
3. The scenes at Nike town are cross cut with the scenes shot at Soka U. There's a scene in the Ikeda reading room, the art gallery, and the gym. All I could think in my head was, that's the same gym I graduated in!!
4. The scene which is supposed to be located in the Portland airport...like Orlando is leaving Oregon to go to Kentucky, I think...was shot at the John Wayne Airport. That's the airport I traveled from every time I went home!
5. And to make it as clear as glass, the title has my name in it.

The movie is not that great, but Orlando' s pretty smokin', and I was practically screaming when I saw the shots with our school in them. My sister and Christina were like, "Ellie shut up." "Ellie, calm down!"

Yesterday I took the CBEST. Who knows if I passed. All I know is if I didn't, I might have to break down BIG TIME...

Yesterday I really missed Uyen. Taking my test reminded me of taking the GRE together. I remember driving to the test site in Ann and feeling nervous, but happy that Uyen and I were going to go through the craziness of the GRE together...

Andy and Koji: Who the heck am I going to hang on in the haunted houses this Halloween?

My body finally gave in to my crazy schedule. I hate being sick!! I've been in "the dream world" all day trying to sleep off this cold I caught, and trying to relax, because my life reached maximum intensity this week.

I've finally started taking classes. I have three, and I love them, but working ten hours during the day and going to school three hours at night is proving to be a great challenge...Can I really maintain my health with this schedule?? Who knows. And to top it all off It's raining cats and dogs!!

Ok...I've got to get through this. I just keep telling myself it's only eight more months until I get into grad school and REALLY start working toward my goal of becoming an ele. Teacher. My challenge is to celebrate these next eight months and enjoy them for what they will be, a crazy period of learning and growth. There's nothing wrong with that, right? Let's just hope my immune system can take it. And my friendships...

If I don't email, call or talk to you all for awhile, just imagine me chasing around two year olds for ten hours, and then jumping on the bus to sit through class. I love y'all!

I'm being bought, and that's the truth.

I'm too shy/scared to "get a life," and that's the truth.

The Joyful Noise take over of the YMCA is the worst thing that I've ever experienced on a job, and that's the truth.

I may never grow up, and that's the truth.

I get jealous when I read Uyen's blog because it reminds me of the life I wish I led, and that's the truth.

I'm a judgmental brat, and that's the truth.

I'm broke, and I watch too much TV, and that's the truth.

I don't trust, and that's the truth.

One of the best things in the world is a hug from a friend you haven't seen in a while. I went to a BBQ at Wula's house today and saw Caisy, and Jackie! They both seem well. We sat around and talked about our new lives, and how the shadows of our old ones seem to get in the way of happiness...we ate chicken, took a walk around the neighborhood, talked about "boys" and "girls" and enjoyed each others company. Caisy said she's "in transition." Jacky works at soka and said she refuses to eat in the cafeteria where the food is no longer free, and the faces have changed. Wula and caisy work in a restaurant in the town center and they said the professors find excuses to go eat there so that they can see people from the class of 05. The profs are lost without us. Jackie said they call us their babies...

Will I ever feel at home in my house again?

Happy Birthday Cassie and Jess...Your cards are in the mail!!

"Your eyes have a story that they wish to tell, and I have my whole life and I listen well. Look I'll be your confidant, tell me anything." JT

First, congrats to all of those who have recently been hired...Mitzi we can suffer together in the shoe department...and Sammi, I do need more One Piece!! It keeps me sane.

Updates:

I went to the beach for three days last week. And it was cleansing. My sister and I ran across sand dunes, wiggled our toes in the cold murky water, and I ate eggs benedict. I want to go back, I wanted to stay forever, but that's not life. Life is hard work.

When I came back from the beach, I picked up my 2004 Toyota corolla from the Hertz dealer. Yes, I bought a car. I love it. I'm in love with it. It's the highlight of my last three months.

I talked to Pili today, who was at SUA, and found Andy who I talked to for the first time in forever!! I could hear the other students celebrating a birthday party in the background and my heart broke. I wanted nothing more in that moment than to escape from real life and feel warm and safe in my Soka bubble again. But then my new car called and I drove myself and my mom to a diamoku toso (aka lots of chanting at a friends house).

Reasons why I'm stressed out:

• I can't wear sandals to work anymore and my feet are mad at me for suffocating them every day.
• I have to be at work every morning at 7:15am. At soka nothing began before 9am. My body is in shock.
• My new bosses are absolutely nothing like my old boss Terri. She talked with us about Harry potter and cramps. My new bosses barely manage a hello, much less an entertaining conversation.

Can I do this?? That's the question taking over my brain...

So, In the last three weeks my job at the daycare has been incredibly stressful, to say the least. A new company is taking over the Children's Holladay Center on August 1st. In the last two weeks all of the staff members at the CHC including myself have had to reapply for their jobs. This month has been filled with my wondering whether I'd have to move on and get a different full time job. Today, however, I found out that the new company is hiring me and is giving me a full time teacher position. I have mixed feelings. I'll be making $2 more an hour and I'll get health insurance, which is a good thing, and I'll get a lot of great experience planning lessons, etc. But on another note, it scares me that I will be responsible for a class. I won't go into the class with the mentality of a sub or an aid, but with the mentality of a teacher. Ahhh....Scary!! My week will be a 4/10 week. I'll have Tuesday's off and work all other days from 7:30pm to 5:30pm. Hmm, well, I guess I'll just give it all I got, and hopefully everything works out for the best.

Being dependent on your parents sucks. How come my dad is the "flakiest" man in history and my mom the most frustrated woman?

I've been so babied and spoiled it feels like there's no turning back.

I'm going to buy a car. Or my mom is and I' m going to pay for it.

Sammi, this is for you!! Remember our butt filter with musical downloads?? Well, I think this is the first step in that direction! http://www.flat-d.com/canineproducts.html

hehe!

Ok, So I'm really excited about blogger's new image uploader. Just a random picture of all my crazy friends to make sure it works.

My sister wrote this about all of you in her journal at the beginning of last school year (don't worry, I have permission):

...Night we left Soka:

We have just left Soka and I am very sad to see all of the faces I have come to know and love fade away into a dark cloud; The faces of my sisters friends who are friends to me too.

Pilipino and his singing

Sammi and her love of kid movies

Allison and her funny talk (punk ass mo fo)

Ann and her 300 movies

Andy and his smile

Cassie and her boyfriend stories

Jessica and her love for Wendy's

Uyen and her simplicity

My sister and her laugh

Phat and his expressions, along with his strange commentary

I will miss them all in one way or another, and I will miss the feeling and the smell and the excitement of being there...

My new "supervisor" said: "welcome aboard Elizabeth," and I smiled.

Second job, here I come!

Wow! Starting today I can officially say, I graduated from an accredited university. Well, at least it's accredited now, and no one needs to know about the four years when that title seemed so far away, and down right impossible.

On another note, they're looking for Anime teachers over here in Oregon...(Ellie coughs loudly)...Sammi!

So Sammi, I saw the American One Piece the other day, and it was by far the worst Japanese Anime gone American I have ever seen. Although the changes in the weaponry weren't as bad as I thought they would be, the voice overs and the English translations are what killed me. All of the magic was sucked out of the Anime. When Sanji opened his mouth to talk, I 'bout nearly had a heart attack, because he has this awful Brooklyn accent.

The characters said things like: "Now were really cookin!" And they added extra dialogue where there actually was none in the original. Oh the sadness!!

The spiders are coming!!

Yes Jess, I will call you back. I'm assessing my financial situation...

In between working at CHC and attending SGI meetings, I've been daydreaming. I dream about my future car, my future apartment, my future career and my future boyfriend. Unfortunately most of the things I dream, take money to make a reality. I can wish for a car until the sun don't shine, but I won't have one until I have $400-$500 a month to spend on payments and insurance. And the boyfriend is just a distant fantasy, that no amount of money or dreaming will make true for me.

I am so over being twenty something and a college grad!!

I can be semi proud of myself, because in the last two days, I've managed to apply to 4 jobs. Yay!! Hopefully my second job is being lined up right now, and managers are talking about how they 'want to hire that cute girl that came in yesterday and dropped off her application.'

I've been day dreaming about my future apartment. I've decided I want to have lots of candles, and a red bath mat. My friend Nyle has a red bath mat, and it's super cool. Nyle has decided that the youth division should have cocktail nights every first Thursday and I have to say I support his idea whole heartedly. I'm thinking about buying a black cocktail dress, so that I can go out to the art shows after the cocktails looking like a stunning 22 year old and get some booty!

Today my friend Monica finally graduated from High school. I'm so proud of her, because she managed to get an award for most improved student, two scholarships for college, and she already has fifteen college credits under her belt. Go Monica! At the graduation, I saw so many of my old friends from high school. It was weird. Everyone had a baby! And my friend Wyuka, who I used to be in love with, has an eight month old little girl. It's so surreal to think that this person who was just a little boy himself only a few years ago is responsible for this baby's life. Sitting and talking with him made me feel very old.

Today was my first day back at work, and all I can say is. Ohmygod. These chillins might just drive me nuts.

My life post SUA has consisted mainly of sitting on my ass. I can't work until my enrollment in Oregon's criminal history registry has been renewed, and so, I've been pretty unproductive the last few days. I've watched far to much television. The advertisements have begun to eat my brain, and all I want to do is shop. My sister and I went shopping, but all I could find (that I knew I liked and would wear) were seven pairs of Victorias Secret underwear and two bras.

I went to high school with one of the bank tellers at US Bank and he gave me his number. He wants to hang out some time. But I'm too chicken to give him a call.

Elsa called me on accident the other day. We talked for about five minutes and made a promise to see one another soon.

I went to the starlight parade with some of the Seattle youth division members. It was fun. They came up to Portland to scope out the parade, because SGI is supposed to march in it next year. Pablo convinced me I should be in the Seafair parade again this summer. Jess and Cassie, if you are reading please know that I'm very convinced, in my own mind, that you two should also be in the parade! Expect a phone call in the next few days!

Christina went on a cruise to Mexico. If you're out there Uyen, you might just be on the same cruise. They left from Cali, did you??

Will this life ever really be mine, or will my mom always have to give me a ride to the video store?

Will I ever be strong enough to let go of comfortable?

Can I actually save enough money to have my own apartment, visit Allison, and Andy in cali, and put myself through school?

First I need to get a second job. Baby steps...

A miracle:

My neighbor has unsecured, high-speed wireless! His name is Matt. I've been "borrowing" his internet services for the last day and a half. You can't beat free!

If he catches on to me, the school across the street has unsecured wireless also...and I thought I was going to have to pay to get internet back on my computer! ;)

My Aunt Nanee passed away today at 9am. She was 94. I was able to spend a good amount of time with her last Christmas break. We watched television together. She talked with me about her favorite memories and her closest friends. I helped her put a photo album together. She told me she loved me and would miss me when I left for school.

That was the last time I saw her completely conscious and spunky. That's the Nanee I'm going to miss.

I saw her for the last time two days ago. When I walked into her room, I was shocked to the very core. She was sitting in a wheel chair, slumped over. She had an oxygen mask strapped to her nose. She was shaking. She couldn't open her eyes. I totally lost it. I went into the bathroom to morn the strong, lucid woman I left last Christmas break. When I returned to her room I held her hand, and tried to give her comfort. When I left her, I felt empty. I felt like Nanee was already gone.

When my mom told me she passed away this morning, I felt sad but relieved that she wouldn't have to suffer anymore. She wouldn't have to spend one more minute slumped in her chair shouting the only word she could still say, "ouch!"

I'm going to miss you Nanee. You always stuck up for yourself. You never let anyone walk all over you. You enjoyed your life despite all of your own losses and heart aches. I love you.

My sister said: "That's what small schools do to you. They make you never want to leave."

My two worlds are colliding. It's messy. It's interesting. It's sad.

I am in complete denial. This part of my life is not coming to an end. I absolutely won't acknowledge that we are about to graduate. No, no, no!

Today was a good day. HOL was a great success. Who knew we would get a standing ovation. That was fabulous. It made all the hard work worth it. The whole point of HOL was for the audience to have an hour of enjoyment and I think we (the performers) accomplished our goal! Capstone, who??...Graduation, what?? I don't want to leave!

My body keeps telling me to slow down. I have a headache right now and I should really lie in my bed and go to sleep, but there is far to much to do for something as leisurely as a nap. How am I going to complete everything? How can I maintain the momentum when my Brian has already shut down. I am checked out academically. All I want to do is spend time with my friends, watch good movies, and dance. That's it. But Capstone is standing in front of me and I can't go around it, I can't go through it, so I'll just have to complete it and turn it in for it to truly go away. Oh where oh where did all my passion for my project go??

In response to Cassie's most recent blog: Gail told me the same thing and I spent 15 hours trying to make it better. Capstone is not who we are, it doesn't define us...you just tell Dr. W to screw him and his mamma and everyone 100 years down the family tree...you get my drift...

In response to Andy's most recent blog: Man you got it bad. You sound like me a couple of months back when I wrote the little ditty:

Why do his eyes have to be blue, flashing across the room like an invitation that was mailed on accident.

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To Stand on her step with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers be good to your daughters...

I apologize to every boy I've abused, made fun of, injured, and damaged due to my insecurities. I apologize to myself for not letting myself experience new things because of my fear. I apologize to myself for failing to love and in doing so failing to live.

Today I have felt nothing but hope. I think I'm going be ok. I think I'm beginning to heal.

She deserves a crown, but where is it now...


I can feel a panic attack coming...I've never had one before, I wonder what it's like. I may soon know, if I don't figure out how to get my shit together and work a little harder on everything I need to do before the semester ends.

Oh boy...yep I can feel the panic. It's building up there in the dark place in my stomach where I harbor all my fears and disappointments...

And that's it...

Happy 22nd B-day Uyen!!!!!!!!

I wish I could make it go across the page like you do, but I don't have the same mad skills. You're just going to have to pretend it's going across the page. Oh, look at it go...oh, there it goes again!!

I want to sleep and have dreams of love reciprocated.
I want to sleep and wake up feeling like I did at ten, refreshed, ready for anything that might come my way, and eager to explore.
I want to sleep and converse with the mist outside my window frame. Is there more to life than academics? and what's that feeling I get when the sun glints off of the leaves and everything smells fresh like birth.
I want to sleep and rediscover the passion I used to have for living before everything got too hard, relationships became more complicated, and love turned it's head from me, shunning me, denying me...

My dad is changing his life. In the last three weeks, I've heard him (on the telephone) go from defeated old man, to a man excited about living, appreciating his family, saving money, paying old debts, and becoming really confident and happy for the first time since I've known him. That's the best birthday present I could have ever asked for. Second to that, is ann's mixed CD, which made me cry (again) and is one I will listen to until and beyond the age of 45...Life is lovely.

Twenty Something

I’m twenty something
Waiting for the stains of adolescence to fade
Turning out ambiguous tarot card readings
Impermanent
Divine
Asking questions to clear away the sticky cobwebs of immaturity
When will my search for truth end?
How can you help me change my sad situation?
What is love?
I’m a virgin with impure thoughts
An intellectual child
A goddess
An enigma
An opaque phantom, silencing my screams

As he stood in line and shared his heart with the very boy who won't share his with me I looked at the pickles and held in my tears. Many meaningful moments don't lead up to a meaningful whole. He's the only boy I've wanted to change, even though I know that it never works. I can't help wanting to save him from himself and his facade of care. I'm arrogant and I know it. But with him it's coming from a genuine place. I want him to need me, because nobody ever has. But, you thought I was over him. I am, it's just when I'm about to have my moon that I get overly sensitive and he gets to me again.

I knew life wasn't going to be perfect, but I didn't think it would be this hard...

I can't eat. I can't sleep anymore; waiting for love to walk through the door.

My greatest fears:

I'll die a virgin
I'm not cut out to do an independent project like capstone
I'm not no nice girl
I'll live with my parents until I'm 30
I won't get a job after SUA
I'll let my friendships dissolve after SUA
I'll make it to 50, look back on my life, and feel disappointment...

It's funny how you can look in the face of a person you've known for three and a half years and wonder who they are, and how come you don't know anything about them anymore, and doubt whether your bond was ever real.

I'm emotional. I am trying to hold on to you.

My Goals for this semester:

Chill out to avoid developing the twitch in my eye again

Enjoy doing my capstone. It's about elementary school students. It's not a scary topic and I love learning about teaching and kids

Take care of myself when I'm sad or sick

Take care of my friends when they're sad or sick

Be more responsible with my money

"Give some to get some" wink, wink

The semesters almost over. I feel sad. Only five more months at SUA and at the end a big question mark awaits. What will I do post SUA? What will I do with the rest of my life?

So maybe now I'm free...but it hurts when I remember there's no one left to dream about.

So maybe now I'm angry...but I'd rather have had a fairy tale ending.

So maybe now my heart is healing...but the healing is almost as painful as was the wound.

So maybe I finally got my answer...but it wasn't the one I wanted to hear.

Closure...hurts.

Advice from W: Read the Gosho every day. Study with the young women's division. Know that you are worthwhile. Have confidence in yourself. Stop, I can feel the Pisces emotion, I can feel that you are frustrated. "Love me" is very pure, very gentle. Get support, take action...

Love is blinding. When I chant about it, it's like a big black karmic hole.

Damn him for not loving you. You are beautiful. You are too wonderful to be chasing after someone who can't see that.

Thank you W for being the one to say what I needed to hear.

He's hurt me and he doesn't even know how many times. I'm keeping tabs, even though I'm aware I shouldn't.

My friendships feel so blurry and confused. Thinking about the future has turned us all into a bunch of narcissists.

I'm trying to hold on to the innocence I see in our freshman year pictures.

Please know that what I say in these lines, is only my attempt to make sense of my confusion.

Eminem called bush a weapon of mass destruction. I couldn't agree more, and right now he and his cronies are destroying my hope. Or maybe I'm letting them, because I'm struggling to find a good reason to fight back.

'cause I know some so poor that's when they shower

If Fabiana hadn't come knocking on my door and given me the hug I so desperately needed, I might have laid on my bed and cried all night for the many more people who will most likely be disenfranchised, ignored, and even killed by the Bush administration.

What makes me the most sad, is that people chose, ignorance, intolerance, hatred, bigotry, religious doctrine, and war over, everything that could be the opposite of that.

There is this growing blackness in my bones, my skin, my heart, that I'm trying to fight desperately. If I let the victory of the republican's defeat me...I might just slip into a four year depression, because it's easier than watching my country be further destroyed and compromised by one idiot and all his friends in the white house who happens to be allowed to do whatever he pleases, so, I can't fall into a slump, I can't give up, because then they can say: "see you peaceful people are losers"...and by the way if I'm not making any sense, it's because I'm so livid I can't think straight.

In four years I'll be 25 and at the polls hoping my vote means something (anything) once again.

The moment I saw Orlando Bloom, was the moment in which I realized he's only a human. Ok, so that seems like a "duh!" kind of statement, but it's true. As much as I admired his skin and his beauty in the five minutes I spent gazing at him, I, at the same time, felt a little twinge of guilt in the pit of my stomach. We pay him to pretend to be something he's not, and then we stand around in groups of giggley tens and suck all of his "famous" energy into ourselves, in order to what? Bask in his glory, touch his blessed hand, imagine what it might be like to be famous? I don't get it...and I don't think he does either. He seemed sort of uncomfortable and wouldn't you be too if there were fifty girls on the 2nd floor of founders hall staring at you like they just might cook you up and eat you for dinner? He just signs what's put in front of him, probably choking back the feeling that he's being used for his body.

Life is whatever you decide it is in the moment. Lately I've been deciding to live a relatively positive life...It's really amazing how someone who's feeling really terrible, can just suck the life right out of you...I don't want to suck the life out of people...I used to do it all the time...Maybe I still do...if I do, let me apologize. I'm not going to be happy all of the time, but I'd like to be positive rather than angry and sad the majority of the time.

Ciara is getting me through my mornings with a smile on my face...My dad is actively changing his Karma, I'm managing to stay on task and still have a life, my friends are beautiful and I've been chanting, for all those ladies who are single, that fabulous boys will come along and recognize their beauty and sweep them up in sultry love affairs. Life will never be like a Nora Roberts book, but we can pretend, can't we?

It's such a nice thing to go into an elementary school classroom and know, without a doubt, that I want to be a teacher.

I think maybe he needs me but doesn't know it yet. When we talked on the phone yesterday, it was him reluctant to hang up. That's a change...

Maybe this will be my hardest day yet. But perhaps the most rewarding.

Truth hurts...


I like Usher...I can't help myself. Need Vitamin C. We get 22 days for Christmas break this year. I have a feeling those 22 days are going to feel like a little slice of heaven...
Busy, rushing, addicted to motion, when will I be able to stop, breathe in and appreciate the last year here at my home?

Lack of a romantic relationship is my stressor, discomfort and depression are the outcomes of that stress, mental and physical harm are what I have to look forward to.

Goodie, I'm an anxious/ambivalent psycho. All signs are pointing to my self destruction. Help me.

The biggest problem is I love him so much I can't think logically...It's not even logical to say that because what is there to love but a dream and a fantasy I've created in my head.

If I could say one thing to you, I would tell you "I love you and want to be with you more than anything I've wanted in a long time." That's it. Short and sweet. True.

Vegas was like being on a sugar high. Pumped, ready to go, lost in the lights, but as the sugar high dissolved into a crash it felt like the slot machines were sucking the life right out of me, and if I had stayed, I would have given in, become a lush, and given my money uncontrollably over to the mouths of the money eaters that can't possibly still be hungry.

I wish I could take the blue and shove it into my heart and hold it there and remember the way it makes me feel forever, like cosmic oceans, like infinity, like searching for ladybugs in a field of grass. It's like at that moment I forget who I am. I become a whisper, and I have to avert my eyes just to remember me. It's like being stoned from laughing so hard or momentary disorientation...He's dangerous...He's my only fix.

If I don't ignore him, I'll have to love him. Why does he repulse and draw me in at the same instant, at all times except for when I'm spending time with him, laughing with him and then, all I can do is whish we were together.

Caisy seems to think that there is some reason why I'm drawn to him that I have to discover in order to get over it...Or move on, or come to some kind of conclusion...But how do you find out the source of a desire, except that one morning you woke up and it was there, and there it's stayed in the black pit of your stomach for the last two years. This is illogical, this unrelenting need to make him like me back...and it's destructive, and it's an addiction, and I can't stop.

Why do his eyes have to be blue, flashing across the room like an invitation that was mailed on accident. Ok, so, I'm not invited to your party. I know that with my brain, but my heart is still reaching out, still trying to grab yours and make you see me.

Maybe in his madness he's reaching for the divine. Maybe I'm failing in the intimacy vs. Isolation step of Erikson's theory...maybe I'll never "find myself yet lose myself" in another person...maybe this is all a dream and when I wake up I'll be lying in bed next to my soul mate and I'll wake him up and force him to listen to my crazy dream of unrequited love, insecurity and profound distrust of men.

Saturday the 11th: Michael deserves some sort of award in the "bringing our class together" department. We sat in proud circles, crying, laughing and talking about cookies in equal measure and it was the first time in two years I felt good about being at SUA.

How come every event turns into an SGI meeting.

Sunday the 12th: We went to the beach and watched the sun slowly move across the sky toward the dip below the canyon that would end our last day of "freedom." I like how the sun makes me dazed and childlike and how the ocean always holds out it's arms to me.

Monday the 13th: Who schedules an SBS course that is highly recommended at the same time as another SBS course? You can stop screwing me now. I've had enough.

The spirit Rally was blood pounding in ears, screams raising and falling, sweat, and love for my class which is really my family.

Tuesday the 14th: An hour and a half of Lit and I was moved.

Information swirling, everyone telling you their way is right, and how do you raise up your arms, scream "son of a bitch" and break free, when everyone's opinion feels like a constraint.

Wednesday the 15th: Tourists are sweet. They see the beauty in things we can't and the value in things we've forgotten.

No more eating before nap time. I always wind up dreaming about the strangest, mixed up things.

Blehh, blehh...If I wrote how I feel, It'd be a bunch of angry words outlining my inability to change, and grow as human being. I don't want to bore you with the usual.

My uncle seems to think I need a therapist. Get my head straight, get my head right. I tend to agree. I need a life makeover. I need to check my arrogance. Dead. Tracks. At the door. It's interesting how I think that everything and everyone is against me, but really I'm against everything. I don't know how to let myself trust and that's the end all be all to all my problems. I can't trust boys, I can't trust my dad, I can't trust the SGI, and the real problem is that I can't trust myself. So how do you let go? How do you stop comparing yourself to others? It's so much easier to feel sorry for yourself, to stroke your own ego, to put others down. When I look deep into my life, I don't see a pure green like life, like the trees, like grass, like the leaves of flowers. Instead, I see grey, like stone, like death, like the cracked sidewalk near my house. I need to start excepting responsibility for the changes I want to make. No one is going to change to make me feel better. I have to do that for myself. I have to paint my own life green like the leaves of flowers, blue like the oceans ebbing and flowing.

I'm a professional daydreamer. If I had to do it for a living I'd make a lot of money. In my head, I swim in perfect oceans. Hold hands with boys who normally ignore me. Dance salsa. Beat the crap out of those who piss me off. Smoke cigars in Cuba. Listen to the waves as the sun sets. Write books. Own a cabin in Main. Swim with dolphins. Spend thousands on a new wardrobe...But then a friend, or a loud noise, brings me back to reality and there is always a short period of mourning for that I don't have. Shame on me.

Expect your life to be magic.

Good times at medieval times.

It's true, everything can change in three weeks or a day even.

I remember when I was small, and I used to wake up in the morning refreshed, smiling, ready to uncover all the day had to offer me. I t was so real. It felt like everything was more colorful and more important.

I've been very confused for the last ten years. Everything has been a bit gray around the edges. I look forward to sleep instead of just appreciating it. I should look forward to waking, I should remember hope...I'm gonna start living like that.

Watch me shine.

I don't know who or what I'm hating right now. Probably myself. I feel sick with worry. I'm mourning the death of my relationships. Can I really revive them? Can I really work this out? It's about time I cried. The tears are there just on the outside of reality. Soon. I feel more lonely then I have in years. No one to connect with every night. I haven't talked seriously about my feelings for this year to anyone, and who is there, are you out there? It's not about "I" it's about what we can do together. But doesn't it seem easier to go into yourself and hide, hide, hide...

There are so many things in this world I don't understand. There will never be an end to my education. Life, I'm sure, will continue to supply lessons, whether I want them or not.

I don't know much about math, or what it means to live life to the fullest. I still have so much to learn about appreciation and doing things for others happiness. Most of the time I don't know when to keep my mouth shut, and the Spanish I once knew is slowly slipping into oblivion.

I can't understand the stage of life many of my friends have entered into, one where they know who they want to marry and have someone so important in there lives they never want to let go. I don't know about my own heart, I don't know how to love someone deeply, I don't know how to let go of my fears, and I don't know how to stop making the same mistakes over and over.

I do know, however, that if my life continues in the direction of depression, I will be lost. I do know that if I can't wade through the crap in my life to clear water, Things inside of me will shrivel and die and my soul will become malnourished. I do know I want to change and the more years it takes to change, the longer I wait to change, the harder and more impossible it's going to be.

Walk this journey with me and don't hold me back.

It's quiet. I miss my sister. I want to make my capstone excellent. He haunts me. My insecurity level has gone down to a 5. Many days, many hours to make my last year worth it. I'm not going to cower. I'm the most passionate about people who've been forgotten. I'll remember you.

So I'm awake and suffering. My dad and Alonzo were the ones who checked my bags in at the train station, but they had to take some stuff out of my big black bag (too heavy) and place it in my sisters bag. Now I have no toiletries, no deodorant for the second day in a row, no toothpaste, and no comb. I decided to wait for my family to come before I leave my room, so here I am all cooped up, smelling like horse poo. I hate the first week of school.

It was surreal driving up to campus last night, the buildings swaying before me like I never got off the train. Everything was moving in slow motion because I was so tired and I felt like I should get up and run back home. I don't know how I feel right now. It's a mix of excitement at seeing my friends, fear of losing my way, and anxiety that I won't accomplish all I need to accomplish before I graduate.

If you're reading out there and you feel the same way say, amen!

Today's my last day of work...Don't know if i'll ever go back , except to visit, and the thought hurts my heart.

Need to finish last minute shopping, going to have fun at my dad's BBQ, need to tame my nappy hair, and then I need to get on the train and return to SoCal.

I can't wait to laugh with you, to talk about life with you, to give you a hug and remind you how important you are to me.

I'm counting the days...

I know this year will be hard...

I'm ready.

I feel like all i'm doing is waiting.

i need to stop.

reflect.

I feel like i forgot.

i need to study.

remember.

I want to stop thinking about material things and start thinking more about the people who are important to me.

Costa Rica

She tells me as we sit in the sushi restaurant that she's terrified to go back to cali. 'Changing lives" she chants randomly. I repeat, "changing lives." But I don't really mean it, becuase i've never wanted to be in cali more then I do right now.

Flash to July:

Now I'm terrified to go back to cali. And it's just this feeling that has set up shop in the pit of my stomache. What will it be like to see the people who I love but who have had experiences without me that have changed them for life. Will we sit at the lunch table together in uncomfortable conversation trying to make it work.? Can I stay sane with his continual presence? Will I actually break through all my shit this year? What the hell will i do after soka?

My whole summer has been focused on saving money...check with me and if I don't have $1400 in August you can all use me for a while as your personal punching bag. No more washing my underwear in the sink.

Andy, I'm really proud of you...for letting go.

I even made a list of the pros and cons for going to or not going to SF, and the cons won. So I'll see you all in a few weeks and please enjoy your trip!

I'm really confused. I'm more confused right now than i've been in years. Soon I have to be this adult, and I keep thinking about all of the realities of that. I will have to somehow pay for grad school. i'll need a place to live. i'll need a job that pays more then 7.10 and hour. I'll need friends and love and acceptance in a city that's never really given me those things, and I'm staring to freak out.

I feel really nervous. I look around at the adults in my life and can't help but shudder. My dad is still struggling to make a living with no possible means of retiering. My mom is 56 and happy on the good days. My stepdad struggles daily to fight years of built up bad habbits. My co-worker Patty is in her 50's and hated her three week vacation because she had nothing to do, no friends to visit and her days were empty and boring. I'm so scared that my life won't go as planned. That, before I know it, I'll be 57, not have accomplished my goals, and have only a yellow tabby cat to comfort me...

My mom can tear my sister and i down in just one sentance. And she's careless with her power.

He didn't forget me! He didn't forget me!

I went and saw this crazy movie at the Bagdad theater today about quantum physics and it was amazing. The whole thing was filmed in portland and i was like, wow, that's hawthorne, that's the max, that's my skyline!

Lessons learned: We all have addictions to emotions, because emotions are really just chemical reactions, and eventually if we have a certian emotion enough times, even if it's hate, we can become addicted to the chemicals that are simultaneouly released when we feel it.

There are objects that can be seen by the human eye that are in two places at the same time.

We never really touch anything.

We have the power to rewire our brains.

Physics is all about how nothing is impossible.

My friend Christina and I talk about babies a lot, because we work with them every day and they are such a part of our reality, and we always talk about how when we have our own kids, this.... or when we get married, that... and i can't help but notice all of the people around me getting engaged. To be honest it makes me feel really, really behind. Like i'm in the slow readers group in first grade or something.

I'm twenty one going on fifty and I can feel it in my gut.

I'm twelve slipping back to ten and I have no control.

I finally got around to going to the Pura Vida yahoo group for all the people who went to Costa Rica, and it was so nice to see posts from everyone. I miss them a lot, but the yahoo group makes me feel like we are still connected. I think when we all graduate we need to make a soka yahoo group, a huge one!

How come the parents at the daycare always ask these really random questions to the air and expect us to answer them when there are five kids crying, one getting a diaper change, and the others eating at the table making a mess.

I already feel burnt out. But i got paid today.

My life feels kind of slow right now. Like everything is going at half time. I get up. Go to work. Pray for my lunch break to come quickly. Watch kids stick thier toes in there mouths. Hold crying children, feed them, change thier diapers, clean thier messes. Laugh a lot 'cause kids are funny. Go home. watch MTV. Laugh at my sister, 'cuase she's funny. Go to sleep. Do it again.

I think Andy's idea about San Fran is great. I'm going to start saving right now. If it happens and we can all get together, lets shake our butts and get really groovy.

I miss speaking spanish. There are quite a few parents at the daycare who speak spanish to thier children and it's so tempting to join in but something stops me and I think it's fear or the feeling that spanish is not a part of my Portland life and forbidden in some way.

The time is ticking by and I'm alive but not really living.

How come life isn't like the love boat. I feel jipped.

I feel like I love you and your killing me.

I started work last week, and it's nice to be back. I missed the kids. I missed checks every other Friday.

My dad made me waffles today and they tasted like childhood. Im getting so old.

When I walk into the malls or the stores I can't concentrate. It's weird. Everything in the US is too bright and all of the stores have so much, I can barley keep my eyes on one thing.

Im here but im not in rythem.

We should have a reunion in Japan. Ok, so everyone save up.

No more MTV!

I feel a bit confused. How come they put me here with all of these great people only to rip me away. Ahhh. And its going to be the same with SOKA. if I can barley leave Costa Rica and not be devastated you all really don't want to see me when we leave SUA. I will be on the floor having a fit, I can assure you that right now. I saw a picture of Cassie, Rumiko, Pilipino and Nathan today on shutter bug and I was literally screaming in the internet cafe. Im sure I looked crazy but hey, I haven't seen these people in ages.

I cried on Friday, I cried on Saturday, I cried on Sunday...what am I going to do without my Costa Rican family.

7 days and counting.